Dec 16, 2021
[warning - mature situations, foul language and violence]
An ornery old woman takes on all comers in defense of her family and her freedom - even the Devil and Death!
Maggie - Julie Hoverson
Nursey - Robyn Keyes
Bertha - Rhys TM
Barry - Mr. Synyster
Kev - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary)
Jemma - Gwendolyn-Jensen Woodard (Gypsy Audio)
Morte - Russell Gold
Devil -Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero)
Ted - Russell Gold
Spike - Paul Mannering (Brokensea Audio)
Other Bikers - Brandon O'Brien; Bill Hollweg
Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson
Cover Photo: Elizabeth Flores
(courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)
"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?"
CRUMPING THE DEVIL
OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?
AMBIANCE Hospital, beeps etc.
MAGGIE [talking on phone] I don't give a flying rat's flaming anus how good a job he does! Shall I roll past your garage and post photos of what he did to his wife? Perhaps I should leave a nice big bloodstain on your doorstep with the words wifebeater scrawled on the pavemment - don't think I won't!
MAGGIE [up] Stuff it! [back on phone] Oh, yes! [evil laugh] You come down here and say that to my face - I'll call the press. [delighted laugh] I can just see the rags with you beating up a helpless gran in a wheelchair. Tough guy!
SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN
NURSEY Now, now - phone time's over. Time to say goodbye to all your friends.
MAGGIE Bugger off, stay-puft.
SOUND PHONE GRABBED AND HUNG UP FORCEFULLY
NURSEY Dear, dear - no need to drive up your blood pressure. You need to stay calm, ducks, and get your rest.
SOUND CURTAIN PULLED AROUND BED
MAGGIE I'm ordering prunes! Lots of prunes! Just so you have to clean up the mess when they come out the other end!
NURSEY My, my - but I'm not here all the time.
MAGGIE [snarled] I have your schedule memorized.
BERTHA Mother, you need to be rational about this. This is your fourth hospitalization this year - you've reached a point where you need someone to look after you.
MAGGIE Visiting nurse comes by twice a week.
BERTHA [prompting] Barry!
BARRY What if you... fall?
MAGGIE I have this very special invention. It allows me to magically contact help when I need it.
BARRY Oh, what?
MAGGIE It's called a cellphone, you scrofulous prick. I'll wear it on a lanyard if it'll make you piss off. Now get your sorry arses out of my sickroom.
PATIENT Go away.
MAGGIE See? Even that bastard hates you.
BERTHA No mother, we're not leaving until we get this settled.
BARRY There is a button--
MAGGIE Fuck off - this annoys her more. Nurse!
SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN SLOWLY
KEV H'lo Gran. [reluctant] Mum. [distasteful] Barry.
MAGGIE Who the bloody buggery hell are you supposed to be?
BERTHA Oh, heavens, her memory is going!
MAGGIE Don't get your hopes up, arse-face. Are you trying to tell me the fruit of your sweaty loins--
MAGGIE --has taken to running about dressed as sir poncy de leon?
KEV I'm Hamlet.
MAGGIE [laughing wickedly] Go on! You? You can't memorize the balance of your overdraft! Come on then, soliloquize us!
KEV [chuckles] It's a sales promotion for a mattress shop. To sleep or not to sleep, all that bollocks.
BERTHA [muttered] I just don't know where he gets this language from.
MAGGIE Oh, god - if you're truly that fucking dense, I wish I was your father so at least I'd have some slight glimmer of hope that you weren't mine!
SOUND DOOR OPENS, NURSEY FEET ENTER
NURSEY Come, come - let's keep it all nice and civil, there are other people in this hospital, you know.
MAGGIE Well, there must be people somewhere, but there's a couple of wankers in here. Bugger off, knot-knickers.
BERTHA [gasp, then affronted noises as she leaves]
SOUND FEET STORM OUT
NURSEY Dear, dear. Poor old Maggie's being deserted.
MAGGIE Your turn, then isn't it, blancmange? Shuffle off and fetch something, would you? ...Like a stick?
