Aug 17, 2022
While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand...
Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson
Cast List
Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson
Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson
Doc - Russell Gold
Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard
Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore
The Yorkshire Miners:
Scabby Bill: John Lingard
Will Watt
Stevie K. Farnaby
Danar Hoverson
Paul Green
The Swedish Loggers:
Oly - Lothar Tuppan
Nels - Danar Hoverson
Mark Olson
Cary Ayers
Bill Jones
Reynaud Leboeuf
Julie Hoverson
Cover Design: Brett Coulstock
Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom
Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain
recording found on archive.org
Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson
No gunshots herald his approach.
No trademark left behind him when he leaves.
The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by -
as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.
Some say he rides alone.
That's the Deadeye Kid.
**********************************************************************
Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]
EPISODE 1
(from end of previous story)
SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot]
COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow.
LEM [vague] all's well?
COMMANDER We got em.
LEM My pack?
COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it.
FADE OUT
DOCTOR [to Lem] Bite down on this. [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood!
FADE OUT
BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them. You sure I should even bother--?
FADEOUT
MRS. DOC Just a little bit of broth, mister. You need to get some o'yer strength back.
SICKROOM
LEM [annoyed moan]
FANSHAW You're awake.
LEM [quiet] Anyone--?
FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet.
LEM Good. [groan] I been shot?
FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages. Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say. I should have been watching.
LEM [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin. Scotty?
FANSHAW When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him.
LEM Good.
FANSHAW I sincerely hope so. [awkward pause, then stiffly] Should I ...go?
LEM Go? go where?
FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace. To rest. I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it.
LEM [straining a bit] Did you see, did it go alla way through?
FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared.
LEM [satisfied] Good.
FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I?
LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind.
FANSHAW Oh.
LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over?
FANSHAW [bracing breath] Yes.
LEM [exasperated snort] Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it?
FANSHAW Yes.
LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you.
FANSHAW [shock] So she did--?
LEM [shrug] Yup. So?
FANSHAW [surprised] So?
LEM You cain't be the first.
FANSHAW First?
LEM Nor the last, like enough.
FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you?
LEM Well, you don't do it no more.
FANSHAW I... don't?
LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.
FANSHAW What?
SOUND GUNSHOTS, DISTANT
LEM [straining to get up] Oh hell. Where's my britches?
FANSHAW Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look.
LEM [lies back with a groan]
SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES
SOUND ANOTHER GUNSHOT
SOUND DOOR OPENS
MRS. DOC Oh! You are awake. I thought I heard your voice!
LEM I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried? About the gunshots?
MRS. DOC [unconcerned] Oh, that. My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients.
LEM [baffled] Ma'am?
MRS. DOC Oh, my stars! You won't even remember! You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us.
LEM Out... here?
MRS. DOC Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties! Leastways, the only one that doctors people. So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were. So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good. You slept peaceful ever since we got here.
LEM Ah. You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am?
MRS. DOC [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him.
LEM And the gunshots--?
MRS. DOC [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up.
LEM Altercation?
MRS. DOC I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself. You don't need any such concern right now. What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
LEM You're too kind.
SOUND SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS
LEM [sigh] Yeah?
FANSAW The good lady is correct. You really don't need this concern right now.
LEM [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis.
FANSAW [slight chuckle] It will, won't it? Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.
LEM [grunt, pause] Right, then. Go on with the regalin'.
FANSAW Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking. They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything. They didn't seem to be speaking--
SOUND DOOR OPENS
MRS. DOC Here you go. Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you.
LEM Smells right fine. But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got.
MRS. DOC [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh....
LEM Roberts.
MRS. DOC Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain.
LEM Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.
MRS. DOC You're too kind.
DOC [calling, off] Irene? Missus?
MRS. DOC Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.
FANSHAW The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add.
MRS. DOC [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom! [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot.
LEM [sips] Mm. A mite. But I can use some warming.
SOUND FOOTSTEPS COME IN
DOC Ah! Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed. [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows.
MRS. DOC They don't mean no harm!
DOC To us, no. To each other, though...!
LEM What's this trouble yer havin', doc?
DOC Nothing you need worry on. Not yet, leastways.
LEM But I can--
DOC Tomorrow. If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast. For now, you need yer rest.
LEM Can we speak, man to man, sir?
MRS. DOC Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits.
DOC You do that.
SOUND SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS
DOC She does make some fair biscuits. [teasing] And she doesn't listen in.
