Jun 10, 2022
A town with a strange secret,
ripe for the picking by three
petty criminals. Sounds a bit
too easy, doesn't it?
Written and produced by Julie Hoverson
Cast List
Claude - Shawn Connor
Lenny - Cole Hornaday
Charlie - Risa
Torres
Host - Bob Noble
Bank Teller - Beverly Poole
Little Girl - Krystal Baker
Waitress - Angela Kirby
Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson
Cover Design: Brett Coulstock
"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?"
********************************************
AN HOUR TO KILL
Cast:
[Opening credits - Olivia]
Claude, a thug
Lenny, a dumber thug
Charlie, Claude's greedy wife
Host
Bank Teller
Little Girl
Waitress
OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell?
MUSIC
SOUND DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING
LENNY [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal! It was Artie told me, and--
CLAUDE [resigned] And Artie's never wrong. Yeah, I know. [up] Whatchoo think, Charlie?
CHARLIE Zip it. I'm listening.
CLAUDE To what?
CHARLIE Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on. If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring.
LENNY [quiet] It's just over the hill, Claude. Hop skip and a jump.
CLAUDE [quiet] Good thing, too, Lenny. That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping.
LENNY [quiet] And jumping.
CLAUDE [chuckles halfhaertedly] So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking?
LENNY Yeah, he said it was real weird, but--
CHARLIE [upset] No! What is wrong with this world?
CLAUDE [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it?
CHARLIE Them on the other side, they turned it off!! And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else.
LENNY What a bum!
CLAUDE [undertone] Don't encourage her. [up] Can we talk normal now?
CHARLIE Makes no nevermind now.
CLAUDE Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week.
LENNY And Artie's never wrong!
CHARLIE [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint?
CLAUDE [snorts]
LENNY That ain't the point. He found the perfect score.
CHARLIE And he told you about it?
CLAUDE Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo. Artie never did like you much.
LENNY But he still likes Cherlie there just fine. I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves.
CHARLIE [cutesy] Really? That big a score, then? Artie might have something going for him after all. Maybe I shoulda married him.
CLAUDE You said you didn't like monkeys.
CHARLIE I was joking. Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband. Ugly guys don't run off so often.
LENNY Nobody wants 'em.
CHARLIE You would know.
CLAUDE [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job?
LENNY It's this town, see? He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep.
CLAUDE [snort] You're loopy. Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead.
LENNY No, he was serious - I could see it in his face.
CLAUDE The whole town?
LENNY Yeah!
CLAUDE And how does Artie know this?
LENNY He says he was there. Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again.
CLAUDE Why ain't he in there robbing the place?
LENNY Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years]
CLAUDE It makes no damn sense! Why would everybody fall asleep?
CHARLIE Maybe it's something in the water. Or get this-- [ramping up] Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!!
CLAUDE You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot. [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny.
LENNY Gotcha.
CHARLIE What can it hurt? If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see? We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage. If not... what’s it gonna hurt?
CLAUDE What day's it supposed to be, Len?
LENNY Tomorrow. Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come!
CHARLIE And why pray tell not, ya big goon?
LENNY Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go. I think he wants you to come and visit him instead.
CLAUDE That's crazy talk. But you shouldn't come, babe. You'll just get in the way.
CHARLIE [incensed] I'll just WHAT?
CLAUDE I mean-- there might be guns. I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing.
CHARLIE They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep! Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour! [fades out] And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move!
LENNY [over her diatribe] But I promised Artie--
CLAUDE [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it. Trust me. Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more.
CHARLIE You hear me?
LENNY [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her.
MUSIC
AMB IN CAR
CLAUDE Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job?
LENNY It ain't - Artie is--
CHARLIE Stifle! If they don't sack out, you mean? In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way. Zat so hard to buy?
CLAUDE We gotta do something. This flivver's on its last legs.
CHARLIE There's always something.
LENNY You believe in magic, Charlie?
CHARLIE Like Houdini stuff? Hah! Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans.