NURSEY Tsk Tsk. You really need to--
MAGGIE You, hey you in the tights. You stay. [beat] Gotta catflap in those bonbon knickers?
KEV No, gran.
NURSEY [psst, then confidential] Young man, you haven’t brought her any alcohol have you?
KEV No - no! What sort of grandson would that make me? No bottle on me anywhere, [leering] want to pat me down?
NURSEY [oblivious] No, no! Five minutes, then visiting hours are over.
SOUND HER FEET LEAVE, DOOR SHUTS
MAGGIE [hushed] You did bring me something, didn't you? You are aware I think you're the least worthless of all my pathetic offspring?
SOUND PLASTIC BAG OUT OF POCKET
KEV Love you too, gran. I remember how much you complained last time of not being able to find a place to light one up, so I baked you some brownies.
MAGGIE You? Baked?
KEV I'm a sensitive new age type of bloke. I can make a mix.
SOUND OPENING PLASTIC BAG
MAGGIE [sniffs] Nice. You didn't skimp on the "spices."
SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR
NURSEY Time's up!
KEV Stuff em somewhere. Size of that cow, she probably snaps up everyone's sweeties.
MAGGIE I think she just eats patients--
SOUND DOOR OPENS
MAGGIE [louder] --mostly the males.
KEV [wincey noise] Ooh...
MAGGIE [into phone, trying to be quiet] --the Maniac left me a mobile. Have you tracked down Python yet, then? [beat, then getting loud] Sod it! I thought you bastards had better legal these days!
SOUND QUIETLY DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOTSTEPS ENTER
MAGGIE There must be someone there whose tattooes run more than knickers deep! [beat] Fine, I'll call the--
SOUND CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE SUDDENLY
MAGGIE [gasp] Bugger me!
SOUND MUFFLED VOICE AS SHE HIDES THE PHONE, BEEPING, TRYING TO TURN IT OFF
MORTE Madame? I believe you are expecting me.
MAGGIE Riiight. Middle of the night, hospital room. Must be the stripper. Where's your music?
MORTE [startled] Um, no, I--
MAGGIE Well, you can't be a doctor - they've all gone home. We're in the hands of the sadists and the diapers.
MORTE The what?
MAGGIE Nurses and interns. Look, It's late and I'm a bit too knackered to abuse you properly, so tell me who you bleeding think you are so you can sod off!
MORTE [trying to get his spooky back on] I'm... death.
MAGGIE Pull the other one - it spits.
MORTE No, really. I'm... death.
MAGGIE Always thought you'd be Welsh. So what are you doing swotting around here? I'm not dead. The infernal pinging thing says so.
MORTE But you are old [spooky] ...and dying.
MAGGIE [getting mad] So they keep fucking telling me, but I've never been one for following orders. If you're really the angel of death, why are you wearing such a for-fucks-sake ugly suit? And where's your bleeding scythe? Can't be death without a jolly great scythe, can you, now?
MORTE Oh, please - this is the 21st century.
MAGGIE First piece of sense to come out of your festering gob, you git. Now bugger off - I'm knackered, but I'm not ready for the tip yet.
MORTE You will see me again tomorrow.
MAGGIE Tell you what - you come back during visiting hours and I'll get my bastard son-in-law to drop in. All I have to do is wave money anywhere within ten kilometers of my Jemma and that bastard appears like bleeding magic.
MORTE But I--
MAGGIE Him you can take, with all my heartfelts. If you're not going to make yourself useful, though, you can piss off and stay there.
SOUND FISHES OUT THE PHONE AND DIALS
MORTE [affronted, huffy] You're not supposed to have a mobile in the hospital.
MAGGIE Fuck off. [into phone] Spike?
MORTE You have a friend named Spike?
MAGGIE [into phone] No, that's not a cop - just some prat trying to sell me life insurance. Are you Spike?
MORTE You're really going to just ignore me?
MAGGIE Hold on. [hand over phone] Sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging like that. You're right, I should finish with you before making my calls. So if you would kindly FUCK OFF? Good. [back to phone] God, these bleeding salesmen. They're like some damn pet pekingese - no balls but still won't stop humping once they get a grip on your leg.
