Jul 21, 2022
In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world".
Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson
Cast List
Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson
Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson
Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman {Tales of the
Extraordinary}
Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth
Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell
Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero)
Hank - Mark Olson
Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble
Mr. Baker - Paul Green {Encyclopedia of Weird
Westerns}
Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen
Cover Design: Brett
Coulstock
[Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com]
Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom
Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain
recording found on archive.org
Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson
-------
No gunshots herald his approach.
No trademark left behind him when he leaves.
The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by -
as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.
Some say he rides alone.
That's the Deadeye Kid.
****************************************************************
Haunting Melody
Cast:
[opening credits/Olivia]
LEMuel Roberts - Spyder
Clarence FANSHAW - julie
Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman
Mr. CARTLAND -
Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth
MELODY Heath -
RED -
HANK -
CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble
Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene
OPENER
OLD HOSS No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid.
CLOSER
OLD HOSS The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder. Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.
MUSIC
SOUND BUCKBOARD, HORSES
FANSHAW [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort.
LEM Not much further now.
SULLIVAN Excellent. I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here.
LEM Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts--
SULLIVAN I've never been much of a horseman. And this is a fairish wagon.
FANSHAW Garish, rather.
LEM Well, I reckon it was cheap.
SULLIVAN Oh, yes. They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate.
FANSHAW Ah, rented. That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side.
SULLIVAN I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while. Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage. Everyone benefits.
FANSHAW Actually, some of these murals are rather good. If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances.
LEM [dubious] I reckon.
FANSHAW [musing] King Lear. Julius Caeser. Romeo and Juliet. [chuckles] They seem to perform a lot of the classics. Shakespeare.
LEM Mmm.
FANSHAW Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage?
LEM Hush.
FANSHAW Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once.
LEM [Annoyed grunt]
FANSHAW Particularly while you cannot argue. As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men.
SULLIVAN Oh, goodness! Look at that!
LEM [eager] Whatsat?
SULLIVAN That's an awfully steep hill up ahead. You think the wagon can manage it?
LEM I reckon so, reverend.
SULLIVAN "Doctor", please. I prefer it as an honorific.
LEM [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"?
SULLIVAN And a man of science as well. I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century!
LEM [dubious] A'right then.
FANSHAW Fervent, isn't he?
SULLIVAN Sorry. I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely.
LEM Oh?
SULLIVAN [defiant] I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts.
LEM [choking back a cough] OH.
FANSHAW Oh, dear.
MUSIC
MELODY [off] [wailing, hysterics]
SOUND DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP
CARTLAND Don't that girl ever shut up?
EMMA Bart! She swears she's being tormented.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
CARTLAND Hysteria. You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think.
EMMA What do you want me to do? Lock her in a madhouse? She's my own flesh and blood!
CARTLAND Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way. Nothing more.
EMMA But what if it is something more?
CARTLAND I got that well in hand.
EMMA What? How?
CARTLAND Don't go questioning me, woman. Where's my grub?
MUSIC
SULLIVAN [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts?
FANSHAW [short bark of a laugh]
LEM [dry] I reckon I do.
SULLIVAN Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so. Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it.
LEM Solomon. Izzat the king fellow?
FANSHAW Famous for his wise judgment. And not cutting up the baby.
SULLIVAN Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present.
LEM Ain't this more of a church question?
SULLIVAN What do you mean?
LEM Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven?
SULLIVAN I don't believe every soul lingers. Have you ever heard of Purgatory?
FANSHAW Oh, goodness.
LEM Ain't that a town in Nevada territory?
SULLIVAN In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged.
FANSHAW Which bible, precisely?
LEM Guess I never got that far in bible learnin.
SULLIVAN It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"--
LEM [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890]
FANSHAW [grim] Ask him which bible.
SULLIVAN [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us.
FANSHAW Balderdash! Utter rubbish!
LEM Looky there! That should be the ranch now!
MUSIC
MELODY [heavy breathing, end of crying jag]
SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS
EMMA Melody? Are you feeling a little better?
