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19 Nocturne Boulevard


19 Nocturne Boulevard is an award-winning anthology audio drama series that ran from 2008 through 2013, and then went into deep hibernation.

STILL working on that Comeback!!

Also the creator of Fatal Girl, Bingo the Birthday Clown, The Deadeye Kid, The Lovecraft 5, The Prisoner of Hancock House, The Decadence of Borrowed Silk, Eternal Dusk Roulette, and Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.                                                        Join our awesome Patreon supporters!

May 20, 2022

Paul and Donna are hired by Prince Waldo Charming to find his lost love - his only clue?  A shoe.

Cast List
Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson
Paul Bette - Joel Harvey
Goldy Taylor - Rhys Torres-Miller
Prince Waldo - Morgan Brown
Alexander - Will Watt
Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck
Miss Barbara - Robert Cudmore (YAP Audio)
Espadrille - Reynaud LeBoeuf

Music by  Somewhere Off Jazz Street
     Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson
Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a private detective's office
in a time sort of like the 1940s, can't you tell?"

********************************************

PUMPS AND SPECTATORS - B&B Investigates, episode 2

Cast:

Announcer

Donna Bella

Paul Bette

Goldy Tailor - secretary

Prince Waldo Charming

Baron Alexander/Cindy

Espadrille gruff "stepsister"

Barbara, housemother/fairy godmother

OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Detective Agency, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

Scene 1.   

SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP

GOLDY    B&B Investigations, may I help you?  [beat, then turns belligerent]  Look, it ain't gonna happen.  ... No.  Because the boss don't help no one find tarts.  Nope.  Never.

SOUND    HANGS UP

DONNA    Another missing good time girl?

GOLDY    Nahhh.  Queen of hearts.  Ya know.

DONNA    Oh.  Patticakes.  Well, if anything real comes in, I can handle it.  [annoyed] Just 'cause Paul's not back from the enchanted brute convention as early as he was supposed to be doesn't mean the office shuts down.  He may be off doing who knows what with his furred and fanged cronies, but I'm sure he knows he can trust me to take on whatever--

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 2.   

GOLDY    Man, she had it bad.  A case of sea green envy for what the boss might be getting up to with his old college chums.  So what they were mostly frogs, bears, and the occasional walrus - she'd heard the sort of thing they used to get up to--

DONNA    What are you doing?

GOLDY    Filling in.  The boss should be back any minute, and then --

DONNA    Look, I don't need anyone else horning in on my - our voiceovers.

GOLDY    I just figured you might not want to be the one pouring your heart out in a narrative conceit....

DONNA    So you thought you'd pour it out for me?  [sarcastic] Thanx.

Scene 3.   

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL

MUSIC ENDS

ALEXANDER    Pardon the interruption, ladies.  May I announce Prince Waldo Charming?

SOUND    STRIDES REGALLY IN, FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS ENTOURAGE.

DONNA     Did you have to bring the whole box of toy soldiers?  The office is only so big.

ALEXANDER    [consults with the prince, then]  Atten-hut!  About face!  March.

SOUND     ENDLESS FEET LEAVE AGAIN

ALEXANDER    The prince apologizes for the intrusion, but he prefers to keep this as informal and ‑ahem- low-profile as possible.

DONNA    Sure.  I can see that.  Why don't you step into the office over here?

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 4.   

DONNA    So this was the infamous prince Waldo - the biggest royal catch of the last eight fishing seasons, and far too wily to let himself get hooked.  Every princess, rich society dame, screen siren, and various other lesser gold diggers had set their bait for him, and he swam serenely past them all.  I'm not among the anglers myself, since I already had my own trophy in sight- my own partner, Paul Bette, away now drinking with his cronies and doing whatever they please in the name of "old times".

GOLDY    [side of the mouth] You're staring.

DONNA    Huh? 

GOLDY    [side of the mouth] He's about to get a restraining order.

DONNA    Oh, um--  Office, right.

MUSIC OUT

Scene 5.   

SOUND    OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

DONNA    Well?  What can I do for you?

PRINCE    Coffee?

DONNA    Certainly.

SOUND    CLICK OF INTERCOM

GOLDY     A package just came for you.

DONNA    Busy now.  Goldy?  Three coffees, please?  One too hot, and two just right?  Yes.

