Aug 4, 2022
A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with
people from their pasts. disagreeable reunions bring up
disagreeable memories,
and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger.
Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson
Cast List
Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson
Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson
~~~~~~
Grisham - Bill Hollweg (BrokenSea Audio)
Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes
Commander Bannington - Glen Hallstrom
Scotty - Mike Campbell
Other Voices:
Episode 1
Bartender - Rick Lewis
Episode 2
Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish
Outfield (Dunesteef audio
magazine)
Episode 3
Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane)
Glen Hallstrom
Episode 4
Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine)
Piedmont - Russell Gold
Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero)
Episode 5
Nanny - Jennifer Dixon
Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine)
Episode 6
Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine)
Mark & Connor Olson
Russell Gold
Cover Design: Brett Coulstock
Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom
Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain
recording found on archive.org
Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson
No gunshots herald his approach.
No trademark left behind him when he leaves.
The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by -
as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.
Some say he rides alone.
That's the Deadeye Kid.
******************************************************************
Auld Lang Syne [DeK4]
EPISODE 1
MUSIC
1_ARRIVAL
SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC
LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time. I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind.
FANSHAW Will it be safe?
LEM Safe?
FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns. For ... notoriety's sake.
LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party? 'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.
FANSHAW Is it worth the risk?
LEM [shrug noise] Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed.
FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased.
LEM [laughs] I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more. Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then--
FANSHAW [rolling eyes] Yes, yes.
LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee. And low on shells.
FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens. How DO you manage?
2_STROLLING
AMB IN TOWN
SOUND WALKING ON WOOD
LEM Lotta trade hereabouts. Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need.
FANSHAW Lem!
LEM [voice low] We'll go on over yonder. [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.
FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.
LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle.
SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT
FANSHAW I say. Isn't it a bit early for a drink?
LEM [shrug] Three weeks. Don't seem early to me.
FANSHAW I'll--
LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?
FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god.
LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? I'd know that voice anywhere!
LEM Friend o'yourn?
FANSHAW [stiff, covering] Old acquaintance. Go on ahead!
LEM
3_SALOON
SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON
AMB SALOON
LEM One here.
SOUND DRINK POURED
BARTENDER There you go.
SOUND COINS
SOUND LEM DRINKS
GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts.
LEM [SPIT-TAKE]
SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN
BARTENDER Something wrong, fella?
LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat] Hit like a snakebite.
GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather.
BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation. You need it yonked? Barber can‑‑
LEM [finally getting clear] No, no. I kin handle it.
SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN
LEM And sorry about the--
BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind.
SOUND MORE COINS
LEM Give me the bottle.
GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me!
BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear?
LEM
4_LISETTE
AMB OUTSIDE
LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you! Mustache and all. Aren't you a little brigadier?
FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael.
LISETTE Oh, how formal. Just like at school. What have you been up to Clary, dear?
FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please.
LISETTE And we used to be such chums. However did you end up here?
FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael.
LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that! You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you?
FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you?
LISETTE [not amused any more] At least that would be closer to the truth.
FANSHAW Jolly good. Happy you're dead. Must get along.
LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!
FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]
LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.
FANSHAW How unfortunate. Must rush.
LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow.
FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell. [up] I speak to a lot of people.
LISETTE I'm sure. But he replied. Might I speak with him as well?
FANSHAW I--
LISETTE Oh, just watch your face! You're trying desperately to come up with a lie! You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary--
FANSHAW Stop calling me that.
LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap. I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.
FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good.
5_SALOON2
AMB SALOON
SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS
GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm.
SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE
LEM [low] Sit.
GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you? You done went and killed me!
LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you. You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here.
GRISHAM I ... drifted.
LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled. Ain't no one drifts.
GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other.
LEM [sigh]
SOUND DRINK POURS
6_PIGS
SOUND PIGS
LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse?
FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman.
LEM An old flame?
FANSHAW Nonsense! We knew each other as ... children. She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.
LEM Spect not. Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business.
FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes...
LEM So? You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason.
FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael. She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things. About other people. She likes to --
LEM Hold a grudge? Like a noose over yer head?
FANSHAW Aptly put.
LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you? Leastways not no more.
FANSHAW You might be surprised.
LEM Who's she a-gonna tell? [realizes] Oh.
FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you. Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication.
LEM [after a moment] Did it involve a sheep?
FANSHAW What?
LEM Whatever it was you done.
FANSHAW It isn't - it's not like that at all.
LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out.
FANSHAW What?
LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag.
FANSHAW You would leave? Over this?
LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.
SOUND WALKING IN MUD
LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me.
7_BARN
AMB BARN
SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC.
LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear. Come and find me when you feel the pull.
FANSHAW Righty-ho.
SOUND LEAVES
GRISHAM Running away, eh? Allus knew you'ure yella.
LEM [sigh] You're lucky ain't no one about but us. Otherwise, I wouldn’t dignify none of that with an answer.
GRISHAM You kilt me!
LEM We had it out, fair and square. I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up] I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me. Not on purpose.
SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP
GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it?
LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards. Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you.
GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk.
LEM I din't do THAT to you neither. You called me out, without no good reason agin me.
GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself.
SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE
LEM By shooting the Kid? You ain't the first.
GRISHAM But you still kilt me.
LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more. Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me. Hee-yaw!
SOUND RIDES OFF
8_DISTRACTION
FANSHAW Lisette?
LISETTE There you are! Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away.
FANSHAW So sorry. Didn't have much choice. My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs.
LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it? Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?
FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.
LISETTE So bothered over trifles! How much people change!
FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you! Do you recall poor Selfridge?
LISETTE Carmela? Served her right.
FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge!
LISETTE She also let herself be compromised! I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding--
FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right? A champion of truth?
LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature?
FANSHAW History is replete with--
LISETTE Oh, spare me. Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare.
FANSHAW Very well. I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed. Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles.
LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell?
FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.
LISETTE [outraged] I--? You--!
FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish. There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved. Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same.
LISETTE No doubt. I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I?
FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh] No, but I think I shall.
SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE
CLOSING
Auld Lang Syne [DeK4]
EPISODE 2
1_MOSEYING
AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime
SOUND HORSES WALKING
LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out.
FANSHAW How odd. Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel?
LEM Present comp'ny only.
FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that. Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement?
LEM How? And who with? Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles.
FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different.
LEM Like your lady friend back there?
FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed. Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.
LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way.
FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune. When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse.
LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella.
FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.
MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK
NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be
2_THE OLD KID
AMB SALOON
LEM Gimme two.
SOUND CARDS
LEM [pleased noise] I'll see you and raise--
SOUND CROWD HUSHES
GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town?
LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten.
DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid?
GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel?
LEM Your call.
PLAYER1 [shaky] Um... I fold.
LEM [chuckles]
PATRON1 How can he--?
Patron2 Shh!
SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY
GRISHAM [heavy menace] You the deadeye kid?
LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards. Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper.
GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit.
SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE
LEM [long dramatic sigh] Now that sounds a mite like a threat.
PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah. I'm done. Fergot my wife wants me home.
GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting?
LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit?
DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that.
GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog!
SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER
LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles. Cain't just leave all this layin around.
SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED
GRISHAM Now!
LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back?
DEALER .. certainly.
GRISHAM I'll do it! I will!
SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS
LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks? And leave the dealer to clean up the mess? [tsks] Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside.
3_EASIER
MUSIC BACK TO NOW
SOUND HORSES WALKING
FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier.
LEM Whazzat?
FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back.
LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over. Ain't no pride in the easy way.
FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly.
LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you.
MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK
4_WARMUP
GRISHAM Are you stepping?
LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes? Milk? [insulting that he can't hold his liquor]
GRISHAM [furious noise] I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it.
LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.
SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN
LEM Barkeep? Have me a shot of top mark waitin.
SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY
GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you!
LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will.
5_RATTLING
FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium?
LEM What's that when it's at home?
FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes.
LEM Yup. There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown. Not that this was one o' them.