MELODY [sullen] I been bit.
EMMA Bit? By what? A rat?
MELODY Come and look.
EMMA I'll fetch a lantern.
MELODY No!
EMMA Or open the shutters?
MELODY No!! They don't like the light! I kin only open them at night.
EMMA [very upset] oh. What can I do to help?
MELODY [disheartened] Nothing.
EMMA Are you hungry? There's some good stew.
MELODY I can't. I just can't.
EMMA Here, show me that bite.
MUSIC
LEM [quiet] What's gnawing on you?
FANSHAW I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives.
LEM Mm?
FANSHAW He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense. And purgatory! I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway. Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.
LEM How'd they know if they got out?
FANSHAW I believe the priests would tell them. It always smacked of extortion to me.
LEM [laughs] Well. How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now?
FANSHAW What?
LEM Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats?
FANSHAW [sigh] No.
LEM Good. That's cleared up, then. Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.
MUSIC
EMMA We need to send Melody somewhere. If only you had let her marry--
CARTLAND She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind.
EMMA I know, but if she was away--
CARTLAND Dammit woman. You are my wife, and I will not be argued with.
EMMA Of course. [beat] Something bit her.
CARTLAND Bit? Like a snake?
EMMA The marks....um... they looked--
CARTLAND Oh, just spit it out.
EMMA They looked like they were made by a man!
MUSIC
SOUND THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC.
SULLIVAN Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way. I'm not much of an outdoorsman. Or horseman.
FANSHAW Nor much of a cleric, apparently.
LEM Right happy to help. Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place? [chuckles] Not to put on a play.
SULLIVAN [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it? But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential.
CARTLAND [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend? Get on in here!
SULLIVAN [dithering] Oh, um I--
LEM I'll look to your horses. You get along.
SULLIVAN Excellent.
FANSHAW I don't like him.
LEM You don' like his views.
FANSHAW They're gibberish!
LEM 'Zat anythin like folderol? [serious] Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside.
FANSHAW [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper.
LEM [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one.
SOUND A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN
SOUND HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING
SOUND GUN COCKS
RED [snarled] The Deadeye Kid.
MUSIC
SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS
CARTLAND --convince her it ain't nothing but temper!
EMMA But the bite!
SULLIVAN A bite?
EMMA She looks like she was bit, bad.
CARTLAND There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her.
SULLIVAN It isn't unheard of.
FANSHAW A bite?
CARTLAND [suspicious] Really?
EMMA See!
SULLIVAN Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways.
FANSHAW [suspicious] Oh. Do tell?
CARTLAND There's a simple answer for this. She bit her own damn self. She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl.
EMMA Never! Our father wouldn't--
CARTLAND He shoulda! If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in.
SULLIVAN Sir! I am well respected in--
CARTLAND [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.
EMMA But if it is something else?
FANSHAW What do you think it may be, I wonder?
CARTLAND Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco. Which way do you prefer? She's your flesh and blood.
SOUND BEHIND DOOR - CRASH
MELODY [screams]
[BREAK]
MUSIC
RED What the hell are you doing here?
LEM Do I... know you?
RED Mebbe not, but I know you. You're the Deadeye Kid.
LEM [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about?
RED What in tarnation is wrong with you?
LEM Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind.
RED I'us there in Carson City. Five years ago. Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval.
LEM [after a pause] And?
RED Saw how fast y'are. Hmph. Used to be.
LEM Mmm?
RED [offended] You din't even see me comin.
LEM My mind was took up with sumpin else.
SOUND HAMMER EASES BACK
RED You should vamoose. This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge.
LEM You might wanna back off a piece.
RED Whyzzat? Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old?
LEM My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.
RED You - what? [looking down, gasps]
LEM Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now.
SOUND BACKS OFF
SOUND HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK
LEM You look like a man that might could use a drink.
MUSIC
SOUND HORSES, BARN
SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS
FANSHAW I say, Lem? Are you alone?