SOUND    INTERCOM OUT

DONNA    So, what brings you to a private investigator?

PRINCE    I don't think we need to discuss it until he arrives. 

DONNA    [barely polite]  What?  [exasperated noise]  He is due back soon, but I can help you just as well.  My name's on the door too.  Well, my initial, anyway.

PRINCE    [bland, disinterested] Oh?  Lovely.  I hope you don't mind, but I find this is really a masculine sort of problem.

DONNA    There are potions for that, you know.

ALEXANDER    [incensed]  Young lady, what are you intimating?

DONNA    That maybe he doesn't live up to his name?

ALEXANDER    What's wrong with Waldo?

DONNA    I meant Charming.

PRINCE    I'll have you know--

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN

PAUL    Coffee?  Donna?  Why don't you let me deal with these good gentlemen. 

DONNA    What?

PAUL    [muttered] Go to voiceover.

Scene 6.   

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA    [spitting words] So I left the boys to it.

PAUL    [vo] What Donna didn't know was that I'd been listening on the intercom and knew she'd been about to scratch the eyes out of a very powerful prince--

DONNA    It wasn't his eyes I'd be aiming for--

PAUL    And it wouldn't do us any good to get on his wrong side.

DONNA    Does he have a right one?

PAUL    So rather than subject her to more of the prince's royaler-than-thou attitude, I decided to step in and let her off the hook.

DONNA    [softening] Oh!

PAUL    Scoot.

DONNA    Leave the intercom on.  [blows him a kiss]

VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES

Scene 7.   

DONNA    I'll just scoot then and go get my nails done or something, shall I?

PRINCE    While nothing could possibly enhance your already considerable beauty, I'm certain that's precisely what you need.  [kisses her hand]

SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR

Scene 8.   

DONNA    Yup.  Definitely need to get my nails sharpened.

GOLDY    Come on.  Let's hear what they have to say--

PRINCE    [on intercom]  Bit of a temper, has she, that girl?

PAUL    [on intercom, fading to normal voice halfway through]  You don't know the half of it.  She's passionate about everything.

PRINCE    Ah.  Well, then.  Let me get down to the problem at hand.  I think you will understand, Mr., um--

PAUL    Bette.  Paul Bette.  Just call me Paul if you like.

PRINCE    Paul.  Quite.  And you may call me Prince Charming.

PAUL    Charmed.  [waits for a laugh, nothing]  Ah.  Your case?

PRINCE    Well, I have a passing acquaintance with an old school chum of yours, Prince Freddie Grenouille, and he says you are top of the line - both for cleverness and for ... ahem... discretion.

PAUL    Absolutely.  Anything you say won't leave this room.

PRINCE    Good.  I'm sorry to take so long to come to the point here, but this is a very delicate and stressful situation, and I am truly truly desperate.

PAUL    Go on.

Scene 9.   

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL    I'd seen it all, from paternity suits to clearing up the occasional "carriage under the influence" charge.  And the royals were often the worst.  They could get away with pretty much anything, as long as they were willing to risk the occasional fairy charm or gypsy curse. 

MUSIC CHANGES

DONNA    But Charming had never been a "bad boy" - at least not in any way that made it into the scandal rags--

PAUL    Hey, what's with the--

DONNA    My new voiceover music just arrived by special messenger.  I'm trying out a couple of different pieces.  What do you think?

PAUL    Um...

DONNA    You don't like it. 

PAUL    It's a little ... perky.

DONNA    Fine.  Go ahead and finish up. 

PAUL    Are you ...annoyed?

DONNA    [snapping] No. 

VOICEOVER MUSIC CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL

PAUL    Charming did have a nearly spotless record.  He was an athlete - Greco-roman wrestling, fencing, and polo, a supporter of the arts - even acted in a few charity plays from time to time.  A general bon vivant.  No dark side, or so everyone thought...

VOICEOVER MUSIC OUT

Scene 10.   

PRINCE    [vibrant] So when I danced with her last night, it was like we'd known each other for ever!

PAUL    Did you happen to catch her name?

PRINCE    Only Cindy.  When I asked her last name, she merely smiled and changed the subject - she was so alluring!

PAUL    And you want me to--

PRINCE    [desperate] Find her.  I must see her again.  You can't possibly understand the pressure a thirty-uh-something prince is under to find a bride. 

