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19 Nocturne Boulevard


19 Nocturne Boulevard is an award-winning anthology audio drama series that ran from 2008 through 2013, and then went into deep hibernation.

STILL working on that Comeback!!

Also the creator of Fatal Girl, Bingo the Birthday Clown, The Deadeye Kid, The Lovecraft 5, The Prisoner of Hancock House, The Decadence of Borrowed Silk, Eternal Dusk Roulette, and Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.                                                        Join our awesome Patreon supporters!

Oct 6, 2022

Sometimes "reality" TV takes it one step too far.  Sometimes two steps.  Sometimes a flying leap.

WARNING:  IMPLIED VIOLENCE AND TORTURE

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Announcer  - Frankenvox
Alison - Beverly Poole
Bart - Michael Faigenblum
Carl - Mike Campbell
Debbie - E. Vickery
Ms. Sheldon - Sharon Delong
Tanya - Tanja Milojevic
Mom - Shayla Conrad-Simms
Dad - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Son - Eli Nilsson
Fred - Joel Harvey
Bob - Glen Hallstrom
Helen - Helen Edwards
June - Shelbi McIntyre
Kathy - Kim Poole
Additional Voices - Russell Gold; Julie Hoverson

Music by Brian Bochicchio (Seraphic Panoply)
Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson
Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock

 

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's right here, right now, can't you tell?"

************************************************************************

IDIOT BOX

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

TV Announcer

Alison, chipper

Bart, sullen

Carl, upbeat, hearty

Debbie, nervous, angry underneath

Ms. Sheldon, executive producer

Tanya, in the sound booth

Family - mom, dad, teenage son

Bar - Fred, Bob, Helen

Dorm - June, Kathy

OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's right here, right now, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

SOUND     THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER    last week, in the record-breaking debut of The Box, we were introduced to our four contestants:

ALISON    [chipper] I'm Alison, from Santa Monica.  Hi, mom!

CARL    [hearty] Carl, from Atlanta - home of the Cartoon Channel!! 

DEBBIE    [nervous] Debbie, from Salem.  Uh, Oregon.  [quickly] Salem Oregon.

BART    [sullen] Bart, Minneapolis [disgusted sigh].

ANNOUNCER    The rules are on the screen now for all you viewers out there, to cover the formalities.  They are also available on our website at [spelled out superfast] w-w-w-dot-s-k-i-n-n-e-r-i-d-i-o-t-b-o-x-dot-com. 

AMB    FAMILY LIVING ROOM

SOUND    CHIPS EATEN FROM BAG

ANNOUNCER    [TV] And after this brief message, we'll show you the results of last week's voting.

SOUND    CLICK OF REMOTE

SOUND    POPCORN POPPING IN MICROWAVE

MOM    [off] You better not have turned that off, hun!

SOUND    MICROWAVE DINGS

DAD    Just muted.  Sick of all these ads for freaking erectile dysfunction.  If anything's going to give a guy man-trouble, it's having to watch all those damn ads.

SOUND    POURING POPCORN INTO BOWL

SON    Ew, dad.  T-M-I.

MOM    [coming in, munching popcorn] The one I hate is that smiling guy.  His wife just looks so scared all the time.  Almost as creepy as the King.

SON    Am I adopted?  Please say yes.

DAD    Ooops, back on!

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Did everyone vote?

MOM    I certainly did!

SON    Mom?  [disgusted noise] Why?

ANNOUNCER    [TV] The voting is closed, the tabulations have been made, and the scores are coming up on the screen now.

MOM    [over the announcer] Why not?  I want that nice young girl - the blonde - to win.  She's very wholesome.

ANNOUNCER    [TV] And it looks like today Alison has been selected! 

MOM    [satisfied] There!

ANNOUNCER    We have Alison in the studio now - let's see how she takes it.

SOUND     LIGHT MUSIC, ON THE TV SEGUES INTO REALITY

ANNOUNCER    Hello Alison!  Say hi to everyone! 

ALISON    Hi!  Hi mom!  Dad!

ANNOUNCER    How's the first week been treating you?

ALISON    This place is great!

ANNOUNCER    Throughout the show, we'll be showing some of the fun you four have been having.  Now, why don't you tell me what you think of your new friends?