LEM Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses.
FANSHAW What do you really think of this fellow?
LEM From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor.
FANSHAW Ye-ess.
LEM I figger he's harmless. Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about.
FANSHAW Right. [beat] Do you ever wonder?
LEM I wonder alla time. Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about?
FANSHAW About this. About spirits. About good and evil.
LEM Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.
FANSHAW You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked?
LEM You havin a crisis of faith? I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil.
FANSHAW I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.
LEM [teasing] So you think you're better than e'rbody else.
FANSHAW No. I don't know.
LEM What brought all this on?
FANSHAW From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort.
LEM And?
FANSHAW And? And what?
LEM Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be. Don't make no nevermind to no one but me.
FANSHAW I mean an evil spirit with ... powers.
LEM [sure] Ain't no such thing.
FANSHAW Are you so very certain?
MUSIC
SOUND OUTSIDE, WALKING
LEM I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world.
FANSHAW Neither have I, but what if there is?
LEM We do whatever we gots to.
SOUND FEET APPROACH
RED [coming in] Kid!
LEM [sigh] Just Lem, if'n you please.
RED Oh, drat. Right. You done with them horses?
LEM Tucked up tight. You ast about the job?
FANSHAW Job?
RED Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long. With all that's been a-going on--
LEM What all is it that's been a-goin on?
FANSHAW Evil spirits.
LEM Is it what's been drivin off all your help?
RED Come on, let's getcha some grub. Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to.
MUSIC
SOUND KITCHEN, EATING
SOUND DOOR OPENS
HANK Red.
RED Hank. This is Lem. Come in with the doctor fella.
LEM Hank.
HANK You work for the reverend?
RED He's--
LEM I work fer jest about anyone as needs me. Doctor needed a guide.
RED Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while.
LEM Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful.
HANK Did you tell him what's going on? What cleared us out?
RED Here, have a plate of stew, Lem. I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me.
HANK [uncertain] Oh, I---
RED He actually saw it.
LEM Saw what?
HANK That girl. She's possessed!
LEM Possessed of what?
HANK No! Possessed! Taken over by an evil spirit!
LEM [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things. Ain't no other explanation?
HANK What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night--
LEM What were you doin' out?
HANK [thrown off] What? I was - uh - having a smoke.
LEM She a good-lookin' girl? Apart from whatever travail she's in?
HANK That ain't the point. I was off a ways and saw a light. It din't look natural. So I went closer to see.
LEM How high's this window?
HANK I don't know! Chest-high, I s'pose. But I sawr everything! [yarning] Right from the first, I was froze to the spot. Couldn't look away. In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room--
LEM A bird?
HANK No! A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin!
LEM [mild amazement] Oh!
HANK And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.
LEM Mebbe she dropped sumpin.
HANK But it weren't natural! You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right.
LEM I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy. Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life.
HANK Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room.
LEM Right.
HANK You ain't a-scared?
LEM I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things. Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh. Yerself?
HANK I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what. One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me.
RED Ain't likely, Hank old hoss. You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one.
MUSIC
CARTLAND It's pure mulishness, is what it is. The girl wanted to marry, and I said no.
SULLIVAN You're surely not her father, though?
CARTLAND Father's passed on. I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family. She gots to understand that.
EMMA I still think--
CARTLAND Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her.
EMMA Our father left us even shares.
FANSHAW Hmm. And that man married yours.
SULLIVAN Ah. I should talk to the girl, now.
MUSIC
HANK Well.
SOUND SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP
HANK That hay won't pitch itself. Care to lend a hand, feller?
LEM Lem. I--
RED I need him yet fer a mite. I'll send him along when we're through.
LEM That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank. Turquoise?
HANK Yup.
LEM And silver. [musing] Mighty fine.
SOUND WALKS OUT DOOR
LEM Why d'you stay, Red?
RED Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus. Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City.
LEM You friends?
RED Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands. But he's fair. Hard, but fair.
LEM Now tell me. [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt?