MORTE Well, I- I-I- never!
MAGGIE Spike? Great - what would it take to get some help with a problem?
SOUND MORTE'S FEET STORM OUT, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.
MAGGIE Nice! Hold that thought, and I'll ring you back tomorrow - that twat's just gone to grass on me to the warden.
AMB HOSPITAL ROOM - NOT SO URGENT. NO PINGING THING.
SOUND TAP ON DOOR, THEN DOOR OPENS WITHOUT WAITING
SOUND WHEELCHAIR BEING PUSHED IN
JEMMA [weak, hopeful] Hello? [down] Mum.
MAGGIE [trying to be calm and quiet] Jemma.
NURSEY Here we all are then.
SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT
NURSEY Ready for a nice litle family chat.
MAGGIE Just ignore her. [deep breath] They say you're going home soon.
JEMMA I'm all right. [she's not]
MAGGIE I'll see to it, someone drops around and keeps an eye on you.
JEMMA I'll be careful. [not very convincing] Won't walk into any more... doors.
MAGGIE [getting a bit annoyed] Won't walk into any more fists, more like.
JEMMA [upset, "not in front of the nurse"] Mum!
MAGGIE She's heard worse. Haven't you, snowball?
NURSEY [affirming, acerbic] From you alone.
MAGGIE [snort of laughter, then serious] So, when can I kill him?
MAGGIE That cocksucker husband of yours.
MAGGIE You can't say you don't want him dead. Bertha keeps pissing on and on about my hospital record - you're leagues ahead of me. Between the times he's knocked you up and the times he's knocked you down, it's amazing they don't just name a suite for you and give you your own key.
JEMMA [crying] He doesn't mean to--
MAGGIE [losing it] Doesn't mean to! What, he was cleaning his swotting great fist and it went off!? Or the other part - dearie, you get preggers every time that arsehole even wanks in your direction. You'd be much better off without him.
JEMMA He loves me.
MAGGIE Oh, god - we are not having this discussion again.
JEMMA And we have eight children to look after - nine, soon.
MAGGIE [softer again] It's all right then?
JEMMA [barely able to talk] Yes.
MAGGIE Jems, that son of a syphilitic whore punched you - punched a pregnant woman, let alone a pregnant woman he claims to care for - in the bloody stomach.
JEMMA [breaks into tears]
NURSEY Oh, look at the time. Come along Maggie, musn't be late on your pills!
MAGGIE [yelling as they leave] Get it through your sodding thick skull - He DID MEAN IT!
SOUND NIGHT, PINGING, ETC.
SOUND MAGGIE MUNCHING ON SOMETHING
SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOSTEPS (two sets)
SOUND PLASTIC BAG RATTLES AS IT'S HIDDEN
MAGGIE [sucking stuff out of her teeth] Who's there?
SOUND CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE
MAGGIE [disgusted noise] Oh, it's just you. Piss off.
MORTE I told you I would return.
MAGGIE And take my soul blah blah blah. I have you sussed, you wanker.
MORTE Sussed? I already told you - I'm death.
MAGGIE Right. And I have a daughter who would like nothing more than to have her dear old mum babbling on about meeting death in the flesh - all so she can have me declared non compos and shoved away in some shithole of a home while she sends all my odds and sods to auction "on my behalf". Piss off, and tell her she can piss off too.
SATAN [explosive laugh]
MORTE See? I told you.
MAGGIE Told me what? You're not making sense, the curtain is laughing like a drain, and I'm not that stoned.
SOUND CURTAIN OPENS FURTHER WITH A DRAMATIC SWEEP
MORTE She surely is the most frightful woman I've seen in years.
SATAN I like it.
MAGGIE And who are you supposed to be? Revival of the Rocky Horror show?
SATAN [laughs harder]
MORTE He's the devil.
MAGGIE Well I knew he wasn't a doctor - not dressed like that. [sigh]
SATAN [laughing subsides]
MAGGIE Are you done? I wouldn’t want to waste a good insult on you when you can't hear it properly.
SATAN [chuckles, but stops himself] Go on.