ALISON    Oh, wow - everyone's really great. 

ANNOUNCER    Don't you find Bart a bit... isolated?

ALISON    He's just self-contained.  I'm sure he's a good guy, he just doesn't open up real easily.

ANNOUNCER    And Debbie?

ALISON    She's shy - a lot like my sister.  Hi Vickie!!

ANNOUNCER    [chuckles] That's great.

ALISON    And Carl - well, he's a blast.  He's always thinking up great stuff to do.

ANNOUNCER    Yesterday you had sole access to the Dairy Dan Amusement park.

ALISON    Oh, man - that was awesome!  They closed the gates and we got to ride all the rides all day long - no lines, no crowds!  Woo!

ANNOUNCER    You've been chosen.

ALISON    Woo!  [stumbles] I - What?  What?

SOUND    CONTROL BOOTH

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Please step into the box.

ALISON    [TV - gasp, then steels herself]  Right.  [somewhat bitter] Thanks America.

  1. SHELDON That's the shot - tight in on 2, now 3 - yes! Keep her face centered until she shuts the door.

TANYA    Got it.

  1. SHELDON Okay, keep the volume low on that. It's early yet - don't want to wear out the viewers...

SOUND    [TV] ELECTRIC SHOCK NOISE, SOMEWHAT BRIEF

ALISON    [TV - short scream]

ANNOUNCER    [TV] We'll be right back after the break to find out what today's challenge will be.

AMB    DORM ROOM

JUNE    Omigod!  Omigod!  Did you see that?

KATHY    [distracted] Hmm?  No but I sure heard it - did they just do what I think they did?

JUNE    They just shocked the crap out of the blonde chick!

KATHY    Was there actually crap?

JUNE    [duh] She was in the box.  Shh.  It's coming back on.

SOUND    TV TURNS UP

ANNOUNCER    [TV] We'll be right back with more of The Box after these messages.

SOUND    SOUND DOWN AGAIN

JUNE    I hate when they do that.

KATHY    Shock someone?

JUNE    No, have the logo come up and make you think the show is back on.

KATHY    Yeah, that's much worse.

JUNE    You know what I mean!  It was totally mean that they shocked her - she's the one who got the most votes!

KATHY    Isn't that what everyone was voting for?

JUNE    No!  At least, I don’t think so - I mean, I thought it was voting for who would win something cool.  I ...voted for her.

KATHY    You actually voted?

JUNE    On the website, yeah.

KATHY    Of course there's a website.  Maybe you should read the fine print.

JUNE    Oh, oh!  It's back on!  Jeez, look at her poor hair!

SOUND    TV UP

ANNOUNCER    [TV] Back to the interview room, to hear from Alison.

ANNOUNCER    [real] Before we go on, I need to point out, this is the only time you can choose to leave the show.  Are you prepared to stay?

ALISON    [gulps, then quiet]  Yes.  [clears her throat, louder]  Yes.  [very shaky] That wasn't so bad.

ANNOUNCER    Excellent.  Now I believe you recently graduated from college, Alison.  What did you get your degree in?

AMB    BAR

ALISON    [TV]  I'm a liberal arts major, with a minor in art history.

FRED    So she's unemployed, eh?

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  And you are engaged to be married?

BOB    Too bad.  All the cute ones are taken.  Even with that weird hairdo.

SOUND    TV SWITCHED TO SPORTS

FRED    Hey, we were watching that!

HELEN    Why?  It's awful, letting them mess with people on TV like that!

FRED    [scornful] It's not real

BOB    Course it is - it even has a website!

HELEN    Puh-leez.  Lots of things have websites that aren’t real.

BOB    Name one.

HELEN    Pamela Anderson's boobs.

FRED    She got you there, pal.

BOB    C'mon - just switch it back long enough to see what today's challenge is?  Please?

HELEN    Ya big softie, you.

SOUND    TV CHANGES BACK

ANNOUNCER    [TV] Carl, you got the second most votes this week - Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home?  Obviously you're doing something right, to get so many votes.

CARL    [TV]  I think it's just my sunny personality, Bob.  People like winners, and I am a winner.