RED I plumb don't feel it. Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here. You ken?
LEM I reckon.
RED It's like ... play actors. They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real.
LEM Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red. I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help.
RED [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya?
LEM I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days.
MUSIC
SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN
SULLIVAN Young lady?
MELODY [very tired and small sounding] Who's there?
CARTLAND It’s the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been.
EMMA Husband!
CARTLAND Go on then. Tell her.
EMMA I'll open them shutters.
MELODY No!
EMMA Just a crack! It's fair dark in here!
SOUND FEET, SHUTTERS
SULLIVAN Sir! I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace!
CARTLAND I ain't a-stopping you.
SULLIVAN You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself.
EMMA Please!
CARTLAND [somewhat subdued] Go on.
SULLIVAN Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you. What is your chief complaint?
MELODY They never let me sleep!
FANSHAW [far corner] Poor girl does look tired.
CARTLAND Nor us out here! I ain't had a good night through in weeks.
SULLIVAN [sharp] Shh! [calm] They? Who are "they"?
MELODY You won't believe me any more than anyone else does.
CARTLAND Hmph.
SULLIVAN I believe a great many things. Pray, humor me.
MELODY They come at night, and pinch me. Pinch my arms and legs - all over! And one bit me - See here!
CARTLAND You bit your own damn self!
MELODY [whimpers]
SULLIVAN Sir! Would you be kind enough to leave? As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles.
CARTLAND Fine. Come on, woman.
SOUND DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS
EMMA Shouldn't I stay? For decency's sake?
CARTLAND Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet. Whatcha think he might do?
EMMA I suppose.
MELODY I'll call if I need help!
EMMA You do that.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
MUSIC
SOUND MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH
RED From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights.
LEM Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark. What'us the moon like?
RED Middling, round about.
LEM Hmm. And that'ud be the window?
RED Yup. Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking.
LEM [surprised] Oh!
RED What?
LEM Let's fade back a bit. Don't want anyone to spy us.
RED Why? Mm? [sees] Oh!
MUSIC
[BREAK]
AMB OUTDOORS
FANSHAW There you are! I've just witnessed the most appalling--
RED Did we really see what I think we jest saw?
LEM I'm afeared so.
RED That varmint! Taking advantage of a nice--
LEM She din't look "put out" to me. Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me.
FANSHAW [sarcastic] Oh. So you saw it too. How useful am I?
LEM Mighty useful. [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them. Looked like they knowed each other afore this.
RED I guess you could safely say that.
FANSHAW I tactfully took my leave.
SOUND HOOFBEATS APPROACH
RED Who in tarnation? Damn!
LEM What?
RED [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys!
MUSIC
SOUND TAP ON DOOR
EMMA Doctor? Is everything all right in there?
SULLIVAN [within] Yes! Quite.
SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR
SULLIVAN [within] I have all I need for the moment.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
SULLIVAN [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby?
EMMA He had to step out.
SULLIVAN [relieved] Ah.
EMMA I have the guest room ready for you. Your drover can bunk with the men.
SULLIVAN My--? Oh, yes. That fellow. My guide.
SOUND STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR
EMMA Is she... Is she going to be all right, sir?
SULLIVAN I think this will take some time, but yes. I believe she can be saved.
EMMA Saved? You talk like she's ailing!
SULLIVAN [serious] She is. It is an ailment of the soul.
MUSIC
SOUND GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC.
CARTLAND [barely concealed hostility] Wishwell.
WISHWELL Mr. Cartland. I hope you don't mind the intrusion?
CARTLAND What do you want?
WISHWELL We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here. We decided to give him an escort.
BAKER [a bit too much swagger] Yes, yes. Many thanks. You may go ahead and leave.
WISHWELLS MEN [annoyed muttering]
CARTLAND Who the devil are you?
BAKER You sent for me.
WISHWELL He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland. I'm right curious.
BAKER That is between Mr. Cartland and myself. Are you waiting around for a reason? I could--
SOUND COINS RATTLE
WISHWELL [civility slipping] No need, sir! I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation!