FANSHAW Why not? He called you out.
LEM He was halfway round on rotgut. Not a nugget's chance agin me. Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him.
FANSHAW But you stepped out with him? Even knowing he had no chance?
LEM A'course. He wouldn't take no. Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone. I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down.
FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die?
LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you. And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so. You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you. That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way.
6_SHOWDOWN
MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK
SOUND OUTSIDE NOW
GRISHAM You ready?
LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow? I kill someone yer riled over?
GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid!
LEM [duh] Yep. [beat] That's your sole entire reason? You wanna walk in my boots?
GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name.
SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE
SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM
LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout. [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford. [man who backshot his friend Jesse James]
GRISHAM Come on! Kick it up, Deadeye! Less'n yer yellow!
SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind]
LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh. I'm ripe and ready to drop.
SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT.
SOUND G - BODY DROP
SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER. A MOMENT. FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON
7_ENJOY
MUSIC BACK TO NOW
FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow.
LEM Have to ice over that pond. Hard and cold. Hard and cold.
FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving. I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless.
LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men.
FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner! Look at we Brits.
LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive]
FANSHAW Do you enjoy it?
LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy?
FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle.
LEM [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin.
LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.
FANSHAW The thrill of danger?
LEM That, but even more so. If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs. This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it. Kill or be killed. [beat, then not quite truthful] Enjoy?
FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so.
LEM I reckon.
8_WINNER
MUSIC FLASH BACK
AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED
SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE
WOMAN [gasps]
SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS
SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN
LEM [voiceover] there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best. Used be I din't see the fear beneath it.
SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN
BARTENDER Your shot, Mister.
LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes!
SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit.
9_HUNKER
MUSIC BACK TO NOW
LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk. Need to find a place to hunker fer the night.
FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh!
LEM Whazzat?
FANSHAW Look - the horizon!
LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.
FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at. We shall... have to return, shan't we?
LEM Someone's gotta warn the town. Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march.
FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts?
LEM Not so much that I saw. They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.
FANSHAW [heavy sigh] Right, then.
SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE
LEM You worried about your lady friend?
FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend. But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me. [change of tone] We are a couple of hours out.
LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin. We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance.
SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE
FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we?
MUSIC
Auld Lang Syne [DeK4]
EPISODE 3
1_WONT SPOOK
SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE
LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you.
COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger. Ain't even your fight.
LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there. Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll--
COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you.
LEM That's fine. Make sure he ain't like to spook neither.
2_LISETTE
SOUND [above scene plays out in the background]
LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.
FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation?
LISETTE I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to. [frustrated noise] What I wouldn’t give to be able to leave this rattletrap town. I'm still not sure how you did that. Or why you came back.
FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison.
LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious. Fanshaw, dear old chum. Are you not afraid of what I might say?
FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others.
LISETTE [surprised laugh] Hah! All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air! And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us.
FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out. Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it. We have a job to do.
LISETTE Wait!
FANSHAW [long sigh] Yes?
LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"?
FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any. But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed.
3_JULIET
FLASHBACK
JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself.
FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo.
JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel?
ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself--
SOUND POUNDING
LISETTE Oh heavens! Not again!
MAN [calling from off] Sorry.
SOUND POUNDING STOPS
LISETTE Try that scene again from the top. Romeo?
FANSHAW [sigh] Yes?
LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine?
JULIET Oh, I like "him". So terribly byronic.
FANSHAW I'll see what I can do.
4_SCOTTY
SOUND PACKING A HORSE
SCOTTY Sir?
LEM Yeah?
SCOTTY Private Scott. Commander Bennington told me to report to you.
LEM [sigh] Right. You ever shot that for real?
SCOTTY O'course.
LEM Against a person?
SCOTTY Well, against animals.
LEM
GRISHAM Not everyone can be you.
LEM [sighs]
SCOTTY Don't you worry! I ain't afraid!
GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet. You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too?
LEM You got a horse, Scott?
SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty.
GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead.
LEM Right. You gotta horse?