AMB    LIVING ROOM

SON    Weiner.

MOM    Language!

SON    [dismissive noise] Doesn't that dipstick know that most votes gets zapped?

DAD    Maybe he doesn't - they might not tell THEM everything, either.  Makes sense.  Why else would they be so excited?

SON    But that sucks!  That sucks big time!  Here they are, trying to be all cool and get people to vote for them, and they're like masterminding their own torture or something.

DAD    It's just a game,  No one really gets hurt.

MOM    Well, I was kind of upset that Alicia--

SON    Alison.

MOM    Yes, that she got shocked.  I didn’t know that voting for her would do that.  I kind of feel bad now.

SON    Well, don't vote for her next time.

MOM    I certainly won't!

ANNOUNCER    [on TV] Well, we've spoken to two of our four contestants, and the voting is open for the halftime winner.  Go on line now or text to--

SOUND    TV MUTES, AMB/DORM

SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS

KATHY    What are you doing?

JUNE    Voting.

KATHY    Vicious much?

JUNE    No! I - I just don’t want her to have to get shocked again.  Damn!  It only lets me choose one of those two - not the other guy.

KATHY    So you want to see him get shocked?

JUNE    Well, no, but I like him the least.

KATHY    Just cause you don't think he's cute.

SOUND    ONE LAST KEY

JUNE    Um, there.

KATHY    So who'd you vote for?

JUNE    The guy - the nice one - of course.  I like him, too, but I don't want her to get shocked again.

SOUND    TV UP AGAIN

ANNOUNCER    [TV] Regular text messaging fees apply.  And now‑‑

SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC ROLLS IN

ANNOUNCER    [TV, ominous] The moment in the spotlight.  Will it be Alison or Carl?  The voting closes in three minutes, so hurry up and make your vote count - if the lines are overloaded, make sure and try back - but be quick.   [normal] While we wait, let's watch some clips from the preliminary interviews with the other two contestants.

MUSIC

ANNOUNCER    [TV] And what are you studying?

DEBBIE    [TV] I'm - um - a poli sci major.

FRED    So she's gonna end up unemployed too.

BOB    Whatever happened to good old trade schools?

FRED    They're still around - just the trades aren't.  You seen any cobblers in the U.S. of A recently?  Nope.  It's all farmed out to Pakistan and Koala Lumper.

HELEN    Lumpur.

FRED    Sez you.

HELEN    I can turn it off, you know.

BOB    Yeah - see now Helen here's got a job that can't be farmed out - long as there's guys like us, there's always gonna be bars, eh?

FRED    Until they invent a mixology robot.

BOB    Hey, the lights are flashing on the screen, must be something important.

SOUND    TV TURNED UP.

SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES

ANNOUNCER    [TV; evil "suspense" pacing]  And the one who got the most halftime votes.  Will it be Alison, our stoic liberal arts major?

JUNE    Yes, yes - come on come on!!!

ANNOUNCER    [TV] Or Carl, who tutors children with learning disabilities.

MOM    Oh, that's awful!

SON    Awful? That he works with retarded kids?

MOM    [almost a whisper] That I voted for him.

ANNOUNCER    [TV] And the one who got the most votes in the 8-minute half-time poll was--

SOUND    HEAVY DRUMBEAT

ANNOUNCER    [TV] Was--

SOUND    HEAVY DRUMBEAT

KATHY    Look at how much she's sweating!

JUNE    You'd sweat too if you just got shocked!

ANNOUNCER    [TV] is -Carl!

JUNE    Whew!

KATHY    Shh.  Let's see what happens.

ANNOUNCER    [TV] This means that at the end of tonight's show, Carl will be up against the second half winner in a showdown to see who gets a million dollars sent to the charity of their choice.

HELEN    Waitaminute - she gets shocked and he gets a chance to win big bucks?  That's so not fair!

FRED    That's the way it is.  Women always getting the short stick.

HELEN    Especially when they’re dating you, eh?

BOB    [laughs, tried to stop]

FRED    Yeah, yeah - you can joke now, but I'll give you 70-30 odds that the other winner is that other guy.

BOB    The grouch?

FRED    Yup.  Is it a bet?

BOB    Fifty bucks?