FANSHAW Should I leave?
LEM No. [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits.
DOC [laughs] You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever. That's excellent. You keep on with that broth, though. Ain't out of the woods jest yet.
LEM It's the fever I wanna ask about. Your good wife let slip that I was a mite...
FANSHAW Garralous?
LEM hmph. ...rambly?
DOC You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.
LEM "Folks." Ah.
DOC Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there.
LEM [careful] Whyzzat?
DOC The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on".
LEM I - I musta heard the names somewhere.
DOC Can I speak frankly with you, sir? And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear?
LEM Ayup.
DOC Well, then. I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks.
LEM You...do?
DOC Seen it before - more'n once, even.
FANSHAW Really?
DOC You ain't alone, son.
LEM [unsure] I'm... not?
DOC Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through.
LEM Ahhh.
FANSHAW Really, they were being rather annoying.
LEM [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important?
DOC I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife. She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you?
LEM She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind.
DOC The trip seems to have done you good, too. Fever broke while we were on route. Quieted you right down.
FANSHAW And there are less spirits here than in town. At least not around the house. None to harass you.
LEM And where are we now, then?
DOC I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep.
LEM I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am.
DOC We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were. Near the town of Silt Creek.
LEM Miners?
DOC [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions. Can you finish the last of that?
LEM [slurps the broth down]
DOC Good. If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more. But do try and sleep.
SOUND LEAVES THE ROOM
FANSHAW They seem a nice couple.
LEM Tell me more about what was going on out there.
FANSHAW Lem, You're hardly in any condition--
LEM I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them. Stop actin like an old woman and--
FANSHAW Very well. When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house. The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them. They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out--
LEM Were they strapped?
FANSHAW I saw no guns, but they--
SOUND TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW
FANSHAW I'll see. [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them!
LEM [hushed] How many out there?
FANSHAW Two. They're trying to get the window open!
SOUND CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES
LEM [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns?
END
EPISODE 2
SOUND FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND
LEM [quiet] Dammit!
FANSHAW Lem, they are trying to leever open the window. If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it!
LEM I don't--
SOUND CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD
LEM Ah hell. [up] Doc! Bring your gun! Doc?
SOUND SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE
SOUND GLASS BREAKS
OLY [You got it?] [du fick den?]
SVEN [I got it. Quick, get
inside!]
[Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.]
LEM What the hell kinda talk is that?
FANSHAW Something Nordic, perhaps? I am hardly an expert!
LEM And where's the Doc?
FANSHAW That I can check on.
SOUND THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM
LEM Stop right there!
OLY [keep quiet and do not move!]
[hålla tyst och inte röra mig!]
SVEN [outside] [is everything all right?]
[Är allt okej?]
OLY [Someone is in here. I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.]
MRS. DOC [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain]
LEM Dammit! Where's my blasted guns?
OLY [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga]
SOUND FANSHAW COMES IN
FANSHAW [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady. The Doctor has given up his weapon.
OLY [barks orders to those outside] [go around front. Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.]
LEM [side of mouth] What they threatenin' to do?
FANSHAW I don't know... but I don't think they do either.
OLY [shut up!] [Håll käften!]
FANSHAW He's gesturing for you to remain quiet. If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed?
SOUND ONE QUIET RAP
SVEN [outside, question] [you want the
axe?]
[Vill du ha yxan?]
OLY [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!]
FANSHAW I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no--
SOUND ONE RAP
FANSHAW Right, then.
SOUND FANSHAW EXITS
OLY [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.]
LEM [slowly] I don't understand.
OLY [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me]
[Du får upp och komma med mig]
LEM Come with? I been shot. Weak. Cain't walk.
OLY [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!]
LEM [muttered, resigned] All right then.
SOUND BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR
LEM [moans] Dammit.
FADE
MRS. DOC [weeping]
DOC Let me go to my wife!
BJORN [angry words] [just stay right there. No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!]
DOC [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave. We'll get this all sorted out.
BJORN [warning noise]
FANSHAW At least there's nothing unseemly going on. That would simply be too much. If only Lem had his guns. There's no more that six of them, large as they are. And not one seems to have a firearm.
OLY [Someone come and carry this fool.] [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.]
AKE [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?]
BJORN [go!] [Go!]
SOUND ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL.
BJORN [barks orders] [tie them up!] [Binned upp dem!]