MAGGIE Dressed like that, you look like Sir Elton John vomited all over you.
MAGGIE And I suspect that'd be rare, since he's probably got a strong gag reflex.
SATAN [a moment, then a gasp as he gets it, then uproarious laughter]
MAGGIE Told you it was a good one. [joins in]
MORTE I don't get it.
MAGGIE Oh, god. You need to loosen the fuck up. [evil chuckle] Here. Have a brownie.
MORTE A brownie? Ooh. Chocolate is my weakness.
SOUND RATTLE OF PLASTIC
MAGGIE Death and chocolate - imagine that. How about you, Gary Glitter?
SATAN Well, if you're offering.
[They munch for a minute]
MORTE Interesting [licks his lips, speculatively] ...aftertaste.
MAGGIE Old family recipe. The maniac bakes them for me. Don't tell the nurse - she's already thirteen stone.
MORTE [snorts] Oh goodness!
SATAN [giggles uncontrollably]
SOUND CELL PHONE RINGS
MAGGIE Scuse me for a minute, will you?
[they murmur assent]
SOUND PHONE ACTIVATED
MAGGIE Yeah? Is this Spike? Then who the bloody hell-- [pleased] Really?
MORTE [confiding, but loopy] Shouldn't have mobile in hospital.
SATAN Might call for help?
[they both laugh]
MAGGIE You up for it, then? More the merrier, I always say. [beat] Oh, dead may be overkill, but I wouldn't shed any tears. Mostly I'd prefer him unable to fuck, or walk for at least a year - no, never again on the first - can you manage that?
SATAN [awed] What? Did I hear you--?
MAGGIE Shut it. [on phone] Candy striper. You know, one of those new homosexual ones. [back on topic] So, you can handle it?
SATAN I'll have you know--
MAGGIE [covers phone] Everyone knows you swing both ways - the devil can fuck with anyone.
SATAN Well [trying not to laugh], if you put it that way [bursts into hilarity again]
MAGGIE Great - when? [upset] Weekend? Not sooner? They'll be sending her home tomorrow!
MORTE I thought you were talking about a man? Who you don't want to be able to--
MAGGIE Fine. [annoyed] I'll try and get out of here too, then shall I? No I bloody well can't talk them into letting her stay--
MORTE --to [uncomfortable] "do it"--
SATAN Just say "fuck."
MORTE [affronted] No.
SATAN Come on, I dare you.
MAGGIE Shut up or piss off. I'm almost finished. [into phone] Saturday night, then? Call me Thursday, same time, and I'll say where. Brilliant.
SOUND PHONE OFF
MORTE So is it?
MAGGIE Is it what, arse-face?
MORTE Is it a man or a woman?
SATAN He means who are you talking on the phone about?
MAGGIE I've got some friends of a--
MORTE --questionable moral character?
MAGGIE Well, they do call themselves the Bastards of Carnage, so that might be a clue - Anyway, I've arranged will ... have a chat with ... my daughter's oozing sore of a so-called husband.
MORTE And you don't want him to be able to--
MAGGIE And they won't be as kind as a vetrinarian.
SATAN Well! [lip smacking noises] Have you any more of those brownies?
AMB MAGGIE'S ROOM
KEV I hear they're letting you go?
MAGGIE They have to get sick of me eventually.
KEV Are you doing all right? Really?
MAGGIE Healthy as a horse. [sighs] One of those swayback cartoon nags with glue factory stamped on them. You know what your evil bitch of a mother is trying to do to me?
KEV Would it be so bad?
MAGGIE Et tu, wanker?
KEV No! I'm really just curious.
MAGGIE Well, quite apart from the horrors of loss of control over your life, the fact that they will likely frown on my extensive collection of filthy artwork, and having to obey people whose nappies I might have changed, it's the piss.
MAGGIE At your age, piss is still romantic. Getting yourself well and truly pissed, pissing in the snow, nasty piss-scented alleys where you buy happy little packages - piss hasn't lost its shine.