FRED    Whoah, whoah!  Let's not get carried away here, now.

MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT

ANNOUNCER    Entering week five of The Box, you can see the ratings posted for our four contenders.  [hushed] Last week, it looked as though Debbie had finally broken--

DEBBIE    [TV] I hate it!  I hate you all! You can all just go and--

SOUND    LONG SERIES OF BLEEPED WORDS

SOUND    ZAPPING AND SCREAMING UNDER NEXT LINE

ANNOUNCER    But after her trip to the box, she refused to cry off.

DEBBIE    [TV] [breathing heavily and gulping] No [gasp] way! [gasp]  You don't [gasp] get rid of me [long shaky breath] that easily. [sob]

ANNOUNCER    And now, a new week - and what was this week's challenge?

STUDIO AUDIENCE Fasting!

ANNOUNCER    Yes, fasting.  Whoever could go the longest without eating even a single bite of food got a free pass this week‑‑

ANNOUNCER    [TV] --and we'll find out who managed that in just a moment - after a few words from our sponsors.

SOUND    CLICK, SOUND OFF

JUNE    [urging] C'mon Debbie!

KATHY    Debbie?  Hah.  She's got no body fat to start with.  Bart has a much better chance of surviving--

JUNE    Don't say that!  You just like him cause you know I don't!

KATHY    I root for the underdog.  It's a principal. And no one likes that poor bastard.

JUNE    If no one likes him, how come Debbie's the one always getting shocked, huh?  [almost a sob] Huh?

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Let's bring our four contestants out on stage to hear who's going to be free and clear for another week.  Alison--

SOUND    MUSIC UP, DOOR OPENS, SHAKY FOOTSTEPS

ANNOUNCER    [real] Alison, how are you feeling?

ALISON    [trying to be perky] Not too bad.  I made it almost three whole days on nothing but water. 

ANNOUNCER    But then you lost it?

ALISON    [heavy sigh] Yeah, I had to give in and get something.  [resigned] I figured fine - just put me in the box.  At least that eventually ends

ANNOUNCER    Thank you, Alison.  Now go over to the isolation booth while we talk with each of your friends.

ALISON    [venomous] Friends?  Hah!

ANNOUNCER    [TV, confidential] She needs to learn to be careful about trading today's pain for tomorrow's - what she doesn't know is we've [ramping up] turned the voltage up another notch!

AUDIENCE    [TV, CHEERS]

HELEN    This just keeps getting worse.  It has to be against the law.

BOB    Oh, come on.  They signed waivers, didn't they?  Plus, it's all fake - like wrestling.  Seriously.  Even if they did do this stuff, they have to have doctors and all on staff - make sure no one really gets hurt.

SOUND    UNWRAPPING AND OPENING A FORTUNE COOKIE

FRED    Hey, listen to this - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

BOB    Figures the Chinese would think of that first.

FRED    Nah.  The Chinese didn't make that up.

HELEN    Then who did say it?

FRED    [immediate] Thomas Jefferson.

BOB    I don't think so.

FRED    Yeah?  And who do you think it was?

BOB    Some Greek philosopher or other.  [idea] Julius Caesar!

HELEN    You guys make your bet, I'll call Jonesy on the next commercial and he can google it.

SOUND    TV TURNS UP

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  So Bart, you made it the longest without eating - you have any special tips for the viewers out there on how you did it?

BART    [real] Huh?

ANNOUNCER    Any tips?  We'll give you a minute - these moments of uncertainty are just further proof that our show is live and unedited.  While Bart ponders this, I'll recap - Alison gave into her craven need for food first, followed by Carl and Debbie - in a virtual photo finish, where Debbie held out for one millisecond longer than Carl.  Good going Debbie!

BART    I hate you.

ANNOUNCER    Hmm?  What's that?

BART    I hate you and all you stand for. 

ANNOUNCER    Do I hear an opt-out coming?  For those of you just tuning in, during this episode and this episode alone, any of our four contestants can opt out at any time - not just immediately following a trip into the Box.  So Bart, are you--

SOUND    A BEEP TRIES TO CUT HIM OFF ON THE FIRST WORD

BART    Fuck you!  You can't get rid of me that easily. 