CARTLAND Yeah. Explain.
BAKER [exasperated] Very well. I am the ghost expert you sent away for.
MUSIC
AMB OUT BACK
LEM Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat?
FANSHAW You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath?
LEM Biggest rat I seen recently.
RED You think they got somethin "on" between them?
LEM I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to.
RED How'd you hear about that?
FANSHAW Damn!
LEM [calm] I just hear things.
RED Oh. But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.
FANSHAW And the Wishwells just rode in. Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match.
LEM Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells.
RED Right.
FANSHAW I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting.
MUSIC
CARTLAND YOU'RE the expert? Then who the devil we got inside? [yelling over his shoulder] Emma!
BAKER [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism.
WISHWELL [a bit worried] Really? Hmm.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH
EMMA What is it? Oh! Comp'ny!
CARTLAND They ain't compny, they's Wishwells. Get that city slicker out here. We got a bit of a branding problem here.
BAKER Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me?
CARTLAND Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be.
SOUND SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM
BAKER [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation.
RED That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat. He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley.
LEM And if one of his marries that Miss, inside-
RED Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here.
LEM Hmm.
SOUND FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV
WISHWELL You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name?
CARTLAND I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.
BAKER Yes. Precisely. The "friends in passing".
CARTLAND And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister--
SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH
EMMA Here he is.
SULLIVAN You needed me for something?
[FADING BACK TO LEM]
WISHWELL Whatcha gonna do with two of them?
SULLIVAN Two of who?
BAKER Is that the imposter?
EMMA What?
RED It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of!
LEM It's a wonder, sure enough.
FANSHAW They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.
RED You think there's gonna be a fight? Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt. But it might be something to see.
LEM I need a chance to palaver.
FANSHAW This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter.
LEM [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars. Happens all th'time.
SOUND FADING BACK TO CARTLAND
RED Whazzat?
LEM Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here.
FANSHAW Oh, there's the girl!
SOUND BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH
[argument that runs under above]
SULLIVAN I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth!
BAKER That hack cabal? They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition. I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles!
SULLIVAN Hidebound stick-in-the-muds!
BAKER Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken!
SULLIVAN Infants! I'll have you know--
SOUND MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT
MELODY Stop! Please! [scream of terror, some thrashing about]
CARTLAND What the devil?
SULLIVAN Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one.
EMMA Yes!
SOUND SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE
BAKER Stay back! The girl is under attack.
WISHWELL Looks like some kind of fit.
CARTLAND Fit o' temper. Get up, girl!
SOUND FEET ENTER
LEM Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear?
CARTLAND Who the hell are you? Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher.
LEM Something you need to know.
FANSHAW Are you planning to tell him about the assignation? He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her.
LEM I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here.
FANSHAW He threatened to beat her!
CARTLAND I do what I gotta.
FANSHAW Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve--
LEM And I can tell you're purt near your wits end.
CARTLAND zat so?
LEM I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle. I might could have an answer for all this.
CARTLAND [interested] Really?
LEM Yup. It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible.
CARTLAND [disbelieving] Really?
LEM Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?
CARTLAND What you planning?
LEM I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.
CARTLAND Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure?
LEM Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is.
CARTLAND Hmm... [chuckle] Go on, then.
MUSIC
EMMA She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning.
CARTLAND [calmer] If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done? You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right?
EMMA Me? I-- but it's too drastic to be--
CARTLAND I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is.
EMMA Oh. [pacing] Well. It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it. But it can't be easy on her, either. All them hurts she's took.
CARTLAND Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her.
EMMA If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it?
CARTLAND Stick to the question at hand.
EMMA You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something?
CARTLAND With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel?
EMMA Oh.
CARTLAND [almost gentle] I'm waiting.
EMMA I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's--
CARTLAND Yes, yes. We're assuming.
EMMA But what can we do for punishment? Lock her away? I couldn't bear that.