LENNY But this--
CHARLIE [loud] BUT! Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny. It ain't polite! [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff. Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs. Ya know?
CLAUDE [amused hmph] Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie.
CHARLIE [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs.
MUSIC
AMB OUTSIDE, RURAL
SOUND ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL
CLAUDE [relieved and tired] Finally. [sighs]
SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE
CHARLIE [already arguing] I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here! I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy?
CLAUDE [quiet] Oh, lord. [up, weary] What's the noise, sweetcheeks?
CHARLIE This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon.
CLAUDE Yer full up? Out here in the middle of squat all?
HOST [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me. I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette. We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first.
CLAUDE Warning us? Where's Lenny?
LENNY [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else.
CLAUDE Some help you are. You was saying, pops?
HOST [cheerful horror] It's the day we run the hogs.
CHARLIE That's disgusting!
CLAUDE Hold on, dearest. Let's hear the man out. Hogs, you say?
HOST Ayup. Local tradition. Them hogs gets loose all over the town. [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc. Tranple anything that moves, pretty much.
CLAUDE It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit?
HOST Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch. Don't want to call no attention to yerselves. [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways.
CLAUDE [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow. Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we.
HOST [a little too smug] One room or two?
CHARLIE Just get one. Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care.
HOST [chuckles]
CLAUDE Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for.
MUSIC
SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN
CHARLIE Artie better damn well be right.
CLAUDE [hushed] Charlie! Keep it quiet.
LENNY [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town?
CLAUDE We get a new car--
LENNY How?
CLAUDE How'd we get the last one, pea-brain?
LENNY Oh, right. There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this.
CHARLIE The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks". Flapjacks, my eye. They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck.
CLAUDE Just enough time to case the place.
LENNY Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude?
CLAUDE Hmm. Nix on that. Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled.
CHARLIE Whaddaya mean? So what if someone suspects something?
CLAUDE You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither. They make our first digs look like the ritz.
CHARLIE [disgusted] Oh!
MUSIC
AMB OUTSIDE. RURAL
[note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth]
LENNY There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some--
CHARLIE Flapjacks? Puh-lease. We got more important things--
LENNY But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering.
CLAUDE [under his breath] Flapjabbering. [up] Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground. Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else.
CHARLIE Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later?
CLAUDE Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place.
CHARLIE In forty-five minutes. No more, you big moose!
LENNY No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks. Not for what I got on me.
SOUND WALKS AWAY
CLAUDE And you?
CHARLIE I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank.
CLAUDE Who'm I to argue?
MUSIC
SOUND DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS
LENNY Hello?
SOUND FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS
WAITRESS Goodness! I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today!
LENNY Guess not. [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food?
WAITRESS Mercy, no! We been cooking all day! They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two. What you want?
LENNY Flapjacks?
WAITRESS [chuckles] You came to the right place. My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years. Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack.
SOUND DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES
WAITRESS [off some] You want some Java with that?
LENNY That'd be real nice.
SOUND DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS
WAITRESS Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split.
LENNY Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today?
WAITRESS Oh, yes. It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right?
LENNY Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel.
WAITRESS [a bit upset] Oh. "We?" Nevermind. You should stay inside, then. It ain't safe being out.
LENNY Oh, yeah, he said--
WAITRESS I mean, they're just frogs, right? But they are some vicious slimy little devils.
LENNY [baffled] Frogs?
WAITRESS Course. Every year they just fall from the sky. No one knows why. Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks. Be right back.
MUSIC
AMB OUTISDE
CLAUDE [undertone] Take a peep at the cadillac.
CHARLIE That brown heap?
CLAUDE Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored.
CHARLIE Who you calling a gob, you mug?
LITTLE GIRL [off] Hey lady? Would you like a kitten?
CLAUDE [[startled] Huh? Oh, Hello little girl. [really false hearty] No, thanks. No kittens for us. You have a real nice day, there.
CHARLIE [whispered] Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around? Apart from you, anyway, darling?