BART    [TV] I don't care how many times you drug me and try to get me to bow down to the corporate machine!  You and all you people at home - you are sadistic bastards, but I'm here for the long haul - And when I finish, whether I win or not, I will be traveling around the country demanding the pound of flesh each and every one of you bastards owe me!!!

KATHY    For god's sake, turn it off.

JUNE    No, he's making a valid point.  We shouldn't be party to this.

KATHY    The very act of watching it validates it.

JUNE    No.  I'm only doing this to bear witness.

KATHY    The advertisers don't care.  They just want to you to watch.

JUNE    Well, I won't vote any more.

KATHY    Then you can't complain when your favorite gets zapped.

JUNE    [upset] Oh hell!

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Well, that was very enlightening.  Before you out there start emailing and phoning - please refer to clause 42 slash 8 slash F, subsection I-I-I, paragraph y, where it sets out the game's rules covering mental illness or defect.  Thank you, and good night!

SOUND    TV TURNED OFF

HELEN    Anyone checked out the big pools?

FRED    What do you mean?

HELEN    There's huge bets all over the place - everyone guessing who's gonna last the longest.

BOB    Well, no one's washed out yet.

FRED    They're a tough bunch of kids, but I bet I could make it on that show.  Age does bring wisdom.

BOB    To who?

FRED    You're too young to remember this, but I was a P-O-W in nam [rhymes with "ham"].  I been through it all.  Torture, deprivation, brain washing.

HELEN    They sure got yours squeaky clean.

SOUND    DRINKS WHOLE BEER DOWN.

BOB    Ahhh.

MUSIC   

ANNOUNCER    This week, week 9 of The Box, we might just lose a second contestant. 

ANNOUNCER     [TV] Alison, you've spent three days in this jacuzzi - brought to us courtesy of Big Joe's cut-rate pools and spas.  Now, people might think this was fun, but of course, you can't fall asleep or you might drown! 

ALISON    [TV, parched, delirious]  You suck, Bob.

FRED    Friend of yours?

BOB    You wish.

ALISON     [TV]  Get me out.

ANNOUNCER    [TV] You do know that whomever leaves their jacuzzi first goes directly into the box?

ALISON     [TV] No!  I want out!  OUT!  I can't - you can't make me stay here!

JUNE    They can't, can they?

KATHY     How much you wanna bet she signed something that says they can?

JUNE    That's illegal!

KATHY    Being stupid and greedy?  Nah.  They'd run out of prisons.  Unless you subscribe to the idea that our whole world is a prison.

JUNE    [very upset] Don't talk like that - look at that poor girl!  They're just dragging her across the stage!

KATHY    Wow.  I wouldn't'a thought it would take three guys to handle her, after all the crap she's been through.

ALISON    [TV - screaming weakly and struggling]

ANNOUNCER    [TV] It is understood, under the rules, that the clemency episode has run out and, once again, the only time you can opt out is right after a session in the box--

SON    If she's all wet, wouldn't that make the shock worse?

DAD    At least her hair doesn't end up all weird since they shaved her head after that challenge last week--

SON    Three weeks ago.

DAD    Really?  Anyway, they probably compensate somehow.

MOM    Are you sure?

DAD    [unsure] Well... They can't really hurt her - that would be...

ANNOUNCER    [TV]     Oh, and - I've just got a word from the producer!  We've got a three minute vote - so grab your phones! 

ANNOUNCER    [real] Now this will cost one dollar per vote, so make yours count!  Dial the studio number and hit 1 if you want us to let Allison forfeit and leave now, push 2 if you think we should hold her to the rules.  And voting opens [beat, then TV] Now!

  1. SHELDON Start the positive counter.

TANYA    On it.  Running.

NARRATOR     [TV] The positive votes will tally right here on the corner of the screen, and if, after the vote closes, there are more positive than negative votes, Alison will  immediately leave the studio - damper but wiser...

BOB    Man, I wish I was in Vegas.

FRED    Nah - you know what's going to happen.  The odd's'll be crap.

HELEN    Course.  They'll let her go.

FRED    You gotta lotta faith in people, babe.  Nah.  I'll give you 10 to 1 she's gonna ride the lightning.