PAUL    I can see that would be awkward.

PRINCE    Women are constantly being shoved at me from all sides, and - frankly?  I can't stand most of them.  They're such insipid little birds.  They tell me how fascinating I am, and then proceed to show they know nothing at all about me.  They profess to like all the things I like, then don't even know how to spell jai-alai, let alone play it. 

PRINCE    [continued] I've spent years carefully keeping clear of marriage, since it would mean I'd have to spend my entire life with  a silly little twit, and would be obligated to listen to her chirp.

PAUL    And this Cindy?

PRINCE    [raptured] Completely different.  She dressed marvelously, but didn't feel compelled to give me the names of all her tailors.  She danced like a dream, but didn't demand I take her for one more spin around the floor, or suggest we walk out on the balcony.  And when she said she liked the things I like, she - she actually did!

PAUL    Can you give me a description?

PRINCE    About my height - in heels - long glossy dark chestnut hair - a few shades darker than your young lady's auburn - rather like Alexander's here - huge luminous eyes, and long artist's fingers on very strong hands.

PAUL    Hmm.  Alexander, was it?

ALEXANDER    [slightly panicky] Sir?

PAUL    Can you add anything?

ALEXANDER    I wasn't--  I was with a sick friend last night.

PAUL    Ah.  That's awkward.  [to prince] Do you have any other clue to her identity?

PRINCE    Oh, yes.  Alexander, the bag.

ALEXANDER    Sir.

SOUND    BAG PLOPPED ONTO DESK, SOMETHING PULLED OUT

PAUL    A... shoe.

PRINCE    She ran away at the stroke of midnight, and left it behind.

PAUL    Can I keep this?

PRINCE    But - she'll need it, when I find her again.

PAUL    I mean to go over it for clues.  I'll get it back to you.

PRINCE    [sigh of relief] Well, yes, then.  I thought-- nevermind.

PAUL    I have my own female troubles - I have no plans to try and horn in on yours.

ALEXANDER    You think any woman would throw over [too warm] such a Charming price, for a big brute of a private eye?

PAUL    [chastened] No.  [tries to chuckle]  Course not.  But I do have to warn you, sire--

PRINCE    Yes?

PAUL    This girl.  If she deliberately made herself such a mystery, there may very well be a good reason.

PRINCE    like what?

PAUL    She could be anything - a commoner, a ghost, a transformed hedgehog--

ALEXANDER    Nonsense!

PAUL    The point is, you need to face reality and understand that there could be something very shady about her.

PRINCE    I don't care.  She's the only woman I've ever felt this way about, and I plan to marry her - come what may.  You find her for me.  I shall handle the rest.

Scene 11.   

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL    Chauvinist or not, Charming was determined, in that way that only princes in love can be.  It was that particular brand of love that drives one to climb unclimbable mountains and fight unkillable dragons, and what do they get at the end?  Married.

MUSIC CHANGES

DONNA    Like Charming said, most princesses were simpering idiots with more hair than brains, and I should know - I may not be one myself, but I went to the same prep school.

PAUL    This?  You decided on this?

DONNA    Give me a break.  I can't tell how they're gonna sound until I try them out.

PAUL    This is awful.

DONNA    Fine.  Let me see the shoe, and we'll go on from there.

MUSIC OUT

Scene 12.   

SOUND    SHOE SET ON DESK

PAUL    There.

DONNA    Nice.

SOUND    HE SITS IN CHAIR

PAUL    Do you think it's a little... large?

DONNA    A bit bigger than mine.

PAUL    Really, I guess I never really--

DONNA    Look at my feet?

PAUL    [leering a bit] I never make it down that far...

SOUND    SHE SITS UP ON DESK

DONNA    Really?

PAUL    Really.  [slight growl]

DONNA    Question.  When I left, did the prince and his friend -uh- make it down that far?

PAUL    What do you mean?

DONNA    What were they looking at?

PAUL    They just watched you leave.

DONNA    I didn't hear you growl--

PAUL    Well, of course--  [suddenly worried] Oh-- you actually notice when I do that?

DONNA    [dreamy]  Of course I do.  I don't mind when you-- um, get annoyed on my behalf.