CLAUDE Watch yer language, there's a kid present.
CHARLIE She's probably heard it all.
CLAUDE People got manners out in the country. Here's the bank. Stick to the script, babe.
CHARLIE Have I ever done you wrong?
SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO
CLAUDE This is nice.
CHARLIE [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all!
CLAUDE We'll see, dearest.
TELLER Can I help you?
CHARLIE I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff.
CLAUDE [annoyed sigh] You do that. [hearty again] Hello. Sorry about that.
TELLER No problem, sir. What can I help you with?
CLAUDE We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here.
TELLER Do you have an account with our bank, sir?
CLAUDE No, I'm afraid I don't. We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami.
TELLER That's pretty far away.
CLAUDE Yeah.
TELLER That's going to have to go through my manager. He won't be back until this afternoon.
CLAUDE Really? Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here.
TELLER [strange] Are you over at the motel?
CLAUDE You bet.
TELLER Ohhh.
CLAUDE What?
TELLER Nothing. He'll be back in about four hours.
CLAUDE Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today?
TELLER [nervous] What do you-- whatever do you mean?
CLAUDE The clerk was telling us--
TELLER [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe!
CHARLIE [coming on] Safe? From--
TELLER THEM!
CLAUDE Them? The runners?
TELLER The ghosts.
CLAUDE AND CHARLIE WHAT?
TELLER I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death. I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today!
CHARLIE In the vault, eh?
TELLER Yes!
CLAUDE Wait a dang minute. Ghosts?
TELLER Yes. A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war. They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path!
CLAUDE Have you... seen the ghosts?
TELLER Of course not! I stay shut up tight!
CLAUDE Right. [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again] Well, maybe we'll see you later then. When your manager's back.
TELLER Okey-doke. You stay safe now!
MUSIC
SOUND EATING
SOUND [OFF] FEET APPROACH
CLAUDE [outside] wait til we--
CHARLIE What's that smell?
SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN
CHARLIE You!
LENNY I brought you some!
CHARLIE I'm watching my figure, you mope!
CLAUDE More for me. Pass that.
LENNY Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too. She did it up right fine.
CHARLIE Don't eat so much you slow down! We'll leave you behind.
LENNY [talking around a mouthful] Oh, come on, they're real good.
CLAUDE [licking his fingers] They are. Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here--
LENNY You don't need to tell me, Claude! I heard all about--
CHARLIE The ghosts?
LENNY The what?
CLAUDE According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts.
LENNY That don't make no sense! There ain't no such things as ghosts.
CHARLIE But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour.
LENNY Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs.
CLAUDE Like frog frogs, or french folks?
LENNY Like ribbit, ribbit. They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible.
CHARLIE Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs.
CLAUDE Why would everyone have a different story?
CHARLIE Are you just a moron or what? They're all covering up! Anything to scare us who ain't part of it into keeping shut up for the time they all fall asleep, excepting that they forgot to get their damn story straight. I'd almost'a bought the one about the pigs, but FROGS?
LENNY And ghosts.
CHARLIE Oh, don't even.
CLAUDE It still feels hinky. Like we should--
SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR
CLAUDE Stifle. [up] Yes?
LITTLE GIRL [off] I have to tell you something!
LENNY That's some sneaky girl scout.
CLAUDE Shh! Just keep quiet!
SOUND DOOR OPENS
SOUND MEWING OF KITTENS
CLAUDE Yeah?
LITTLE GIRL I have to tell you this. You have to listen!
CLAUDE I'm listening, little girl. Watch out for your kittens, there.
LITTLE GIRL You don't get one.
CLAUDE Just tell me what you wanted to--?
LITTLE GIRL [solemn] In 15 minutes, the monsters come out. If you leave your rooms, they will eat you.
CLAUDE [almost laughs, stops himsefl] Monsters?
LITTLE GIRL Yes.
CLAUDE What kind of monsters?
LITTLE GIRL [exasperatied] The kind that eat people. I have to go home now.