SOUND CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES
MRS. DOC [gaspy shriek]
DOC There ain't no call for this! How dare you lay hands on a lady!
BJORN Shh!
FANSHAW Well. That anyone can understand.
FADE
LEM [muttered] I never thought Swedes were this ornery. Only ones I ever met were right peaceable.
FANSHAW I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help.
LEM eh?
FANSHAW The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man.
SOUND AKE WALKS IN
OLY [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!]
OLY and AKE [Grunts as they move Lem]
LEM [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain]
Fanshaw Be prepared. They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid.
Lem Damn.
AKE [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!]
OLY [shush] [tyst]
FADE
Doc [speaking looud and slow] stitches. He needs stitches. I will have to sew that gash on his head.
SWEDES [muttering]
Doc [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets!
Mrs. Doc [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month.
SVEN Nels?
Doc If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier.
SVEN [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?]
Doc Nels. Yes. He was a good man.
SOUND MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM
Lem [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels?
Sven [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!]
OLY [Be quiet. If nels was here, there would be no problem. You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.]
FANSHAW [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead? Hmm.
LEM [quiet] Go on then.
SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES
SOUND SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR
AKE [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?]
OLY [He cannot even stand. Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.]
FADE
SOUND OUTSIDE NOISES
FANSHAW Nels? I say, is there a Nels around?
FITCH [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob! [shut your mouth]
FANSHAW Heavens! Hello?
FITCH [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking]
FANSHAW Are you addressing me?
FITCH [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about. Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that. {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing}
SCABBY BILL Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk]
PIKEY [drunken chortle]
FANSHAW That's a relief - of a sort. Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation. Bloody hell. [sigh] I'd best relay this.
FADE
DOC I can't do him any good without my bag. [louder, and gesturing] Bag!
OLY [thinking] Bag. Ja.
Mrs. Doc Maybe they understand needle and thread. Show them.
FANSHAW Lem, just listen. I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside.
LEM Hmm?
FANSHAW Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against. At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone.
LEM Cheery.
FANSHAW And my apologies for not thinking of this before--
LEM [impatient sigh]
FANSHAW But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in.
LEM Hmph.
DOC [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag! You see? Noooo weapons. Give bag, let me help your friend.
LEM [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside.
OLY [Hell! Nels always had bad timing!] [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!]
SVEN [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!]
Mrs. Doc Nels? [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man.
SVEN [good man] God Manniska. Ya.
OLY [Hmph. give the doctor his bag.]
[ge läkaren sin väska.]
FADE
FITCH Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate. Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front. I'll keep pikey downwind. His farts alone would make you stupid.]
PIKEY [drunken laugh]
FANSHAW I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels. [quiet] Please god I shall find him. [up] Nels? Nels!
PIKEY Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?]
FITCH Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk]
FADE
SOUND SCISSORS SNIP
DOC [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means--
MRS. DOC Dear?
DOC [heavy sigh] Right. [back to loud and slow] Clean. Wash. Alcohol. Whiskey?
SWEDES [approving noises] ya ya. Whiskey.
DOC [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word.
LEM That last word I'd say they did.
Mrs. Doc They're watching you real close. They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar. "Help", for instance.
OLY [Help? Help what?] [Hjalp? Hjalp vad?]
MRS. DOC It's almost like he understood me.
LEM I wouldn’t go thinkin' these fellers is fools. They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his business.
DOC You think they'll leave now?
LEM So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased?
DOC [agreeing] Mm-hm. Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head. It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done.
LEM So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley?
DOC These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley. They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get.
MRS. DOC Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding? With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake?
LEM Might could be. These miners, they speak English? Not chineee or sumpin?
DOC English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.
LEM Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house. I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes.
MRS. DOC What do we do?
LEM I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too.
MRS. DOC Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon?
LEM Even more so. But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place.
MRS. DOC Oh no!
DOC If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside.
LEM I'm not sure as they've even noticed--
OLY [hey! Someone's outside!]
[hey! Någon utanför!]
AKE [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!]
LEM Never mind.
SVEN [do not let them come in!]
[Låt dem inte komma in!]
FADE
FANSHAW [sigh] This is about as far as I can go. I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑
EZRA Hello.
FANSHAW Hel-lo?
EZRA Will you play with me?
FANSHAW Oh, dear.
[end]
EPISODE 3
1_EZRA
EZRA [child] What's your name?