MAGGIE By the time you get old, piss is the thing you fear the most. Your own, someone else's - fuck death, fuck the devil, if there was a sodding god of piss we'd all be sacrificing virgin sheep to him just to make him stay the fuck away. That's what those places are, Kev. [solemn] They are where piss goes to die. The smell, the damp, the feel in the air. As long as I can still hold my water and get myself in and out of the bogatory, it's my bleeding right to look after myself.
KEV [serious] All right.
MAGGIE [fierce again] Next time you feel yourself getting curious, darling beast, just swot on down to the crystal lights retirement complex - you don't even have to go inside, just stand downwind and have a good long whiff.
AMB NIGHTTIME AGAIN
MAGGIE [anxious sigh, then fretting] What is the bloody holdup? I said--
SOUND PHONE BUZZES, TURNED ON
MAGGIE Finally! Took your goddamn time, didn't you? [beat] So Jemma phoned you - God, how I spewed forth such a spineless cow, I've no idea. [beat, then disgusted] Oh, right, the bloody money - that's the only thing you give a shit about, isn't it?
MAGGIE Don't bother, you mealy mouthed two faced prick! I know just how much you care for your wife - I've seen the sodding medical charts. [beat] Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah Blah. Course you have a problem - you're still fucking breathing. I am planning on fixing that, you know. [beat] [chuckles nastily] Wouldn’t you like to know? I'll tell you when, though - give you something to stew about, you arsehole - Saturday night. You'd best watch your step, cause you may not realize it, but I have friends in low, low places, and they just love an excuse to beat some bastard to holy fuck and back! [beat] What do you mean, how are they going to find you? They're probably already watching you. Run if you want, but unless you find some way to get me first, they will get you.
SOUND PHONE SHUT OFF
SATAN Was that really a good idea?
SOUND QUIET FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
MAGGIE What, impressed?
SATAN Yes and no. I like your intensity, but you shouldn't have warned him.
MAGGIE Betcha I know what I'm doing.
SATAN [seriously] Let me think about it.
MAGGIE So, what's the pitch tonight? And where's the undertaker?
SATAN He's a very busy entity. He's already wasted rather a lot of time trying to impress you.
MAGGIE Why impress me - isn't he fucking all-powerful death? Doesn't he just whisk people off and bobs your uncle, you're hip deep in the bleeding river styx?
SATAN Styx? Well, I'm impressed--
MAGGIE [dismissively] Beer mat trivia. So it's just you and me tonight, is it? Pity - I haven't had a really good threesome since 1968.
MAGGIE Right, laughing boy. Either you dropped in for more of the maniac's brownies, or you want something from me, and I don't fancy myself so fucking entertaining that I'd drag you away from the torture telly.
MAGGIE Bleeding heart chat shows and those so-called game shows where people swallow foul things that haven't even taken them to dinner and a picture first.
SATAN [sigh] Bloody hell - it's getting so hard to frighten people these days. You say you'll stick a red-hot poker up the bum and half say "been there, done that".
MAGGIE Well, I've been and done around in my time. Are you planning to try and scare the crap out of me?
SATAN Really, I just follow Morty around, since once he lets on he's coming for someone, it's usually a piece of piss to get them to agree to sell their soul...
MAGGIE [bark of laughter] A bit like when a bloody great hurricane hits and all the bastard insurance salesmen clean up selling storm coverage?
SATAN A bit. So. You selling?
MAGGIE Blunt, aren't you?
SATAN I feel we've gone a bit beyond a sales pitch here.
MAGGIE So? I sell my soul and you - what? Give me my greatest wish? I assume immortality is only on the high shelf - the one you can't ever knock down enough sodding bottles to win.
SATAN What do you want?
MAGGIE [thinks, then] No. Two reasons. First, I still believe you're some starving artist Bertha paid to come round and chat me up. Second, I might have a mouth like a public urinal, but I still read my classics. Monkey's Paw? Nothing good ever comes from a bad deal.
SATAN It's not my fault if people don't take time to read the small print.
MAGGIE You ponder enough, there's always a way to bugger the customer. If nothing else - just send the damn thing round unassembled, with instructions in fucking Parsi.
SATAN [laughing again] I do like you.