CLAUDE Before the monsters get you?
LITTLE GIRL Oh, they won't get me. They'll be too busy chasing you.
SOUND SHE WALKS AWAY
CHARLIE Little street rat! Get her back here, I'll show her what for!
CLAUDE No! Let the kid go.
LENNY Claude? You think maybe she's right?
CLAUDE It's not like she'd make something up like that.
CHARLIE Someone told her to tell us.
CLAUDE The same someone who couldn't get their stories straight? That don't make no sense. There's something behind all this.
CHARLIE So what now, you want to give this all up and sit on your face like an ostrich or something?
CLAUDE I never said nothing like that. We should-- we just gotta keep our eyes open is all.
MUSIC
SOUND CLOCK CHIMES
CLAUDE Ready?
LENNY [a little shaky] Yeah.
CHARLIE Hmph. Yes.
CLAUDE Keep cool. If this is all some kind of joke, we need to be ready to act like there ain't nothing going on.
CHARLIE Keep your gun handy, Lenny, in case of frogs.
SOUND WALKS AWAY
LENNY [muttered] Same to you. I would say in case of pigs, but I know how you feel about family.
CLAUDE [almost laughs]
CHARLIE [sharp] What?
LENNY [trying to keep a straight face] Nuttin.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, PAPER CRACKLES
CLAUDE What's this?
CHARLIE Aah - Must be the bill. Give it. We can look it over later.
SOUND PAPER SHOVED INTO PURSE
MUSIC
AMB OUTSIDE, BUT MUTED.
LENNY Weird, ain't it? Everything so quiet.
CHARLIE So everyone's gone to sleep. Or they're messing with us.
CLAUDE [shocked] No! Look at this!
LENNY Oh, gee! Think we should move her?
CHARLIE What are you--? Holy knots! The kid!
LENNY And all the kittens! Are they ok?
CLAUDE [grunt as he kneels] Well, I ain't gonna hold a mirror up to all them tiny little noses, but they look like they're just sleeping.
LENNY They're so cute - you shoulda took one.
CHARLIE Are you done yet?
LENNY Shouldn't we move her, though? What if the pigs hurt her?
CHARLIE Leave the stupid kid! She's the one decided to take a nap in the middle of the street. We got a bank waiting!
LENNY I'll-- I'll catch up to ya. I wanna lug the little tyke up onta the porch.
CHARLIE Aargh!!! [exasperated noise] Fine! Pick uppa car while you're at it, potater head!
MUSIC
SOUND BIG DOOR CREAKS QUIETLY OPEN
SOUND OUTDOOR NOISES, OFF SLIGHTLY; VOICES HAVE MODERATE ECHO
CLAUDE [whispering] The lights are all on.
CHARLIE Why are you whispering?
CLAUDE I still got that weird feeling about this - like it's all gonna turn out to be a big joke or something. There's a hook somewehres. There gotta be.
CHARLIE We'll ditch it when we see it. For now, let's go to work on that vault.
SOUND [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE
CLAUDE What was that?
CHARLIE [snide] Not a pig, for crying out loud. If you're so damn worried, shall we promenayde to the vault?
CLAUDE It was really - strange. I ain't never heard no animal like it before.
CHARLIE That just rules out the zoo and Mel Blanc. They're the only animals you ever heard in your whole stupid life.
SOUND [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE
CLAUDE I just wanna take a look, see if Lenny's coming.
CHARLIE Fergit him! I'm your wife - you should be here, lookin after me!
CLAUDE [sharp] Did you see that?
CHARLIE I see a grown man scared of some owl or something.
CLAUDE [on edge] No, there was this dark shape, went behind that buildign over there. Watch!
CHARLIE [putting her foot down] No! I want to go inside! [hissed] And I plan to lock the door, whatever side you happen to be on.
SOUND DOOR SLAMS
AMB OUTSIDE
SOUND RUSTLING
CLAUDE [calling quietly] Lenny? Zat you?
SOUND WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE
CLAUDE [gasp] Dammit Lenny!