CARTLAND What'choo think about schooling?
EMMA What?
CARTLAND Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch. We'll call it bail.
EMMA It would keep her away from the Wishwells. And it would get her away from--
CARTLAND Us?
EMMA [sigh] Yes.
MUSIC
LEM I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits.
SULLIVAN Really? How ...rustic
BAKER You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk. Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in--
SULLIVAN Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works.
FANSHAW Good gad, they're even worse in harmony.
LEM Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits.
BAKER Oh yes?
FANSHAW Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny. Did you really have one?
LEM O'course. It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe. But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take.
SULLIVAN Dangerous?
LEM O'course. You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person.
SULLIVAN [horrified] KILL?
BAKER That makes a strange sort of sense.
LEM Best ways are violent. You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.
FANSHAW Mention the flagellants in the bible. They used whips to cleanse themselves of--
SULLIVAN But we can't - that-that poor girl!
BAKER I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing.
LEM Oh, I can do it. You two should oughta make sure no one else gets in the way, though.
SULLIVAN But you wouldn't really hurt her?
LEM I s'pose it depends. Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two. Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible.
SULLIVAN [horrified] Oh no! I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman.
LEM Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.
BAKER As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with.
SULLIVAN Let me try something else, first! I might have a way to--
LEM That's right fine. We'll come along and observe your way.
SULLIVAN No! It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy.
LEM Cain't hide from the spirits, though.
FANSHAW I take the hint.
BAKER You should be grateful for the help.
SULLIVAN Leave me alone for a minute! I have to - to pray!
SOUND WALKS OFF FAST
LEM [almost a chuckle]
BAKER What got into him?
FANSHAW I think he truly cares for the girl.
LEM A mighty old spirit indeed.
MUSIC
[BREAK]
EMMA They're gonna hurt her?
CARTLAND They don't think it will come to much. Just enough to scare the spirits out of her.
EMMA Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her!
CARTLAND [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this. [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing.
EMMA [incredulous] Sounds like he--? How can you say that?
CARTLAND [curt] I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.
EMMA You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt. You would have--
CARTLAND [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah. Now get out my way. I'm done talkin!
MUSIC
RED Lem, over here a minute.
LEM [queit] Yeah? [up] Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?
BAKER And that charlatan?
LEM Doctor Sullivan? You let me handle him. Oh, and - sunset. That's the time to deal with ghosts.
BAKER Sunset?
LEM So says my gran.
BAKER Right. I am quite interested to see how this goes.
SOUND BAKER WALKS OFF
LEM Sorry about that.
RED What are you up to?
LEM Takin a tip from the bible. You with me?
RED Spect so.
WISHWELL Could I have a word with you, sir?
LEM [sigh] Spect so.
MUSIC
SOUND TAPPING ON WOOD
[Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard]
SULLIVAN Melody? Melody?
FANSHAW Hmph. Praying indeed. I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn’t do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a razor.
SULLIVAN Please, Mel, honey!
SOUND TEENSY CREAK OPEN
MELODY Wallace? You shouldn't be out there!
FANSHAW Wallace?
SULLIVAN I had to come! Everything's falling apart.
MELODY What do you mean?
SULLIVAN They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you. Maybe bad.
MELODY Emma'd never let them do that!
SULLIVAN There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them. Can't you turn this?
MELODY It's got away from me! What can I do?
SULLIVAN Maybe just say you're cured?
MELODY And then what? That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'? No chance of... us? I'll die first!
SULLIVAN I'll try and come up with something. But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you. Please promise you will!
MELODY [grim] I'll do what I gotta do.
MUSIC
WISHWELL What you fixing to do, sir?
LEM Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment.
WISHWELL You sound like you might have to kill her.
LEM I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife. He's got a nose fer it.
WISHWELL But what exactly are you planning to do?
FANSHAW Don't turn round. Sullivan is lurking.
LEM [sigh] I hate to see anyone in pain. But sometimes, ain't no choice. If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out. I may have to shoot her.