BOB     [incredulous] "Ride the lightning?"

FRED    You know - old sparky. The electric chair?  Man where have you been?

BOB    Considering no one's been executed in an electric chair in this state for - um - help me out Helen--

HELEN    50 years.

BOB    50 years.

FRED    Really?

HELEN    How the hell'm I supposed to know?

BOB    Well, whatever - a long time. 

HELEN    Actually, I think this state always hanged people.

FRED    Hung.

BOB    The countdown! 5 - 4 -

JUNE    3-2-

MOM    [almost breathless] One.

ANNOUNCER    [TV]  All votes are in, and as you can see, we had a regular landslide of support for our dear friend Allison here.  we have 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes for clemency.  Good for you everyone!  We'll show the other side, right after this--

SOUND    TV OFF

DAD    No way!

MOM    You can't    !

SON    I won't watch any more of this.  This is brutal.

MOM    [angry] Don't you dare!  How can we not ... find out?

SON    No.

MOM    Just until they announce it - we don't have to watch ...if she...

SON    Gets it?

SOUND    REMOTE THROWN ONTO TABLE

SON    You do what you want.  I'll be in the garage.

SOUND    [after a moment] TV CLICKS ON

COMMERCIAL    [something]

KATHY    I bet the commercials for this cost top dollar.  Like superbowl ads.

JUNE    How can you just be so snarky - that girl could die!

KATHY    Nah.  They can't do that.  It would be illegal.

JUNE    Not normally, but remember when that guy had a stroke on "Danger Island" last year?  The family sued, but the waiver made it perfectly legit. 

KATHY    And that wasn't even that exciting.

ANNOUNCER    [on TV]  For those just tuning in, we have perky little Allison in the Box, awaiting your verdict.  [continues under] Does she take the next shock, or have you tipped toward clemency for this poor girl?

  1. SHELDON Give them the split picture.

TANYA    Before and after?

  1. SHELDON Uh-huh. [grim] Show them what they did.

ANNOUNCER    [on TV] The negative votes have been tallied. 

SOUND    DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC

ANNOUNCER    [ON TV] And we had 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes to let her go. 

BOB    I'm still saying they'll let her off. 

FRED    Nope.  You already lost that twenty, pal.

HELEN    Shh!

ANNOUNCER    [TV] The negative count is seven million three hundred--

SOUND    TV OFF

KATHY    Did you vote?

JUNE    Yes.  [beat]  Twenty times.

KATHY    [shrug] You can't beat the bastards.

JUNE    But if everyone just voted a few more times...

KATHY    Three million more times.

JUNE    How can people be so horrible?

SOUND    [NEXT DOOR TV] SCREAMING

PEOPLE    [laughing]

SOUND    POUNDING ON WALL

JUNE    [yelling at them] How can you be so horrible??

KATHY    They're drunk.  Didn't you see the sign?

JUNE    [half a sob] Sign?

KATHY    The one that said "come to gary's room, get drunk and watch The Box"?

JUNE    [down] No.

KATHY    Look, turn it on.  You'll see she's not dead or anything, then you'll feel better.

JUNE    But what if she's not?  I mean, what if she is?  I mean--

KATHY    [sigh] Then you'll know.

SOUND    [beat, then] TV TURNS ON

SOUND    [on TV] AMBULANCE SIRENS

JUNE    [sob]

MOM    [sob] Her poor parents!

DAD    Don't worry so much - she's not dead.

MOM    She was for 43 seconds.

DAD    That doesn't even count these days - happens all the time on House.

MOM    [very upset] But this is real!

SOUND    [on tv] MUSIC UP

ANNOUNCER    [tv]  And we'll be checking in with Allison as soon as she regains consciousness to confirm her wish to opt out.  For now, the game comes down to Bart and Carl. 

ANNOUNCER    Don't forget - no matter what happens, the game's big final episode is in two weeks. 

SOUND    CAMERA OFF

  1. SHELDON Nicely done.

ANNOUNCER    It's really wearing me thin.

  1. SHELDON Almost over. And after today's vote, there's no way the station can afford to cancel us.

ANNOUNCER    [sigh, then grudging] Two more shows. 