PAUL    [deep breath]  I think we're getting a bit off track here.

DONNA    Right.  Shoe.

PAUL    No, left.  Shoe.  Anything?

DONNA    It's a Dolce-geppeto.  They're pricey, but not extortionate.  Too bad she didn't mention her dressmaker - that would have been a much better clue. 

PAUL    Well, how many places sell these shoes?

DONNA    Assuming she's local, maybe six of the big boutiques downtown.

PAUL    You wanna take those, then?  Go ask questions?

DONNA    Um... No. 

PAUL    You don't want to go shopping for shoes?  I mean, [scared] you're going to leave me to hit all these fancy ladies' shoe shops?

DONNA    I have some ideas of my own to follow up on, and the shoe isn't going anywhere.  Tell you what, if you don't get a hit on the shoe in 24 hours, I'll take it. 

PAUL    But - but how do I even ask?

DONNA    Here.

SOUND    INTERCOM BEEP

DONNA    Goldy, could you come in here?

SOUND    DOOR

GOLDY    Yeah?

DONNA    Take this to Rose & Snow's and ask for the style number.  Then ask them if they have any record of someone buying this shoe in this size in the last two weeks.

GOLDY    I don't do legwork.  I ain't as young as I used to be.

DONNA    Buy yourself a pair of shoes - on the office - while you're there.

GOLDY    Gimme that!

SOUND    SNATCH, DOOR SLAMS

PAUL    [brightening] So I could just send her round to every store?

DONNA    Not at a pair of shoes per trip.  We'd run through our entire commission.

PAUL    What?

DONNA    I said they weren't cheap.  One pair we can add in as a legitimate expense - past that...  [shrug]  Once you get the style nunmber, you can phone the rest.  Well, I'm heading out.

SOUND    JUMPS DOWN OFF DESK

DONNA    Need anything?

PAUL    [a bit lost, watching her]  Um, no...

DONNA    Chow!

Scene 13.   

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL    Wo.  [deep breath]  I thought over the content of our discussion and realized there was something she was keeping back - that secret smile, the strange questions - but while we were talking I couldn't take my eyes off her, sitting on my desk like that, one silk-seamed leg crossed over the other.  [growl]  She doesn't even seem to notice the effect she has on me, and I'm not sure whether that makes it worse or better - if I tell her, she might just stop, and then I won't even get this much of a--

MUSIC CHANGES AGAIN

DONNA    What is this, a beer garden?  They sent me the wrong box, I'm sure of it.

PAUL    It's not so bad - for a polka.

DONNA    Hmph.  You done yet?

PAUL    Uh, yeah - I'll talk to a few folks while I'm waiting for Goldy to get back.

DONNA    [beat] There are things men just don't see, and which it's probably better they don't.  A picture was painting itself in my head, and while it wasn't a particularly tricky answer to the problem of find the girl, it also wasn't likely to have the happiest of endings.  Why?  I added up a size 11 shoe, a lady who could spell jai alai and a prince who didn't stare at my backside as I left the room, and I got a very queer answer indeed.

MUSIC     STARTS TO FADE

DONNA    And it was an answer I wasn't sure my wonderful he-man partner would be at all happy about, which is why I went alone to a boarding house we used to rather snottily call Gamma Alpha Ypsilon, back in my own sorority days. 

SOUND    FEET ON PORCH, KNOCK ON DOOR

Scene 14.   

ESPADRILLE    Yes?

DONNA    Hi, I'm a P.I. and I'm--

SOUND     DOOR SLAM

DONNA    [sigh]

SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR

DONNA    I'm not going away.  You can talk to me, or you can talk to my partner, and he ain't gonna understand.

SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN

BARBARA    What do you want?

DONNA    I'm looking for someone, and I think she might be known here.

BARBARA    For this you come around annoying my girls?  Scaring poor Espadrille half to death?

DONNA    I have no interest in making trouble for anybody.  Please.  I just have some questions and would rather not shout them to the entire world.  Can we talk?

BARBARA    [deciding] You tell me what you need, I decide if I'll ask anyone else.  Come on - my parlor's over here.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 15.   

DONNA    So I outlined the problem, and Miss Barbara was very upset by the whole situation - she said she was sure Cindy wasn't one of her ...boarders, but that she would ask around.  She didn't give me much hope, though.