MAGGIE Can’t say you're the worst bastard I've had to deal with in my whole sodding life.
SATAN Tell you what - just to prove that I am what I claim to be, how about a freebie?
MAGGIE I draw the line at giving up my favors for anything less than a fiver.
SATAN [chuckling] No, I mean I'll do something for you. No strings. Cross my heart.
MAGGIE You're not planning to bugger me on this?
SATAN What would it get me, until I get a signature on the dotted line? It can't be anything huge - I'll not cure cancer or feed the world's hungry--
MAGGIE Sod the hungry. Too many bloody people clogging up the sewer we call the world anyway.
SATAN --or make you healthy.
MAGGIE [grim] Yeah, right.
SATAN Something short term and simple.
MAGGIE I got it. And if you do it, I promise to take under consideration that you might actually be the bleeding king of the underworld. Right?
SATAN Ask and it shall be done.
MAGGIE Right. Now you have to wait until I say "done" before you go swotting off and do this - I want every bloody condition met.
SATAN [very serious] Very well.
MAGGIE With no harm to either of them, in the immediate or long term, I want something to happen that will keep Jemma in hospital until Sunday. Can you do me that? Suspicious skin condition, something - and this is the part that if you fuck me I will find a way to rip your bollocks off - it has to be something that won't hurt the baby. Right, uh... [thinking, then] Fuck. Done.
SATAN [dead serious] I see. Agreed. [beat, then a bit hesitant] You wouldn't happen to have any of those brownies, would you?
SOUND WHEELING DOWN A HOSPITAL HALL
NURSEY Doctor says you're just about well enough to leave.
MAGGIE [snarl] Lovely.
NURSEY Probably tomorrow - just in time for the weekend.
MAGGIE [snarl] Can't think of anything that would brighten my day more.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
BERTHA Oh! Here she is.
MAGGIE Oh, bollocks, who decided to shit all over my parade?
MAGGIE Technically. Can you at least keep your festering gob shut until this pelican gets me settled? It's humiliating enough to be jumbled around like someone's sodding laundry, but to have an audience is just the bloody capper.
BERTHA Mother, this is too important to wait.
MAGGIE Fine. Talk.
BERTHA I brought you the brochures--
MAGGIE [somewhat muffled] Talk over. Fuck off.
BERTHA Mother! You must admit you need care. You can't--
MAGGIE I can! You'll never get an agreement from me to being stuck in your fucking P-O-W camp, and if you even think about trying to prove me incompetent, I will change my will and put Jemma in charge.
BERTHA [indignant] Jemma! She doesn’t --- She has too many... children... to look after!
MAGGIE [smug] And a bastard husband who will go through the bulk of my money in a week or two, slick as snot.
BERTHA Besides, Jemma's going to be a bit longer here herself. Some weird rash has cropped up that they want to keep for observation.
MAGGIE [at a loss] Really? [swallows, then her beligerance returns] Devil only knows how that happened. Right. Now, I'm tired and you need to PISS OFF.
BERTHA This is not over!
SOUND FEET STORM OUT, DOOR SLAMS
NURSEY And what's wrong with a little care?
MAGGIE All right, you pouffy bastard - come out.
SATAN [tsks] Names?
MAGGIE Endearments, darling beast. So what did you do to my idiot daughter?
SATAN You asked for a skin disease - I gave you one. Shouldn’t even be much scarring.
MAGGIE Scars she's used to. I'll send her a bloody great tub of aloe vera. Or will it to her. I meant to ask, when can I expect another visit from lord stick up his bum?
SATAN Death? About a week. Maybe less.
MAGGIE And then--?
SATAN [final, agreeing] And then. You ready to sign on?
MAGGIE I'll read the bloody fine print first.
SATAN [chuckling, evilly] You may not have time - there's a helluva lot of fine print.
MAGGIE [chukles evilly back] Hand it over.
SOUND HUGE SHEAF OF PAPER HITS THE TABLE WITH A THUD
MAGGIE Bugger me!
SATAN There may be an easier way.
MAGGIE Than buggering me? What's that, then?
SATAN A bet.