SOUND [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]
LEM [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though. I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die. [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine.
WISHWELL [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this?
LEM I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl.
WISHWELL And what if we all decide to stop you?
LEM I don't see as how it's any of your business.
SOUND GUNS OUT
WISHWELL [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you?
SOUND SHOTGUN COCKS
CARTLAND [off] I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell.
SOUND GUNS UP
WISHWELL [forces laugh] We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland. Have you heard? This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister.
CARTLAND Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.
FANSHAW Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him?
LEM Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland.
FANSHAW Ah.
CARTLAND And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git!
WISHWELL I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.
CARTLAND You do that. Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then. And I figure this way. If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too. Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done.
MUSIC
SOUND TAPPING ON SHUTTER
MELODY Wallace?
FANSHAW [explaining] That's Sullivan.
SOUND TAPPING
LEM [indistinguishable grunt]
MELODY Wallace?
SOUND SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN
MELODY Are you-- [gasp of fear!]
LEM You want to talk to me, girl. And you want to stay quiet.
MELODY My sister is jest in the next room.
LEM I know. And I ain't askin fer nothin improper. Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you.
MELODY Chance? Fer what?
LEM Wallace. You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks?
MELODY We're in love.
LEM You want him more than you want your share of the ranch?
MELODY [teensy hesitation] Yes.
LEM And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer?
MELODY He would.
LEM And his pa out there? Mr. Wishwell?
MELODY [gasp] You know?
LEM I know a lotta things. F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.
MUSIC
FANSHAW So if they're genuinely in love --
LEM I think they are. He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt. Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true.
FANSHAW Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet. Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation.
LEM 'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest?
FANSHAW Well, they both died. So I guess not.
LEM Hmm. Plays.
FANSHAW What are you thinking?
LEM Well... I was playing at solomon. Threatnin the girl to bring out--
FANSHAW [realizing] The real-- Yes! I've got it. Jolly clever.
LEM I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby.
FANSHAW The wrong what?
MUSIC
In house
CARTLAND Can't be long now.
EMMA You won't let him really hurt her, will you?
CARTLAND [gentle] Emma. He promised he wouldn't. We have to convince her he would, though. She gots to believe it.
EMMA Why?
CARTLAND If she's faking, she has to cry off. If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave.
EMMA Oh. I see. Thank you.
CARTLAND [uncomfortable] Right. Just find us one of them schools, woudja?
MUSIC
OUTSIDE
LEM [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here.
BAKER Where is the girl?
LEM She's a coming.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
LEM Speak of the devil.
SOUND SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD
MELODY Please! What are you going to do?
SULLIVAN I protest! I don't think this is safe!
LEM [muttered] We got any other company?
FANSHAW The wishwells never went very far. Just out of sight, then circled back. They're behind the barn.
LEM Good.
FANSHAW Red appears to be in his allotted position. Hank is nowhere to be seen.
LEM Hmph. [up] Get on over here miss.
MELODY I'm scared!
CARTLAND It gots to be done.
EMMA Be strong, Melody.
FANSHAW No arguments? Hmm. I sense a reconciliation in the family.
LEM Harmony ain't no bad thing.
FANSHAW Rather goes with melody, actually.
MELODY What is it you plan to do?
LEM Gon' drive the evil sprits out. Need you to stand right here, miss. Don't move a muscle. You got me?
MELODY Emma! I don't want to do this!
EMMA Melody, there ain't no choice. Not no more.
SULLIVAN I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous.
MELODY Dangerous? Wh-what's a-going to happen?
CARTLAND [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work.
LEM All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please.
SOUND FEET
LEM Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still.
MELODY I'll do my best.
SOUND GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD
MELODY [screams!]
[break?]
EMMA Be careful!
MELODY What did you do that for?
LEM I'm shooting the ghosts. That's why you gotta hold real still.
SOUND GUNSHOT
MELODY [gasp] You nearly hit me!
FANSHAW The wishwells are getting closer.