Scene 16.   

MUSIC OUT

BARBARA    Tell the poor boy it will never work.  Two worlds, all that.  He would have to be willing and able to take her as she is - warts and all, as they say - and the chances of that are - pfft!

DONNA    You might be surprised.

BARBARA    Honey, I ain't been surprised in years.

VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS IN

Scene 17.   

PAUL    Were you using the old music again?

DONNA    I ...forgot.  Sorry.  But the new stuff is pretty cringe-worthy.

PAUL    Keep trying, sweetheart.  You'll find something.

DONNA    I hope so.  Did you need the voiceover?

PAUL    Only if you're finished. 

DONNA    [sigh] Yeah, I guess so.  I need to think.

PAUL    So I checked with the photographers from last night's big bash - and found that the mystery just deepened.  This Cindy was a slick sister - seemed to always know where the snappers were and managed to keep her back to them all night.  Only once did they catch half a profile, head and shoulders with just a glimpse of the side of her face - I told him to blow it up and send it over, along with a dozen of the dress, figuring maybe Donna could play name that dressmaker.  Then I decided to catch up with an old friend...

MUSIC OUT

Scene 18.   

SOUND    BANGING ON A DOOR

RUMPY    [muffled, hung over] Bugger off!

SOUND    CLINKING OF COINS

PAUL    One, two, three--

SOUND    DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN

RUMPY    If it ain't me old pal, Bette.  Git yourself inside here - that daylight's too damn bright.

SOUND    SHUFFLING FEET

PAUL    It's dark out.

SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS

RUMPY    Then what am I doing asleep? 

SOUND    BONK

PAUL    Ow!

RUMPY     [amused] Gotta watch them rafters, you old beanstalk you.

PAUL    [strained, cause he's bending over]  I need you to find out about someone for me.  A woman.

RUMPY    Your sweet partner?  She running around with other ...dicks?

PAUL    What?  What do you--?

RUMPY    Nothing.  Just wondering maybe she plying her trade - and I do mean detecting, no offense, [sarcastic] my friend - elsewhere.

PAUL    Of course she's not.  She wouldn't--

RUMPY     You're probably right.  So who did you want me to check over?

SOUND    CORK OUT OF JUG

PAUL    [musing] There wouldn't be time, anyway - though she didn't want to take on the shoe--

RUMPY    [gulping, then] Whazzat?

PAUL    Nothing.  Um.  Right.  A woman who was spotted at the Prince's June Glam ball last night.  No one seems to know who she was, and she didn't, apparently, have an invite.

RUMPY    [way sarcastic] Yeah, one look at me, and you just know I'm up on the society pages. 

PAUL    I don't think this dame's "society."  I think she's working an angle on the prince, and I want to know if there's a whisper anywhere. 

RUMPY    What's in it for me?

PAUL    This, now--

SOUND    CLINK OF TWO COINS

PAUL    And twice that if you can deliver.

RUMPY    C'mon, Bette, old buddy, old pal - I'm gonna haveta drink around for this, maybe float some people.  Play the game.

PAUL    Keep your receipts.

SOUND    A COUPLE STEPS, THEN

SOUND    BONK!

PAUL    Ow!

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 19.   

PAUL    I started the wheels in motion, but nothing would turn up for a couple of days - if ever.  [beat]  Donna?  Are you there?  [beat, then worried]  I figured she just didn't like the case - she certainly didn't seem to take a shine to that prince.  He was handsome, in that tall, cold, blonde princely sort of way, and she always says she hates those guys.  [beat]  Donna?

DONNA    Busy now.  I'll fill in my part later.

PAUL    Where are you?  Maybe I can come by and help?

DONNA    Nope.  Just interviewing the prince's friend.  You go ahead and keep the--  Oops, gotta go!

PAUL    The friend?  Dark haired, willowy, handsome, not so tall.  Not a good train of thought to catch, since like any other express, it runs non-stop.  [up]  I'll just go back to the office then, shall I?

DONNA    [chuckling breaks off] Hmm?  Oh, sure.  See you in a bit.

PAUL    [growls]

MUSIC OUT

Scene 20.   

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN HARD

GOLDY    I see someone's in a bright and shiny mood.

PAUL    No calls.