  1. SHELDON [with meaning] And then we announce the results.

MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT

AMB     NOISY BAR

BOB    [ordering] Another one.

FRED    Packed tonight.

SOUND    DRINK SET DOWN

HELEN    It's the finale.

FRED    [tired] Oh, yeah.  That.

BOB    Bottom's up!

HELEN    Slow down, or I'm gonna have to pour you into a cab.

SOUND    CAR KEYS SLAPPED ONTO THE BAR, SCOOPED UP

SOUND    GLASS SET DOWN HARD

BOB    Ahhh.

CROWD    ROAR OF EXCITEMENT

HELEN    Hold on!  I'll get it.

SOUND    TV SOUND UP

MUSIC    FANFARE

ANNOUNCER    It's the night we've all been waiting for.  The night the final results are announced.  And we will have an ultimate winner.  Let's recap what the winner will walk away with. 

SOUND    VOLUME DOWN

SOUND    DOOR OPENS

KATHY    Oh, you're not watching that, are you?  [sneer] I thought you decided it wasn't worth it!

JUNE    [shell shocked] I can't not watch!  I have to know!

KATHY    Look, let's go to the library or something.

JUNE    No!  I would die of suspense!

KATHY    It's not--

SOUND    TV VOLUME COMES UP

KATHY    [sigh] I'm not staying.

SOUND    DOOR CLOSES

ANNOUNCER    And the contest comes down to our two finalists, Bart and Carl.  They have endured amazing hardship to make it this far.  Do you have anything you want to say to the people at home, Bart?

BART    You still suck and you always will.  Every single one of you!  Every person who just sits by and supports this shit!

ANNOUNCER    [still jovial]  And yet, you have continued to play our sick little games - as you call them - despite being offered chance after chance to leave.

BART    Hah!  I don't plan to fucking let you win, you scumbags!

ANNOUNCER    Well said.  And you, Carl, do you have anything for the audience?

CARL    [mumbles]

ANNOUNCER    Speak up?

CARL    [vague, reciting] We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.  Sitting by lone sea-- lone sea....  the sea.  The sea.  See see oh playmate, come out and play with me.... [fades out]

ANNOUNCER    There you have it, folks.  And now we go to our man in the street interviewer, Tanya.  Take it away!

TANYA    Thank you.  I'm in a major metropolitan center here, asking people on the street what they think of the Box.

ANNOUNCER    If they're outside right now, instead of glued to their sets, they must not think much of it.

BOTH    [fake laugh]

SOUND    TV OFF

SOUND    EATING

MOM    What?  Don't you dare!

DAD    Hey, we were watching that!

SON    Are you enjoying this?

MOM    Enjoying?

DAD    What do you mean?

SON    All this shit they've put those people through!  You can barely tell them apart now, after they’ve been starved and had their heads shaved.  They look like concentration camp victims!

MOM    But - but this is the last show!

DAD    What does it matter if we watch or don't watch?

SOUND    THROWING DOWN A REMOTE

SON    Do what you want.  I'll just hope for a six-car pileup.  Maybe you'll trade up.

SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND SHUT

SOUND    REMOTE TAKEN, TV ON

ANNOUNCER    And for tonight, the big surprise is--

SOUND    DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC

ANNOUNCER    Two boxes!

SOUND    CANNED CHEERING

ANNOUNCER    One for each of you.  While we get them all set, here's a word from our sponsor!

AMB    BAR

CROWD    Buzzing "two boxes?"

BOB    [slurry] Whaddaya think they've got up their shleeves?

FRED    They're gonna kill one of those boys.

HELEN    [confidential] I heard that girl Allison is in a private clinic, barely alive.

FRED    Where'd you--?

HELEN    Internet. 

BOB    [sarcastic]  Yeah.  Then it's probably true.

SOMEONE    Turn it up!

HELEN    Got it!

SOUND    TV UP

ANNOUNCER    And now.  The moment of truth!  All the votes have been tallied.  As you can see, we have Bart over here in the red box--

SOUND    CANNED APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER    [tv] --and Carl over there in the blue.

  1. SHELDON close up on Bart, camera 2. Yeah, baby, clench that jaw.  Now cut to that trickle of sweat on Carl's face.  Nice.