SCOTTY Over there.
GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse. Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.
LEM Well, go and get'im.
SCOTTY Right, sir!
GRISHAM Ain't he a little young? You should oughtta throw him back.
LEM I'm stuck with him. And I never kept notches.
GRISHAM That ain't what I heered.
LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke.
GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me?
LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more.
GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot?
LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't?
SCOTTY Tell me about what? Injuns? [certain] I know all about them.
LEM [sigh]
5_SCOUTING
AMB CRICKETS
SOUND HORSES
FANSHAW They're still out of range. I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians.
LEM Hmm?
FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish. Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories?
LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible. Deserters, mebbe.
SCOTTY What ain't impossible?
LEM We're gettin close. Best to go on foot.
SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility!
LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.
FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel.
SOUND CREAK
LEM Like I'd forget that.
SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin! I ain't no finger monkey.
FANSHAW [laughs] I ne'er heard that one before.
SOUND REMOVING SPURS
LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things. If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there. You reckon?
SCOTTY How'll you find us?
LEM I'll find you. Just be ready. And don't shoot me.
SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT
6_JULIET2
FLASHBACK echoey hallway
LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw?
FANSHAW
LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume. Those leggings are positively scandalous.
FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers. Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony.
LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then. [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs.
FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement. [dismissive] But a costume is a costume. I certainly shan't make a fuss.
LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well.
7_FANSHAW SCOUTS
SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES
LEM [very quiet] Close enough?
FANSHAW I'll have a look round.
SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES
GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something?
LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled]
GRISHAM Ooh! Scairt you, din't I?
LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin.
GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then. Looks like I can get my own back on you.
LEM What all do you want?
GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box? I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen.
LEM Not likely, nope. How'd you follow us?
GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse?
LEM [half realizing something] Damn.
SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK
FANSHAW Who the devil is this?
GRISHAM Who the devil are you?
LEM What'd ya find out?
FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.
GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya? Highfaluting slicker talk!
FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible.
GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance!
FANSHAW We need to get moving.
GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man.
SOUND KNIFE
FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell!
SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN
LEM [trying not to laugh]
GRISHAM
FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned. We need to go.
GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off]
SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES
LEM What'd you do to him?
FANSHAW I didn't! I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?
8_JULIET3
SOUND TAP ON DOOR
LISETTE Fanshaw?
FANSHAW Come in.
LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing?
FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair. To create the right ilusion.
LISETTE That is what the HAT is for.
FANSHAW I prefer not. It looks like an ottoman on my head.
LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache.
FANSHAW Whyever not?
LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels!
FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair.
LISETTE That is the final straw! Miss Peabody said this would happen.
FANSHAW What?
LISETTE That you would take too many liberties. You are out.
FANSHAW Out?
LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production.
9_DEAD SCOTT
SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS
LEM [very quiet] Scotty?
FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god.
LEM Do I need to keep quiet?
FANSHAW I don't see anyone. .. hostile.
SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS
SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh!
LEM What is-- [tragic regret] Ohh.
SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres!
FANSHAW I don't doubt it.
SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts!
FANSHAW I think that just might explain--
SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller?
LEM [heavy sigh]
CLOSING
Auld Lang Syne [DeK4]
EPISODE 4
1_DROP EVERYTHING
SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC.
LEM Good thing I had that with me. Though now I gotta leave it.
SOUND SATCHEL DOWN
FANSHAW Of course.
SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir.
LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son. And you been punished enough.
SCOTTY What do you mean? They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it.
FANSHAW I'll deal with him.
LEM I'll leave you to it.
SCOTTY What are you doing?
LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns. You gon' be all right?
SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES
FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place. Especially in the dark.
SCOTTY Can't do anything? What are you talking about?
FANSHAW Hush, Scotty. Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk.
SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF
2_REBEL CAMP
SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc.
SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN
GRISHAM Where the hell? [Thunder?]! Goddam rustlers!
SOUND MEN WALK BY
LEADER Two horses, two saddles. I don't like it.
SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized. But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.
LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge.
SECOND We're nearly ready.
3_NO HEAVEN
SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT? I mean this is it? No nothing left? No heaven?
FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand. I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation.
SCOTTY But don’t no one ever pass along?
FANSHAW Most do. And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens.
SCOTTY And I won’t never even get to be with a woman.
FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear. That is a shame.
SCOTTY What's it like?
FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like?
SCOTTY Being with a woman?
FANSHAW ...
4_RUNNING
LEM [heavy but measured breathing]
SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH
LEM [muttered] Dammit. Leastways there's a good moon.
4A_FLASHBACK
MUSIC FLASHBACK
SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS
SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF
ROBERTS [yelling, off] Leastways, there's a good moon!
PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet]
ROBERTS [off, yelling] Spread out! Don't let that traitor get away! Where's that rope?
PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter]
SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE.
YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister?
PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream]
6_EXPERIENCE
FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters.
SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you? You been all over the place!
FANSHAW Oh dear. [up] I've spent most of my life deep in study. I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.
SCOTTY Me too. Not the studying, but the ... "later".
FANSHAW [after a moment] Women are.... soft.
SCOTTY [eager] Yeah?
FANSHAW And round. In places where men aren't.
SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they?
FANSHAW [flabbergasted] What?
SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts! Who knows what they got under there?
FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men. Arms, legs, heads - well, one head. You understand.
SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms.
FANSHAW Yes, that.
7_VARMINT
SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS?
PIEDMONT Shh! Don't let anyone know I am here.
YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer?
PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy. Do you know this area?
YOUNG LEM I should hope I do! My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man.
PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search.
YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup.
SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER
ROBERTS [outside] Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch!
YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa!
PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here?
YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped. I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.
8_YOUNG LOVE
FANSHAW I was in love. When I was very young.
SCOTTY Was she really purtty?
FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face. Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it?
SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you!
FANSHAW Our parents objected. They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school.
SCOTTY What didja do?
FANSHAW I waited. I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock.
SCOTTY You waited on a rock?
FANSHAW I waited at school. I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever.
SCOTTY What happened?
FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered...
SCOTTY Yes?
FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait.
SCOTTY She'd gone and --
FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another. Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer."
SCOTTY Damn! Women are right terrible.
FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy. There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men. We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame.
8_DISCOVERED
SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF
YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you?
PIEDMONT
YOUNG LEM Why? What for?
PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight.
YOUNG LEM You mean the war? My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right.
PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you?
YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are.
SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN
ROBERTS There he is!
MAN Get him!
PIEDMONT [scream]
SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN
YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand]
PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't!
10_STUCK
SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along?
FANSHAW We've encountered one or two.
SCOTTY How'd it work?
FANSHAW Work?
SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever!
FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you. I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has.
SCOTTY Years? You been dead for years and ain't moved on?
FANSHAW .. help people. And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.
11_SHOT
SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN
PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir! My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.
YOUNG LEM [gasp] Pa?
SOUND GUNSHOT
SOUND TWO BODY DROPS
ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you?
12_BUSINESS
FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.
SCOTTY Business? I ain't never been in business.
FANSHAW No, no. For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung.
SCOTTY I spose that could happen.
FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death.
SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right.
FANSHAW [cheering] Or, when the town has been warned. That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts.
SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!
FANSHAW Whatever is the matter?
SCOTTY What if it's ladies?
FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"?
SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady?
FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward. Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not.
13_WHUPPING
YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit]
ROBERTS You crying, boy?
YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir.
ROBERTS Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch.
SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN
YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead.
ROBERTS
YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me.
ROBERTS [beat] You asking something?
YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me? Or what if you did?
ROBERTS [long pause] Life's hard, boy. You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on.
YOUNG LEM
SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS
ROBERTS Lem?
YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir?
ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether]
YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir.
14_CRICKET
SCOTTY It ain't fair! I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing!
FANSHAW Life is not fair. Death even less so.