SOUND RUSTLING NOISE, OFF RIGHT
SOUND GUN READIED
CLAUDE [moving right] Come out, whatever you are.
MOMENT OF SUSPENSE, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS
CLAUDE [gasp]
LENNY [gasp] What's wit the heater, Claude? I ain't done nuttin!
SOUND PUTTING GUN BACK
CLAUDE Nah, Lenny, it's-- did you hear something weird out there?
LENNY Birds. Something. I guess.
CLAUDE Charlie's inside. Come on.
LENNY Why do you put up with her?
CLAUDE What? We're married.
LENNY If she was my wife, I'd'a smacked her to kingdom come years ago - I wouldn'a been able to help myself.
CLAUDE I love her. [shrugs] And I hate her sometimes too. What can you do?
SOUND BIG DOOR STARST TO OPEN
SOUND [CLOSE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE
SOUND BOTH MEN TURN, DRAW GUNS
SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT AGAIN
LENNY That's the noise you was talking about?
CLAUDE Yeah. Shh. [whispered] Can you tell where it is?
LENNY Nuh-uh.
MOMENT OF JUST CAUTIOUS BREATHING, THEN
SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN BEHIND THEM
LENNY and CLAUDE [gasp]
CHARLIE Get your keisters in here, you nitwits! Time's a-wasting!
MUSIC
AMB INSIDE BANK, ECHOEY
SOUND COMBINATION LOCK BEING TURNED
CHARLIE [whispered] Hurry!
LENNY [whispered] That ain't gonna help!
CLAUDE Zip it! I'm almost there!
SOUND A COUPLE OF CLICKS, HANDLE
CLAUDE [angry noise] Agh. Nope. Damn. Charlie, give me something to write on.
CHARLIE What do I look like, your secretary?
CLAUDE Just find me something, or I'm gonna forget the numbers I already got!
SOUND FEET GO OFF
SOUND ROOTING AROUND IN A PURSE
CHARLIE Here's some paper.
LENNY [coming back] I got a pencil from the desk. It's getting kind of dark outside.
CHARLIE Great - a storm.
CLAUDE Good thing you got that kid under cover. She don't need to catch penumonia.
CHARLIE Oh, listen to Mary Curry over here.
CLAUDE [sighs]
SOUND WRITING
SOUND DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE
CHARLIE What the hell?
CLAUDE That's what I've been trying to tell you about. Cept now it sounds like it's inside here with us.
CHARLIE Get that vault open, before they find us.
LENNY They? Don't you mean it?
CHARLIE It's got to be some sort of Okie joke. These hicks are messing with us.
SOUND CLOSER ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE
CHARLIE [shrieking] Get it open!
CLAUDE My hands won't stop shaking, Charlie. I can't concentrate--
CHARLIE I can NOT believe I am hearing this!
CLAUDE [voice rising to a yell] --and you ain't helping! SHUT UP!
CHARLIE huh! [affronted] Hmph.
CLAUDE [long deep breath, trying to calm down]
SOUND CLICKING of DIAL BEGINS
SOUND DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE
SOUND CLICKS TURN WILDLY
CLAUDE Yah!
LENNY [nervous, but trying to be helpful] I-I could go and look?
CLAUDE No, I think--
CHARLIE Yeah, you do that, knucklehead. Go and kick some heads on these nutballs.
CLAUDE [definitive] No.
SOUND DIAL TWIRLS QUICKLY
CLAUDE We're getting out of here.
CHARLIE [angry] Don't you chicken out on me now, Claude! [wheedling] Come, on baby! We're this close to the big score. I can taste it! The only thing in our way is this door.
SOUND ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE COMES AROUND CORNER, SKITTERING
LENNY And th-th-th-that! [a shriek] Them!
SOUND RUNNING FEET
MUSIC
ALL PANTING BREATHING IN A CLOSE SPACE
LENNY What the hell? What were they?
CLAUDE I dunno! All I saw was teeth and fur.