LEM Good.
SOUND THREE GUNSHOTS
MELODy [scream of pain!]
EMMA What's that? You said you wouldn't hurt her! Is that blood?
LEM That's jest splinters. Stay back.
SOUND TWO GUNSHOTS
MELODY [scream]
SULLIVAN Nooooooooo!
SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO
SOUND GUNSHOT
SULLIVAN [argh! Death rattle]
MELODy [scream, death rattle]
FANSHAW [dry] Two with one shot. Oh my.
EMMA [screaming]
SOUND RUNNING FEET
LEM Mr. Cartland, hold your wife. Mr. Baker?
BAKER [flustered] um, um - yes.
LEM You got any doctoring?
BAKER Yes, yes, of course. I'll check on them.
WISHWELL [coming roaring in] Nooo!
CARTLAND What the devil you doing here, Wishwell?
LEM Stay back, there. Let the doctor do his business.
WISHWELL Wallace! Damn you, you sidewinder! You are a dead man!
SOUND GUNS DRAW
WISHWELL You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland!
CARTLAND If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him.
LEM [Unconcerned] Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves.
CARTLAND What?
WISHWELL You can go to blazes!
LEM If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened.
CARTLAND That's who she wanted to marry? And he's a wishwell?
WISHWELL He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard. Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him. And now all that's ashes.
CARTLAND He ain't a reverend, then?
FANSHAW Goodness, they're a bit slow.
LEM Hush, now! Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids. Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me.
CARTLAND He ain't said they're dead. Doctor?
BAKER [calling] I'm doing what I can.
WISHWELL My son? Is he still with us?
LEM Hold it.
SOUND GUN COCKS
WISHWELL You stay out my way.
SOUND SHOTGUN RACKED
RED I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell.
CARTLAND I'll go and--
RED No, sir. You wait too. With all due respect.
LEM If them kids survive this, you let em marry?
CARTLAND They're too young. She is, anyway.
[don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look]
WISHWELL You just don't wanna lose half the ranch.
CARTLAND I got plans for that half the ranch. I got it planned right up til she comes of age.
LEM Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age. Let you carry through your plans.
EMMA None of this matters! Let me go to my sister!
RED Lem?
LEM Give em sumpin to live for, you two. Make this up. Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together.
WISHWELL You think that would help?
LEM I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing.
EMMA Bart? Please let her, Bart! If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some!
CARTLAND If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years.
WISHWELL We're gonna have to set this down in writin.
EMMA There ain't no time fer writing now! [sharp] You say it! Both of you!
CARTLAND Fine. Melody! If'n you can hear me, you listen. I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy. We got it all worked out at this end.
WISHWELL Wallace? Fight Wallace! You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl! But you can have her if you want her. Izzat good?
CARTLAND You all gonna put down yer guns now?
LEM That sounds fine. What you'all think?
MELODY [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good. But I gotta have a real fine dress. Understand?
EMMA [astonished] Melody?
MELODY I'm all right.
SULLIVAN We're both just fine.
WISHWELL Well... Damn!
CARTLAND All right, somebody better start explaining.
RED Lem? Lem?
MUSIC
SOUND RIDING SLOWLY
LEM Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight--
FANSHAW I do think it's best to get while the getting is good. Do you think they will keep their promises?
LEM Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red.
FANSHAW Whatever happened to Hank?
LEM That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright.
FANSHAW Paid to tell a tale?
LEM Ayup.
FANSHAW Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step. I'm impressed.
LEM What are you jabberin on about?
FANSHAW That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not?
LEM Mebbe just a little. [beat] You ever done any of them plays?
FANSHAW Oh, yes. School.
LEM You gotta be the one in the dress? Like you were sayin? You got a voice that might could pass.
FANSHAW Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No. Actually, I often was the lead. I even played romeo. I was rather good at learning lines. Of course, someone always had to put on the dress. Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway.
LEM Seems like puttin a hat on a pig.
FANSHAW No. It's just "theater."
END