SCOTTY I--
FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.
SCOTTY Answer?
FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on.
SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back?
FANSHAW Lem will see that they do.
SCOTTY And what about you, Mister Fanshaw?
FANSHAW What about me?
SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too?
FANSHAW But you see Scotty, I have no wish to.
SCOTTY No? Why?
FANSHAW I still have many things to see. And I feel like I'm doing good here. There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life.
SCOTTY That's crazy talk.
FANSHAW That's why it's a story. In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things.
SCOTTY All right. Wait, a cricket, like a bug?
FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.
SCOTTY That’s just plumb crazy.
FANSHAW [gasp] Look at the horizon! I think they are on the move!
SCOTTY Is there something we can do?
FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was.
CLOSING
Auld Lang Syne [DeK4]
EPISODE 5
1_COMING
SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE
COMMANDER [commands] We need more shot at the western boundary! Get someone over there!
SOLDIER Yessir!
SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY
SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING
SOLDIER2 Sir! Someone's coming! On foot!
COMMANDER On foot?
SENTRY [off] Halt!
LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop... I'm gon fall down... And I gotta get to... The commander.
SENTRY Stop, I say!
COMMANDER Let him on through.
LEM They're a-movin. Deserters 'n comancheros. Have guns.
COMMANDER Why are you--
LEM Kilt Scotty. Took the horses. Look sharp. Ungh!
SOUND FALLS DOWN
COMMANDER Are you all right? [up] Someone get Doc!
LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off.
2_SPOOK HORSES
SCOTTY We got to do something!
FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind? I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem. By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe.
SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing? That's what haints do, isn't it?
FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town. Did the horses seem spooked to you?
SCOTTY [really down] No.
FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him. Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show.
3_TONIC
DOC Can you get yourself around this?
LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic?
DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.
LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks]
LISETTE Oh, goodness. I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.
LEM [coughs]
DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy.
LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat] Hits the spot.
LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away. [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly.
DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them. You up fer it?
LEM Will be... shortly. Any chance of a mite to eat? It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon.
4_DO SOMETHING
SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us?
FANSHAW We've come across... others. But they are very rare.
SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something! I want to help!
FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus! I am in precisely the same predicament!
SCOTTY But I--
GRISHAM [off] Will you two shut up? They're trying to sneak up on your position!
FANSHAW Oh dear. Come along.
SCOTTY Where?
FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible.
5_SADDLED
SOUND MEN READY TO GO
SOUND MOUNT UP
LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]
COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller?
LEM Better saddle than boots. I fair run the soles offa these.
COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set. Least we can do. Let's go.
SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT
LEM Commander?
COMMANDER Hmm?
LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position?
COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that. Too spread out. And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking.
LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out. Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover--
COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre. [up] Company! [attention!]
6_FIGHT
GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow!
SOUND PUNCH
FANSHAW [casual] shut up.
SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big!
FANSHAW Leave him! [quiet, moving away] We can't actually be hurt. But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to. I learned that the hard way.
GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you!
FANSHAW Blast! He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done.
SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you?
FANSHAW How?
SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to--
GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man!
SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him]
GRISHAM oof!
SCOTTY Better'n pie! You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta.
FANSHAW Good lad.
7_GRANDKIDS
LEM [muttered] Fanshaw? Too far out.
COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge?
LEM Nothing much to speak of. Some hills. A ridge off to the north where first we saw them. No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though.
COMMANDER Cain't let this sort of thing go.
LEM Course not.
COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you?
LEM Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty.
COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead?
LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it.
COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad.
LEM Kin?
COMMANDER
LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin.
COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies.
LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't.
8_PIRATES
SOUND MUCH CREEPING
FANSHAW Looks like about three score. Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night. Like pirates.
8A_FLASHBACK
MUSIC FLASHBACK
AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY
NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug.
YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny! I'm very nearly 10 years old.
NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug. Oh! Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head? [gasp of fear] Did you hurt yourself? Show nanny!
YOUNG CLARA No! I am a pirate.