MAGGIE A bet?
SATAN You suggested it yourself last night. I asked if you know what you're doing, and you--
MAGGIE [considering, then quietly] I spoke very loosely.
SATAN The devil is in the details. [laughs]
MAGGIE How do I prove I won, and what do I get?
SATAN What you get - hmm - I'll get Morty off your back, for, say, ten years?
MAGGIE Is that all?
SATAN Who do you think I am, bloody Oprah?
MAGGIE That has to come with two things--
SATAN I said--
MAGGIE I have to be in at least as good health as I am now the entire time - no fucking coma for ten years - and abso-fucking-lutely no bloody nursing home. I'll live on the kerb before I'll--
MAGGIE And if I lose?
SATAN I get your soul - immediately.
MAGGIE So the bet is I know what I'm doing - how do I prove I won?
SATAN What are you trying to accomplish?
MAGGIE Oh, no - I'm not giving you any chance to play silly beggars with my plans. Suffice to say that after Saturday night I will still be the one smiling?
SATAN Hmm - give me a few more of those brownies and you have a deal.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, WHEELCHAIR ENTERS
JEMMA [weak, but better than before] Yes?
MAGGIE They say you're to stay here a few more days.
JEMMA It's this bloody rash. [itching noise]
NURSEY Now now, you know you're not supposed to--
MAGGIE [weary] Bugger off Moby Dick. Jems, I'm going home now, they say, and - uh - this weekend should be bloody interesting.
JEMMA [dull] Of course, mum. You have someone to look in on you? Bertha?
MAGGIE Only if I want to sign my away my soul. [laughs uncomfortably] Nah, I've talked Kev into roughing it with me for the weekend.
JEMMA [a bit disbelieving] Oh. Yeah. Good.
KEV [muffled, nervous, on the phone] Of course this is her bloody mobile! She's asleep. [beat] Fuck no, I won't! You can haul your own bleeding carcass in here and do your own dirty work. [beat, sarcastic] Ri-i-ight. No, you don't understand - I'm rather fond of the old bag-- [beat] Well, yeah, there is a toady element to it, but we get on, gran and me. I'd just as soon have her around a while longer. [beat] Ain't impossible, innit? She is meeting her solicitor next-- [beat] Oh, you didn't know that yet, did you? [beat, then cowed] Y‑yeah, I know-- No! No, don't go to the cops. I'll-- [beaten] I'll leave latch up, then, shall I?
MUSIC [very ominous]
SOUND DOOR OPENS VERY CAREFULLY. SOUND OF GENTLE WHEEZY BREATHING. SLOW CREAKING FOOTFALLS.
TED [muttering] Stupid bloody old cow. Have my guts for garters will she? Hah!
SOUND CREEPING GETS CLOSER TO THE BREATHING.
TED Once we've got your fucking money, you old bitch, Jemma'n me'll be just bloody fine.
SOUND LIGHT SWITCH TURNED ON
MAGGIE [casual, off in a corner] Oh, right. Tickety-bloody-boo.
TED [whirling] You insane bitch! [unsure] Wait! If you're over there in the shadows, then who's in the sodding bed?
SOUND BEDCLOTHES FLUNG BACK
KEV [flamey] 'elo, luv!
TED What kind of bloody game are you playing?
MAGGIE Hmm. Red Rover. Red Rover, red rover, send the donkey's scrotum over.
TED Two to one? The mummy and the weasel. I can take the both of you! [yells and runs at her]
SOUND RUNNING FEET, BROUGHT TO A SUDDEN HALT
SOUND BODY DROP
SPIKE [chuckles nastily] No, me old son, I think you've got that ass-backwards. Hasn't he, lads?
SOUND DOORS OPEN, SEVERAL SETS OF HEAVY FEET ENTER
BIKERS [agreeing noises, laughs.]
SOUND SLAP OF FIST INTO HAND, CHAIN RATTLES
KEV You mind, gran? Not my thing.
MAGGIE [kindly] Nah, go ahead, you ponce. I'll be right here. Better than a jolly great football riot.
KEV [off] Yeah, but guess who gets to hose out your kip?