CHARLIE They're like shrews or something.
CLAUDE Nah, they was more teeth than anything else. Even shrews ain't like that. These ain't nothing natural.
CHARLIE Well they ain't ghosts, frogs, or pigs.
LENNY That just leaves monsters.
CHARLIE [after a beat] What?
LENNY The little girl, she said it was monsters.
SOUND SCRABBLIONG AT THE DOOR BEGINS, GETS LOUDER THROGUHOUT
LENNY Oh, holy crap!
CHARLIE Sounds like they're eating their way through!
CLAUDE And there ain't excatly a dozen ways out of this closet here.
CHARLIE There gotta be something! I ain't going out like this. Boost me up!
CLAUDE Boost?
CHARLIE I think I see something up there. Just like in gramma's attic.
CLAUDE [grunt of boosting] Lenny, give me a hand here, wouldja?
LENNY Yeah, here - uh! Careful! [he has a kitten in his coat]
BOTH [grunt as they push her up]
CHARLIE Yeah! I thought so!
SOUND GRIND OF WOOD SHIFTING
CHARLIE This probably goes to a roof access. [ugh! As she climbs up]
CLAUDE Don't kick! Damn!
LENNY Watch out! Uhhh!
SOUND HER SCRAMBLING STOPS
CHARLIE [calling down] Big help you two are. I see cracks of light - bet there's a vent and I can get out onto the roof.
CLAUDE And then what?
CHARLIE Well, they don't look much like climbers, do they? We can wait it out up there!
CLAUDE How the hell are we supposed to get up there?
LENNY Whatever we do, we better do it quick! Sounds like they're getting through!
CLAUDE Here, I'll boost you.
LENNY Nah, Claude - If you get killed, then I'm alone with her, and I can't take that.
CLAUDE You dumbo!
LENNY Besides, you can pull me up better. Okay?
CLAUDE Let's do this.
SOUND GRUNST, RUSTLES, THUMPS
CLAUDE [long grunt, pulling himself up]
SOUND MOVES UP TO THEM ABOVE
SOUND DISTANT WOOD CRACKING
LENNy [distant] Claude? Come on! My turn! [continues under]
CHARLIE oh, Claude! [kisses him]
CLAUDE MMm! [surprised, but enjoying the kiss]
SOUND WOOD QUIETLY SHIFTED, LENNY CUTS OUT
CLAUDE What was that for?
CHARLIE Just happy.
LENNY [off, screams!!!]
CLAUDE shit! You closed the hatch!
CHARLIE It's too late for him!
LENNY [Scream cuts out]
CLAUDE How could you do that?
CHARLIE If I didn't you woulda died wit him! I'm protecting you, ya bastard.
CLAUDE Where's this damn vent?
CHARLIE Say you love me.
CLAUDE There it is.
CHARLIE What the hell's gotten into you?
CLAUDE You're my wife, and I'll get you out--
CHARLIE Out of what?
CLAUDE Out of here. Out of this town. But don't expect to ever see me again after that.
CHARLIE [freaked] Cluade? How can you even--
SOUND KICKING OUT THE VENT
MUSIC
AMB OUTISDE
CLAUDE [cold] Give me your hand.
CHARLIE [meek] all right, Claude.
SOUND SCRABBLING
CLAUDE and Charlie [grunt as he pulls her up onto the roof]
CLAUDE [breathing hard with exertion] [runs his hand over his face]
CHARLIE You still got the combination? Just in case?
CLAUDE I don't even care no more.
CHARLIE Can I see it?
CLAUDE No. Where's that pencil? Ah.
SOUND PAPER RUSTLES
CHARLIE What're you doing?
CLAUDE Writing my will.
CHARLIE Will? What you got to leave?
CLAUDE I dunno, but there must be something I can-- whoa.
CHARLIE What?
CLAUDE Where'd you get this paper?
CHARLIE That? Oh I think that was the note on our door.
CLAUDE Damn.
CHARLIE What?