TANYA    Back to the announcer?

  1. SHELDON One more second, and - yes!

ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now, with the votes tallied, we will find out who you out there have selected as the big winner, and who has to take the big penalty. 

ANNOUNCER    [real] But first, we caught each of our contestants here on secret camera last night.  Let's see what they were doing on the penultimate night.

SOUND    QUICK JAB OF STATIC

VOICE    [tv] ...need to get out now.  You don't understand what they have planned for tomorrow.  It's so much worse!

AMB    BAR

BOB    Who the hell izzat?

BART    [TV] [scoff] Worse?  Worse how?

HELEN    Don't know. 

FRED    Look at that announcer fellow - he's surprised too. 

HELEN    [half a chuckle]  Serves him right.

ANNOUNCER    [tv] Sorry - we should have screened that clip before playing it.  Let's go over to Carl's shot.

CARL    [tv] Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall--[cuts out suddenly]

ANNOUNCER    [tv] And that's all the time we have for that.  And now the moment of truth.  Carl or Bart?  You held their fate in your hands.

SOUND    COMMERCIAL COMES ON UNDER

MOM    [coming in]  Where's Kyle?  Have you seen Kyle?

DAD    [mesmerized]  He'll be back.  Just ... went out to a friend's house.  Probably.

MOM    You should turn that off and find him!

DAD    We can look in ten minutes just as easily as we can look now!

MOM    This is our son!

DAD    It's almost over!

SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC ON TV

ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now.  The final countdown.

MOM    Five minutes.

SOUND    SHE SITS

ANNOUNCER     [tv]  This has been quite a journey for everyone - and we would like to thank you all for your support and participation.

BOB    Support?  I'd shoot that stupid bastard if I had a chance.  And a gun.

HELEN    You're not the only one, but a lot of people paid a lot of money into that damn show.

ANNOUNCER    [tv] --making us the highest rated network series ever--

FRED    yeah, and even WE count for ratings, since we happen to be watching it.

BOB    [steaming into an alcoholic rage] Then let's not watch it!

SOUND    SLAMS GLASS ON BAR, LIQUID SLOSHES

FRED    Calm down, pal.

BOB    No! Is this what our world has come to?  This crap??

SOUND    THROWS BEER GLASS AT TV, TV DIES, BUT OTHER SET PLAYS ON IN THE BACKGROUND

CROWD    [Shocked silence]

FRED    Great, one down, only seven hundred million TV sets to go.

HELEN    I'll put it on your tab.

CROWD     [chatter begins again]

ANNOUNCER    [tv] --will definitely be returning for a second season, starting next fall--

SOUND    DOOR OPENS

ANNOUNCER    [tv] --and we're looking at celebrity contestants. 

TANYA    [tv]  That will be a whole new ballgame.

KATHY    Sorry, didn't know it was still on.

JUNE    [distraught] Stay.  Please.

KATHY    Ugh.  Why?

JUNE    Because I don't think I'll make it otherwise.

KATHY    Make what?

ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now for the final outcome. 

MOM    Yes?

DAD    About time.

ANNOUNCER    [tv]  the final results.

FRED    Don't call the police.  I'll get him home.

HELEN    Yeah.  This time.

ANNOUNCER    [tv] What we've all been working toward.

JUNE    [crying] Can't they just say it?

TV, MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

JUNE    What?

HELEN    Shit, must have blown the circuit.

DAD    The electricity's still on!

KATHY    Is there something wrong with your TV?

MOM    No!  It's practically new!

FRED    Come on.  Quitting time, pal.

SOUND    TEST PATTERN NOISE, THEN MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS BACK IN

ANNOUNCER    Thank you all for participating in our experiment. 

MOM    [gasp]

ANNOUNCER    As you can see, all of our actors are in perfect health.

JUNE    [sob]  How could they--?

KATHY    Bastards.

ANNOUNCER    We would love to hear your reactions to this show.  Please feel free to leave us a message at www-dot-

SOUND    TV SWITCHES OFF

HELEN     [last call voice] Allright.  That's it.

CLOSER

 

[NOTE:  George Santayana, author of the quote.]