SOUND FEET SCUTTLE OUT OF ROOM
TED [panicking] Someone'll hear!
MAGGIE Not bloody likely. I made dead cert of that. Amazing what free dinner coupons will do to get people to vacate for the night. Course, police'll chalk them up to the same burglars who broke in here - luckily Kev and I stopped in for dinner with Bertha.
KEV [yelling from off] We had a sodding flat on the way.
MAGGIE [threatening] Doesn't that just take the biscuit? Now Ted. If you take this like a good little mountain of elephant dung, quietly and repentant-like, they might leave you alive.
SOUND PUNCHING COMMENCES, associated noises from the bikers
TED [grunts] Hey! Why--?
MAGGIE [incensed] Why? Hold up. [starting low, and mounting] Three broken wrists - that's why. A cracked fucking pelvis - that's why. A broken collarbone - that's why! Thirty-bloody-seven sodding black eyes, and that's only the ones I counted myself - that's why! Punching your fucking pregnant wife in her stomach [ragged breath, then almost a whisper] That. Is why.
SOUND PUNCHING COMMENCES AGAIN, associated noises from the bikers
SOUND HOSPITAL HALLWAY, ANNOUNCEMENTS, WHEELCHAIR APPROACHES
NURSEY [distasteful, but trying to hide it] Oh, goodness, are you back?
MAGGIE No fear, yeti. We're just visiting, aren't we?
KEV Right. We're family.
NURSEY That's lovely. Well, just a minute then. He's not really up to much. Poor fellow.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, PINGING MACHINES INSIDE
MAGGIE I know. [pouring on the melodrama] Apparently he was coming by to bring some flowers - since I'd just got out of hospital - and surprised some burglars or something. [sounding almost teary] But for the grace of the almighty, that could have been us - couldn't it, Kev?
KEV Worth every bite of mum's pork au poivre.
MAGGIE [sharp] Shh. [teary] Tragic.
NURSEY [softening] See, I knew you had it in you.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
MAGGIE If only she had it in her more often, she wouldn't be such a tight-ass knicker-twisting sodding git.
TED [muffled by tubes and such] uh?
MAGGIE Good night. What a mess.
TED [alarmed] uh!
MAGGIE Don't call reinforcemants just yet - we're merely here to deliver a message.
TED [shuddering] um?
MAGGIE It boils down to this, my evil bastard sonofabitch in law. Quite apart from being ready to kill you should anything untoward happen to either of us here, my friends plan to visit anything you do to Jemma upon you. And I do mean anything. If you get anywhere near her, even with a freindly weapon, you better be ready to take every single bleeding stroke you give.
SOUND WHEELCHAIR ROLLS AWAY
MAGGIE I'll send round some vaseline.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
SOUND TELLY ON LOW, MAGGIE TAPPING FURIOUSLY AWAY ON COMPUTER
MAGGIE Bastards! Fucking evil empire bastards! They just wait until I'm in hospital, and change the rates on me again!
SATAN [clears throat]
MAGGIE One minute - I have to update my sodding bid structure. Again.
MAGGIE Business. And... there. Good for now.
SATAN Well, um. [a bit cowed] The bet.
MAGGIE You have to admit, I got my bloody way.
SATAN Yes. Very well too.
MAGGIE So I win, do I?
SATAN Oh... yes. You're very impressive. I'd almost offer you a job myself.
MAGGIE Come back in ten years, [fondly] you ponce. So what, do we shake on it or somesuch?
SATAN Frankly, I'm rather fond of my fingers.
MAGGIE [laughs] You have my oath I won't bite... This time.
SATAN Right, then.
SOUND HESITATE, THEN A HANDSHAKE
MAGGIE Go on then. I'm far too bloody busy to be swotting around all day with the likes of you.
SOUND TAPS A FEW KEYS
MAGGIE [to computer] What does that wanker bloody mean he forgot to pay me? [aside] There's some brownies there. Drop round any time. [back to computer, then fading out] Dammit! Dammit it all to bloody buggery arse-face fucking donkey scrotum hell!!!
OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...