SOUND    STOMPING FEET, OFFICE DOOR YANKS OPEN, THEN SLAMS

VOICEOVER MUSIC - new tune, not too bad.

GOLDY    What did she do?

DONNA    What?

GOLDY    Oops - I'll get out of--

DONNA    Wait, what did who do? [waits a second]  Goldy?  Chicken.  Fine.  Music hold.

SOUND    MUSIC CUTS SUDDENLY

SOUND    TELEPHONE RINGS

GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may-- 

DONNA    [filter] What were you saying?

GOLDY    Oh.  Boss is kind of upset is all.  Figured, um...

DONNA    [filter, warning] What?

GOLDY    Well, when he starts slamming doors, he's usually annoyed... um... with-- you?

DONNA    [filter, long breath to get her composure back] I am in the middle of something, but-- Soon as I'm back, we're going to have a--

GOLDY    Oops - call coming in.  buh-Bye!

SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP

Scene 21.   

ALEXANDER    Were you finished with me? 

DONNA    Not quite, but I don't think we can talk here.  I need you to come to my suite at the Andersen Arms.  Tonight at 7 p.m.  Alone.

ALEXANDER    Really, miss Bella, I don't think--

DONNA    Sweetie, you're not my type.  But we need to talk somewhere a bit more private. 

ALEXANDER    [cautious and concerned] Talk?

SOUND    SCRIBBLING A NOTE ON PAPER

DONNA    It's regarding the welfare of the prince, and you know how people leap on--

SOUND    HANDING PAPER OVER

ALEXANDER    Hmm?  [reads, gasps, the a bit frightened] Yes, of course.  I'll-- I'll be there.

Scene 22.   

NEW MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - KIND OF ROMANCEY

DONNA     Now to figure out how to tell Paul I wanted to handle a denouement on my own. 

GOLDY    You want I should tell him?

DONNA    Will you stop jumping in on the voiceovers?  We have enough trouble sharing them as it is.

GOLDY    Fine.  I was gonna tell you where the boss is.  But since you obviously have everything well in hand--

DONNA    Where is he?  [beat]  Goldy?  Hold.

Scene 23.   

MUSIC CUTS OUT

SOUND    PHONE RINGS

DONNA    Come on...

PAUL    [on phone] Hello?

DONNA    Oh, drat.

PAUL    [on phone] What?  Donna?

DONNA    Paul, I--

PAUL    [on phone] I've found Cindy.

DONNA    You have?  Where?

PAUL    [on phone] Well, a good solid lead.  Should have my hands on her by this evening, but she's a tough cookie to nail down. 

DONNA    Crumbs!

PAUL    [on phone] What?

DONNA    If you nailed down a cookie.  Nevermind.

PAUL    [on phone] Why are we talking on the phone?  Why don't you just come on into the office?

DONNA    I - I've got a terrible headache.  Think I'll go home and lie down.  Be fresh in the morning.  Bye!

PAUL    [on phone] Donna?  [normal]  Donna?

SOUND    HANGS UP THE PHONE

PAUL    Damn.  Headache, my eye.

SOUND    PHONE RINGS, keeps ringing

PAUL    Goldy?  You wanna get this?

GOLDY    [off] Nah - it's probably her again.

PAUL    But it's your job to answer the phone...

GOLDY    [off] I'm on my break.

SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP

PAUL    [sighs, then tries to mimic Goldy's voice] B&B Investigations, how can I help you?

GOLDY    [off] Oy...

RUMPY    [on phone]  You got a cold, Bette?  Or just drinking alum?

PAUL    [normal]  Stuff it.  What you got, Rumpy?

RUMPY    [on phone]  [chuckles]  What you got for me?

PAUL    I'll meet you tomorrow.

RUMPY    [on phone]  Nuh-uh.  [sighs]  My expense account musta grown from magic beans - it's just about sky level now.

PAUL    We didn't--

RUMPY    [on phone]  Oh, it'll be worth it.  Bring your wallet to the Andersen Arms right away.  I'm in the lobby.

SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP

Scene 24.   

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - STILL THE LAST MUSIC DONNA WAS USING, ROMANTIC

PAUL    What the--?  This is... Donna's music?  [gulps]  The Andersen Arms was a classic old building on Mermaid street, and Donna had lived there for--

RUMPY    Did you bring the clinkage?