FANSHAW [dread] Fanshaw.
EZRA That's a funny sort of name.
FANSHAW I expect so. And yours?
EZRA Ezra. Ezra Peacote.
FANSHAW Ezra. Can you point me to the logger's encampment?
EZRA Sure I can! You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone.
FANSHAW I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment. Can you go to the logging camp?
EZRA I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees. I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up.
FANSHAW [sorrowful] Oh. I see.
FADE
2_barricade
SOUND SHIFTING FURNITURE
OLY [block that window! Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!]
SVEN [yes! PUSH!] [Ja! Tryck!]
SWEDES [GRUNTS as they shove furniture]
DOC Stop all this! Let me talk to them!
AKE [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?]
Mrs. Doc Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!
DOC I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene.
LEM [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner. [chuckles] It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.
FADE
3_angel
FANSHAW Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait. There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them.
EZRA Helping is what I'm here fer. Not that I had much chance, yet. I'm an angel, you know.
FANSHAW A - what?
EZRA You do know what an angel is, dontcha?
FANSHAW Oh, of course, I've just... I've never seen one.
EZRA Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels.
FANSHAW [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on?
EZRA Yessir. But don't sound so sad - it's all right. I don't cough no more.
FANSHAW You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?
FADE
4_irons
SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN
SOUND SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS
[voices from back in the front room]
OLY [yelling to them outside] [we know you are there! Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas]
DOC [also yelling] They have my shotgun! Stay clear!
MRS. DOC Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone. We must be able to work this out!
SOUND DOOR EASES SHUT
LEM [sigh of relief] Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of--
PIKEY [slurred, off] Eyup! Naught but oiyl! As ah allus sez - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt. [hey - nothing but a hole! As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free]
LEM [hushed but urgent] Dammit!
SOUND THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS
SOUND NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE
SOUND SEARCHING THE TRUNK
LEM [searching for his guns] Where are they? Dammit!
FADE
5_get nels
EZRA Nels? I'll go and ask. There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them. They talk funny.
FANSHAW If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English.
EZRA I'm a-going. [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings? I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead.
FANSHAW [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead. You go on, now. [pause] [small sob]
FADE
6_put em up
SOUND THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM.
SCABBY BILL Bleeding muttonheads, innit? Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us.
PIKEY Inno moat. [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk]
SCABBY BILL Shu'up.
PIKEY SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty]
SCABBY BILL [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup.
OLY [off] [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?]
AKE [off] [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn]
BJORN [off] [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på]
OLY [furious growl] [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!]
SOUND FEET APPROACH
SCABBY BILL Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown.
PIKEY Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet]
SOUND DOORKNOB TURNS
SCABBY BILL Shh!
SOUND DOOR OPENS
PIKEY [loud attack] Right!
SOUND HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS
LEM All y'all hold it right there. [up] GUN, savvy?
PIKEY What?
LEM Drop em.
SOUND CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO
SCABBY BILL What gate of hell spewed you forth?
LEM No place so trick. You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home.
AKE [slightly off] Gun?
LEM Yes, gun!
SOUND SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL
PIKEY Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt--
SCABBY BILL You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment. You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye.
LEM You two stay right'chere.
SOUND SLIGHT STEP
LEM [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun. Now you, "mansker"--
AKE [me?] [mig?]
LEM Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife.
BJORN [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla]
AKE [He can shoot one. And it can be you, idiot.] [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.]
LEM Idiot. Gotcha. Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker. Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.
FADE
7_NELS
EZRA You just waiting fer me?
FANSHAW I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily.
EZRA I kin find anything round here. I found yer Mr. Nels. He can't come no closer than over yonder, though.
FANSHAW [calling] Nels?
NELS Who is this asking? Sure, you're not the little boy.
EZRA [muttered] I'm an angel.
FANSHAW [up] We need help with talking to your men. Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another.
NELS Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not?
FANSHAW A woman? The doctor's wife?
NELS Nah! The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her.
FANSHAW [resigned mutter] All this over a woman. And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable.
EZRA You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do.
FANSHAW Thank you. It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them.
NELS Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again.
EZRA Is she their mother?
FANSHAW I rather doubt it. But women are good at... other things too.
EZRA You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.
FANSHAW Please, just call me Fanshaw.
EZRA All right Mr. Fanshaw.
FANSHAW If you must.
EZRA Huh?
FANSHAW [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men. Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up?