NANNY Do not be so silly. There are no pirates.
YOUNG CLARA Of course there are. They are in books, so they must be real.
NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate.
YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW. When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want.
9_WASPS
COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had?
LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought. At least 30, probably more.
COMMANDER [skeptical] Really?
LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow.
COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don’t.
LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many.
COMMANDER [chuckles] Sound thinking. [up] Lieutenant!
10_BAG
SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT
SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING
SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller? I ain't even blowed!
GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper! Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away!
FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead. More than he will ever know. [gasp] No.
RUFFIAN1 Hey! I found something!
SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR
FANSHAW [worried] Damn! Lem's bag!
RUFFIAN2 What?
SECOND Silence!
RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later!
RUFFIAN1 Split it? Nonsense! It's mine, whatever it is!
SECOND [whispered] Keep moving!
11_SCOUT AHEAD
COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway. Get to high ground and cut off retreat.
BOB Yessir!
LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.
COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself?
LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta. 'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it.
COMMANDER Valuables?
LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced.
COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh?
LEM [chuckle] I reckon.
12_LEAD ROPE
SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw! That fellow just vanished! Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him!
FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well.
SCOTTY Why?
FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag. Now that it has been found...
SCOTTY Why? Keeping an eye on it?
FANSHAW There's something in there - Oh! It's moving. Stay with me as long as you can.
SCOTTY Why can't I--?
FANSHAW Shh! [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there. And you are on the other end.
SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT]
FANSHAW Basically, yes. You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope.
SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag?
FANSHAW Yes! [gasp] Bloody thieves!
SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY
13_BE A BOY
YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate! I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold!
NANNY Stealing is very wicked.
YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing! Then you're just a sailor!
NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates. Young ladies become mommies.
YOUNG CLARA Or nannies.
NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug. You shall be a mummy.
YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny. Mummies are boring. Nannies have things to do.
NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too.
YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate! I want to see the world!
NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys.
YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy!
END
Auld Lang Syne [DeK4]
EPISODE 6
1_READY
SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF
COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own??
LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience.
COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty.
LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice--
COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there.
LEM I kin look after myself. Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy. I best get a move on.
COMMANDER One thing.
LEM Yeah?
COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before.
LEM [down] Oh.
COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid.
LEM I-
COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous. Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town.
LEM [realizing] Ri-ight.
COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar.
LEM I kin only do my best.
SOUND WALKS AWAY
2_BLACKGUARDS
SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING
LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up.
FANSHAW
RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways?
RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy.
RUFFIAN2 [whisper] Heavy is good! Mebbe it's gold!
RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing!
FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation. I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.
3_TALLYHO
SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS
LEM [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off. And ridin.
FANSHAW [distant] Tally-ho!
LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort]
FANSHAW Halloooooo! Halloo- [suddenly cut off]
LEM What the devil? [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self.
SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF
4_STRUGGLE
AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE
GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out!
FANSHAW [muffled noises]
SOUND STRUGGLING
GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!
SOUND MORE STRUGGLE
GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me. Long as I ignore it. But I can still keep a tight grip on you.
FANSHAW [noise of effort]
GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey! You bit me!
FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!!
GRISHAM [disgusted noise]
FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again]
GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid-- [stunned!] whatthehell?
FANSHAW [noise of effort]
SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE
GRISHAM You're a-- ?
FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster.
SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES
GRISHAM what the hell? A female?
5_SIGNAL
COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece.
SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS
COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet] They're coming!
SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES]
COMMANDER [a bit superior] I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.
6_PLAN DOS
LEADER Shots?
SECOND Sir?
LEADER Someone has seen. Get El puerco and his fellows. Tell them plan dos.
SECOND Plan dos, sir?
LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town. We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more.
SECOND Yessir!
SOUND RUNS OFF
SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do?
7_BUCKETFULL
SOUND HORSES APPROACHING
NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind.
FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem! That dead friend of yours is about - watch out!