PAUL    I'm not there yet.  This is still the voiceover.

RUMPY    [chuckles] Nice grooves.  You going soft, pal. 

PAUL    It's Donna's new music.

RUMPY    So she's going soft? Hmmm...

PAUL    Look, I'll be there in a second!

RUMPY    No skin off my nose.

PAUL    [sigh] Fine.  I arrived.  Done.

MUSIC FADES OUT

Scene 25.   

RUMPY    Took you long enough.  Cross my palm, and I'll tell you all.

SOUND    COINS CLINK

RUMPY    That's what I'm talking about.  I've got one interesting tidbit--

PAUL    Shh.  Hide!

RUMPY    What?

PAUL    That fellow, who just skulked in.  I know him.

RUMPY    Friend of yours?

PAUL    A client. 

RUMPY    Hmm.  Is this a consultation?

PAUL    Hold that thought.  I'll be back to get my coins' worth.

SOUND    STORMS IN THROUGH REVOLVING DOOR

RUMPY    [going off] I'll start you an account.

ORIGINAL VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

PAUL    Nope.  [beat]  Go away.  [beat] I'm not saying anything.

MUSIC ENDS IN A HUFF

Scene 26.   

SOUND    ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN

SOUND    HEAVY STRIDES, KNOCKING ON A DOOR

DONNA    [off]  Huh?  Hello?

PAUL    Open up.

DONNA    [dramatic gasp] Paul? 

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HE PUSHES IN

DONNA    What?  What's wrong with you?

PAUL    It's highly unprofessional, you know.

DONNA    Well, I should say so!

PAUL    To just waltz in here like this--

DONNA    Ye-e-es.

PAUL    And--  What?

DONNA    Are you apologizing?

PAUL    What?  No.  Where is he?  I saw him in the lobby--

DONNA    [gasp]  You came here because--  You thought - [gasp]!

PAUL    What am I supposed to think?

DONNA    I solved the case, but you're not going to like the answer.

PAUL    What makes you think I won't?

SOUND    WATER RUNS IN THE BATHROOM

PAUL    [growls]

DONNA    That's why.  Look, I was about to do the big unveil, but--

PAUL    [plaintive] Without me?

DONNA    [softening] You'll understand.  Can you keep quiet?

PAUL    Of course I can. 

SOUND    BLOWDRYER RUNS

PAUL    [growls]

DONNA    Hmm?

PAUL    [sheepish] O-k.

SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DONNA    That will be the prince.

SOUND    FEET, DOOR OPENS

Scene 27.   

DONNA    Come in, your royal highness.

SOUND    HESITANT FOOTSTEPS

PAUL    No entourage?

DONNA    Ssh.  Thank you for coming alone.

PRINCE    [upset] I haven't much choice.  Alexander is nowhere to be found.

PAUL    Your pal from the office?

PRINCE    We've been chums since childhood.  I feel rather exposed without him along.

DONNA    It must have been awkward, then, that he couldn't make it to the ball.

PRINCE    It was the first he ever missed.  Too bad,  I think he'll like Cindy.

DONNA    They probably have a lot in common.

PAUL    [suspicious]  They do...?

DONNA    You better have a seat, sire.  This is likely to get a little awkward.

PRINCE    But have you found my Cindy?

DONNA    Yes.

PAUL    [quiet] Yes?

PRINCE    Where is she?

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

BARBARA    Right here.  Come on out, honey.

SOUND    SLOW BARE FOOTSTEPS

SOUND    CHAIR ALMOST TOPPLES AS PRINCE SPRINGS UP

PRINCE    Darling!

CINDY    [vexed] Oh, dear!  Why did you bring him here?

DONNA    Hold on!  Sorry I didn't warn you, Cindy.  Sit down, your highness.

PRINCE    But my darling, don't you want--? I thought we-- we clicked.

PAUL    [musing quietly, gets it] Like they'd known each other for years.  [groan, gets it]  Oh.

DONNA    Shh. 

PRINCE    But you're the only woman I've ever loved.

CINDY    And you're about to despise me.

PRINCE    That could never happen.

CINDY    Yes it can.  [voice lowers to Alexander, then ruefully]  I'm just lucky you're a bit nearsighted, Waldo.