NELS [snort of derision] Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float.
EZRA That's just silly.
FANSHAW I think that rather lost something in the translation.
FADE
8_palaver
SOUND ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES
LEM [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw. [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo.
DOC I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand.
MRS. DOC Perhaps we could draw some pictures?
DOC That's a capital idea!
Mrs. Doc I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle. NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I’ll fetch it, then, shall I?
SOUND SHE RUSHES OFF
SCABBY BILL Us got more lads backside. Be reasonable and leave us go.
LEM I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin. Stay shut.
FANSHAW ENTERS
FANSHAW Lem, we have a problem.
LEM [laughs derisively]
FANSHAW Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place. I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way.
SOUND MRS. DOC RETURNS
MRS. DOC Here we go. I even have some chalk. Now. [bravely] You seem to be the leader here--
DOC Be careful, dear.
MRS. DOC He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband. [to OLY] You... draw ... problem.
OLY [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem! Ja!
SOUND DRAWING ON SLATE
MRS. DOC [satisfied] See?
SCABBY BILL Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude.
SOUND DRAWING FINISHES
OLY ["Finished"] Fardig. [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam.
SOUND TAPS THE SLATE
PIKEY As I allus say.
DOC I'll ask you not to use such language--
LEM No, I think he means dam, like a mare. Look at what he's drawn.
DOC A woman? Oh, that sort of dam!
OLY Ya. Dam.
FANSHAW Damn! Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.
LEM Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am. [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp.
END
EPISODE 4
FANSHAW I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter--
LEM [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on? What is this about a woman?
FANSHAW Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her.
PIKEY What woman? Us dunno nowt about no woman.
FITCH Put wood in't clacks. [shut up]
LEM You certain sure they's speakin normal English? Sounds downright wrong.
DOC You get used to it.
FANSHAW I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty. Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire.
LEM York-sure?
PIKEY Aye! Tykes, us'm.
FITCH Shh!
LEM That sounds like an ayup.
OLY [This has to get us something. give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen.
LEM There's that dam again. [up] If you're telling me you got no woman--
FITCH Got nowt.
LEM Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky. [thinks] See what we find.
SCABBY BILL Nae, sir, cannot.
LEM Whay's that?
SCABBY BILL um.... Ty-foy.
DOC Typhoid? Horsefeathers! Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee. Get up.
PIKEY Shant.
OLY [growl] Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!]
FITCH Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled!
AKE Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!]
SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles]
MRS. DOC Wait! Wait, all of you!
SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps]
MRS. DOC You! Sit! [noise for emphasis as she gestures]
SOUND SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE
MRS. DOC Now you! Go on!
SOUND SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE.
FANSHAW Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak. They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west.
LEM [slight snort of laughter]
FANSHAW This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well.
LEM [deep breath and sigh] Now, fellers. Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up.
FADE
SOUND OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY
SOUND BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE
BEACHUM [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere? Ye call vem leeks?
TED Best t'be had. Yon t'were parky summer. [best to be had. It was a cold summer]
BEACHUM Hmm. Right, leave em on block.
SOUND RUNNING FEET COME IN
JAMES [breathless from off] Eyup!
TED Eyup? Why'rt thee so sharp? [hello? What's wrong?]
JAMES Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped! [Finch and the guys! They've been grabbed]
TED Thas doolally, thee! [you're crazy!]
JAMES Nay! us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey-- [no! We were at the house, and they went in--]
TED [snort] All save thee? Get on. [everyone but you? Nonsense!]
JAMES Shouts! And vices. Them logmen. But else ain mair. I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em. [Shouts! And voices! Those loggers. But that's not all. I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them]
TED [decisive, grim] Roust old Git. Say tis knockin up time. [go wake up Old git. Tell him to get everyone moving.]
FADE
SOUND EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN
LARS [disgusted noise] [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.]
ARN [They better be getting her back. You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.]
LARS [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?]
KJELL [Quiet down! It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]
SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN
FREDEK [out of breath] [Come quickly! Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!]
SWEDES [Excited responses - please all record
the following, I will mix]
[my god!] Herregud!
[What happened?!] Vad hände?
[Where is Oly?] Var är Oly?
[Let's get em!] Låt oss få dem!
SOUND CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE
FADE
LEM Don't try and buffalo me, lads. I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU,
SCABBY BILL Me?
LEM Ayup. I heerd you. You talk purt near normal. Normal fer Englanders leastways.