CLAUDE This woulda been good to know. "So sorry to put you in harm's way, but the boggins is hungry, and if it ain't an outsider, then it's someone in town, and we can't have that. But we did warn you, as tradtion demands, and you had every chance to leave. Thank you for staying!"
CHARLIE So it must be over, right?
CLAUDE Are you flapping your lips for a reason?
CHARLIE [whine] Claude! The note makes it sound like it's just one they need. One outsider. So Lenny--
CLAUDE [cold, hard] You need to shut your trap. Now.
CHARLIE [sweetie again] You gonna forgive me, arentcha?
CLAUDE [not quite sure] No.
CHARLIE Oh, come on, Claudie. We're better off, ain't we? Just you and me, like the old days?
LENNY You want old days, I was his friend first.
CHARLIE [gasps]
SOUND SHE LOSES HER BALANCE A BIT, FEET SLOWLY APPROACH
CLAUDE Len! [pleased] I'll be damned! What... happened? It sounded like--
LENNY [freaked out] They were...everywhere. I dunno why they didn't just take me down. They took some chunks out of me, man, but they... stopped.
SOUND MONSTER NOISES START SNEAKING IN, UNDER
CHARLIE [insincere] What a relief!
LENNY Don't you start! I heard everything.
CLAUDE Can you forgive me, Lenny?
LENNY Yeah, probably. Jeez I hope Peahces is OK.
SOUND UNZIP WIDNBREAKER
CLAUDE What?
LENNY You think we're safe up here?
CHARLIE [spiteful again] Apparently, you're safe anywhere. Must taste bad.
LENNY Oh, look, he's still asleep.
CLAUDE [laughing a little] A kitten? You took you a kitten?
CHARLIE You did what? You are SUCH a shit-for-brains.
LENNY Leave off, Charlie, or I swear I will--
SOUND NOW BECOMING OBVIOUS, THE MONSTERS ARE DOWN BELOW
CLAUDE Shh! It's those things!
CHARLIE The shrews?
CLAUDE Whatever they are.
CHARLIE Can you see them?
CLAUDE The roof slopes wrong, I can't get close enough to get a look down.
CHARLIE Well, crawl out there! Surely you don't expect me to do it!
LENNY I can't leave Peaches.
CHARLIE Peaches?
SOUND SNATCH, THUMP AS SHE THROWS THE KITTEN AT A WALL
CHARLIE [uh! As she throws] There's your damn Peaches.
LENNY Peaches!!
SOUND SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF
LENNY You killed him! He was justa baby kitten! He never din't do nothing to you!
CHARLIE Stop bawling and start helping!
LENNY I'll help. Yeah, I know what I can do to help.
SOUND MOVING CLOSER
LENNY [unh! Shoving]
CHARLIE Lenny? What are you doing? Ahh!!! Claude!
LENNY Stay back, Claude.
CLAUDE I'm just a bit too damn tired to stop you.
CHARLIE Claude?!? Ahhhhhhhhh [scream as she goes off the roof]
SOUND ROAR OF MONSTERs, grinding chewing
CHARLIE [Horrible screaming.]
LENNY [calm again] Sorry you had to see that.
SOUND MONSTER NOISES DISSIPATE
CLAUDE Sorry about your Peaches, Lenny. We'll get you another kitten.
LENNY Okay. [pause] Claude? Let's not get you another wife, though, okay?
SOUND CLOCK CHIMES 1 O'CLOCK
CLOSER
OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...
__________________
LENNY Funny thing, though - Why'd Artie tell me about this?
CLAUDE I have a feeling he... well... meant for us to come to a bad end.
LENNY But he carries a torch for Charlie!
CLAUDE Yup. And he said she shouldn't come.
LENNY Oh! [musing] Artie's never...wrong.
_________________
CLAUDE If anybody who's asleep is safe, I think maybe Peaches saved your life. By sleeping.
LENNY [wailing] Peaches!!!
CLAUDE Lenny, just hold on to the good times.
THE END