PRINCE    What?  Alexander?

BARBARA    She prefers Cindy when she's all dolled up.

CINDY    [Cindy again] I really do.

PRINCE    But... is it a spell?

CINDY    No.  It's just--

BARBARA    Go on, hon.  There's no going back now.

CINDY    I could probably spin you a grand story about being enchanted, or cursed, but none of it is true.  Unless you count love as some kind of magic.

PRINCE    Love?

CINDY    I never meant it to be more than one night.  One chance to dance... with you.  But you - you just had to [wistful] go all manly and try and find me!  Barbara convinced me it's better to let you know, rather than leave you searching forever.

BARBARA    Trust me, he'd eventually find some clue to who you are.  The higher the hopes, the harder the fall, and all that.

CINDY    Don't worry, I've already - I mean Alexander has already - applied for a quest permit, and I plan to absent myself from court for a decade or so.

PRINCE    I say - I'm the prince here.  Don't I get any say?

CINDY    Yes.  [deep breath, bracing herself] 

BARBARA    [comforting] I'm right here.

DONNA    Me too.

CINDY    Go ahead.

PRINCE    I-- I suppose I never thought about you that way, Alexander.

CINDY    [wilting] Of course.

PRINCE    Until I saw you at the ball.

CINDY    [startled, perking up a bit] Oh?

PRINCE    Perhaps there is some magic.  To love.

CINDY    But you don't want me.  I mean you want this-- the surface-- when underneath, I'm--

PRINCE    My best friend?  What's so wrong?  I've met far too many beautiful girls I can't stand to be near.  You do something to me.

CINDY    [gasps ecstatically]

[their voices fade for a bit]

Scene 28.   

DONNA    I wish it could work for them.

PAUL    Really?  It seems an odd match.  Really odd.

DONNA    What's wrong with an odd match?  Love's all that matters.  Though I do have one concern.  Babs?

BARBARA    [sniffling a bit at the romantic moment]  What?  Yes?  Oh, go on - I'm all verklempt.

DONNA    I get choked up too.  But, what about when they're supposed to--you know-- have kids?

BARBARA    Oh that's a piece of cake.  There's always a baby in a peach pit, or I have this deal with the marsh king.  You'd be surprised how often these kinds of things happen.

PRINCE    [fading back in] But how will it ever work?

PAUL    [clears throat]  May I?

DONNA    What?  Really?

PAUL    I'm not one to stand in the way of true love.  You said Alexander applied for a quest permit - no reason he shouldn't go, disappearing from court, about the same time Prince Charming--

PRINCE    Oh, you can call me Waldo.

PAUL    Thank you, your highness.  [back to the point] At the same time that Waldo meets Alexander's distant cousin Cindy, who sneaked into town to surprise him and ran into the prince instead. 

DONNA    Oh, and, if you can, you should do a little bit of almost being seen together, which will take a little quick change action, but we can help with that, right Barbara?

BARBARA    Quick change is practically my middle name.

PAUL    Alexander can send a letter now and then, eventually rescue a damsel in distress, and settle down in a kingdom far far away. 

PRINCE    There's only one thing left to do!

DONNA    Oh?

PRINCE    I hope you remembered to bring that shoe.  It will have to do until we can get rings...

BARBARA    [choked up] I'll start planning the reception!

Scene 29.   

OLD VOICEOVER MUSIC

PAUL    So, the prince found his true love. 

DONNA    Love's funny that way.

PAUL    And all Alexander's--

DONNA    --Cindy's--

PAUL    --years of devotion paid off.

DONNA    Waldo better appreciate all he's-- she's done.

PAUL    There's just not enough pronouns--

DONNA    --Particularly since some of your friends are definitely "it"s.

PAUL    Hah. Hah.

DONNA    Speaking of those, how was the enchanted beasts reunion?

PAUL    [down] Fine.  Every year there's less of us left - too many with their curses broken, or married with better things to do.

DONNA    [hopeful]  It's in the air.  Love, I mean.

PAUL    [growls, close] Yeah... [backing off] I mean, they make a cute couple...

GOLDY    [exasperated] Oh, shut up and kiss her already.

PAUL & DONNA    What?

GOLDY    You heard me.  Think quick - I'm on double overtime just to be in this voiceover.

CLOSING