FANSHAW Oh, thank you VERY much.
SCABBY BILL [deep over the top thick accent]
Nae, Maister. [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw
thee,
On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at?
Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee?
Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee?
LEM Cut that out. This ain't no game, feller. Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound.
SCABBY BILL [considering] Hmm.
PIKEY Wazzat? Knots 'n feathers?
SCABBY BILL Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.] [up, clearer] What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"?
DOC While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat? Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite.
LEM Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now.
SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE
LEM [sighs as he sits]
EZRA [distant] Mr. Fanshaw?
FANSHAW I am summoned. You seem to be handling things.
LEM [quiet] uh-huh.
MRS. DOC If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat?
PIKEY Wha?
SCABBY BILL Lass says tea mayhap.
PIKEY Ta!
MRS. DOC [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes] I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm.
OLY [quizzical] ya?
MRS. DOC Well. I'll just be in the kitchen, then.
SOUND WALKS OUT
LEM Checkin' her biscuits.
DOC [chuckles]
FADE
SOUND OUTSIDE
EZRA Mr. Fanshaw! There's folks coming up on you.
FANSHAW From where?
EZRA There!
FANSHAW The loggers?
EZRA And there!
FANSHAW Oh, blast.
FADE
DOC [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.
LEM [undertone] Save it fer after. Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up] You, what's yer name, anyway?
SCABBY BILL Bill.
LEM No dancin now - tell me about this woman.
SCABBY BILL [sigh] T'owd lass. Nae laikin'. [clears his throat] She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks. Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.
LEM What's her name?
SCABBY BILL Mrs. Beamish.
LEM Mrs.? Doc?
DOC I ain't never seen her.
SCABBY BILL Widder.
LEM Ayeah. So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers?
SCABBY BILL Nae, London, her'm.
SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS
FANSHAW [breathless] Lem! More are on their way, both sides.
LEM But she talks like you.
SCABBY BILL [snort of laughter] Nay! She've an accent.
FANSHAW [surprised laugh]
LEM But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted]
SCABBY BILL But mair like than nowt like. Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be. Talk.
FANSHAW [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time--
LEM So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you?
SCABBY BILL Aye.
OLY [Did they say what they did?]
LEM [slow] I'm asking. [muttred] Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain.
FANSHAW Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger.
LEM That's right fine.
FADE
SOUND Moving through underbrush
KJELL Det är huset! [There is the house!]
LARS Finns det någon död? [Are there any dead?]
FREDEK Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.]
LARS Oly? Var såg du honom? [Oly? Where did you see him?]
FREDEK Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light! In the window!]
KJELL Tyst! [Be quiet.]
FADE
TED Thas t'house?
JAMES Eh, by gum. Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window]
OLD GIT Winder wooded oop. [window is covered in wood]
JAMES [disparagin] Winder at back.
TED See owt o't'lads? [see anything of the guys?]
JAMES Within?
OLD GIT Tha reckon, young-en?
TED [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not. [this is all going to hell, like]
FADE
MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS
MRS. DOC Drink. It's more broth.
LEM Thankee kindly, ma'am. All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin.
DOC I think you've takin the edge off, anyways. Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more.
LEM At's a wonder. [sips, ahhh.]
DOC But I worry about you, feller. Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds.
LEM I cain't wish fer more. [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am. Maybe a touch more?
MRS. DOC Of course.
SOUND BUSTLES OFF
LEM [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again?
DOC What the blazes!
LEM shh. I think both have reinforcements comin. We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder.
SCABBY BILL [clears throat] We are ready to cry off. And make some talk. Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows. [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes]
LEM Sounds like a good start. You?
OLY Ya? [No fighting. Talk. Somehow.]
DOC Does that sounds peaceble enough?
LEM I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill? Go tell yer men to rein it in. [correcting] uh, step back. They's comin from out there.
SCABBY BILL Flippin 'eck! Ah'm barn. [flippin heck! I'm going]
SOUND a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS
SCABBY BILL [off, fading] Lads!
LEM Oly, your turn, old son. [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n.
OLY Ya.
SOUND FEET, DOOR
LEM [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here. See what you can do anyway.
DOC Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em
LEM I'll set em down myself.
SOUND METAL ON WOOD
LEM [quiet] Don't fret. Th'ain't even loaded.
DOC Well, I'll be!
LEM I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets. Now catch 'em up and get that woman here.
END