LEM [muttered] Damn. And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down.
SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS
LEM [very quietly] 30...? Nearer fifty. That's a bucketful of wasps.
SOUND SHOTS! (where the horses went to)
LEM [muttered to self] hold on.
SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING
LEM [muttered] almost...
GRISHAM There you are!
LEM [sharp intake of breath] That don't work on me twice. Specially when I been warned.
GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n? Funny thing about that--
SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY
LEM Good riddance. And jest in time.
SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING
MaN [shot, fall]
8_HOLD THE LINES
COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines! More shot, boy!
BOY Yessir!
MAN [hit, argh!]
COMMANDER Stay low!
FANSHAW All seems rather well here.
GRISHAM There you are.
FANSHAW Bloody hell.
GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady!
FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you.
SOUND FANSHAW OUT
9_RELOAD
SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE
SOUND RELOADING
SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS
LEM That's nine.
SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT
SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone! They're circling round! There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines!
LEM [listens for a second] Fanshaw? Damn.
SCOTTY [yelling] Please! Don't let them hurt nobody in town.
LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse. [chuckles] dead don't get hoarse. But I gotta get one. [clucks to horse]
SOUND HORSE BLOWS
LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle] Come on.
FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem?
LEM Wazzat? There you are!
FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay. That blighter keeps trying to grab me.
LEM Grisham?
FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well. The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart.
LEM Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message?
FANSHAW What message?
LEM Just try and tell the boy. So he can rest hisself. [to the horse] Geeyah!
SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF
FANSHAW Scotty? Can you hear me?
10_YOU STAY
COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town.
CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or--
COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable. They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures.
SOUND HORSE APPROACHING
LEM [distant] Commander!
COMMANDER Let him through. [up, to Lem] Looks like we've got nearly all of them.
SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT
COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but--
SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS
LEM [to horse] Whoah! I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.
COMMANDER My god!
LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me.
COMMANDER You, boy!
BOY Yessir?
COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly!
LEM You're needed here, surely?
COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts. My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men.
LEM Sound thinkin. I have been going a bit.
COMMANDER Corporal?
CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir.
FANSHAW Lem? I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance. Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty.
SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS
LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints. I see purty well in the dark.
CORPORAL Excellent!
FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up.
GRISHAM Found you!
FANSHAW Oh, damn!
GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you--
FANSHAW [hits out]
GRISHAM [ungh!]
FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem. Too distracting.
SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES
GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly] Coward! But I don't suppose I should be surprised.
LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse.
GRISHAM What?
LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet. You hear me?
GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]
LEM I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle--
SOUND GUNSHOT
LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn!
SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE
GRISHAM Hah! I still gotcha!
LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?
CORPORAL [commanding] Men!
SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS
LEM [groan]
SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES
END
NEXT EPISODE BEGINS
SOUND FADES IN AND OUT
COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow.
LEM [vague] all's well?
COMMANDER We got em.
LEM My pack?
COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it.
FADE OUT
DOCTOR Bite down on this. He's lost a lot of blood.
FADE OUT
BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them. You sure I should even bother--?
FADEOUT
WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister. You need to get some o'yer strength back.
SICKROOM
LEM [annoyed moan]
FANSHAW You're awake.
LEM [quiet] Anyone--?
FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet.
LEM I been shot?
FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages. Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say. I should have been watching.
LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.
FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly] Should I ...go?
LEM Go? go where?
FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace. To rest. I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it.
LEM [straining a bit] Did you see, did it go alla way through?
FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared.
LEM [satisfied]
FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I?
LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind.
FANSHAW
LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over?
FANSHAW [bracing breath]
LEM [exasperated snort] Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it?
FANSHAW
LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you.
FANSHAW So she did--?
LEM [shrug] So?
FANSHAW [surprised] So?
LEM You cain't be the first.
FANSHAW First?
LEM Nor the last, like enough.
FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you?
LEM Well, you don't do it no more.
FANSHAW .. don't?
LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.
FANSHAW What?
END