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19 Nocturne Boulevard

19 Nocturne Boulevard is an award-winning anthology audio drama series that ran from 2008 through 2013, and then went into deep hibernation.

STILL working on that Comeback!!

Also the creator of Fatal Girl, Bingo the Birthday Clown, The Deadeye Kid, The Lovecraft 5, The Prisoner of Hancock House, The Decadence of Borrowed Silk, Eternal Dusk Roulette, and Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.                                                        Join our awesome Patreon supporters!

Aug 26, 2022

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand...

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson
Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson

Doc - Russell Gold
Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard
Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore

The Yorkshire Miners:
Scabby Bill:  John Lingard
Will Watt
Stevie K. Farnaby
Danar Hoverson
Paul Green

The Swedish Loggers:
Oly - Lothar Tuppan
Nels - Danar Hoverson
Mark Olson
Cary Ayers
Bill Jones
Reynaud Leboeuf
Julie Hoverson

Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock

Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom
Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on
Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (
Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson

No gunshots herald his approach.
No trademark left behind him when he leaves. 
The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by -
as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.  
Some say he rides alone. 
That's the Deadeye Kid.



Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]

Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]


FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party.

LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin?

FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde.

LEM    [laugh, then coughs]

FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse.

LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there?

MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in?

LEM    [up] Yes ma'am. 


LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers.

MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--?

LEM    Anythin' ma'am.

MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh--

LEM    Go on?

MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it.

LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry.

MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel.

LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit]

MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses.

FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.



FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady.

EZRA    Are they gonna fight?

FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks. 

EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it?

FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we? 

EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil?

FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities.

EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly?

FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun.

EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees.

FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly.


FANSHAW    What?

EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight!

FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart!

MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine!

FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here.

EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart!


FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go?

EZRA    [eager] That would help ya?

FANSHAW    It would be very helpful.

EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!


LEM    They here yet?

DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet.

FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush!

LEM    [quiet] Aw hell.

DOC    What?

LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something.

DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things.

LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get.

DOC    I reckon so.

LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more.

DOC    What is it you heard?

LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind.

DOC    You think there's still trouble?

LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon.

DOC    Dag nabbit.





OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?]

KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!]

OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?]

KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.]

SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!]

OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]


FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?]

SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--]

PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.] 


JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!]

FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.]

JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!]

FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good]

PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.]

SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first]

PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.]

MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!"

JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!]

PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean.

DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN!


DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.


LEM    This's how wars get lit.

FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy?

LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin?

FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun.

LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead.


LEM    How'd they end that war?

FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse.

LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up]


FANSHAW    Don't--!

LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch.


FANSHAW    Speak of the devil!

DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts?

LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once. 

DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening?

LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her. 

DOC    I think so.

LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.



LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"]

MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead!

LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.] 

MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya.

LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?]

ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.]

FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.]

NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire.

EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels?

NELS    You!  Can you do something?

EZRA    What should I do?

NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out.

EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw.

NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?


DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand.

LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would.

DOC    You need support--

LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that.

DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case.


MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give.

DOC    Irene?

MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir?

DOC    Irene!

MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving.

DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman?

MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride.

LEM    [tries not to laugh]

DOC    I forbid it!

MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten--

DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!! 

LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us.

MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.


EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady.

FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk. 

EZRA    You do talk funny.

FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce?

EZRA    What is that?

FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag.

EZRA    Where do they get a white flag?

FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.




MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I."

SWEDES    [arguing]


LEM    [sigh]  Shut up!


LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please.



ALL    [go quiet]



Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]



LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your--

OLY    Mig?

LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us. 

SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt.

LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am.

MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right. 

DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad.

LEM    They's all still on their feet.

OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.]

LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon?

SCABBY BILL    Reckon. 




GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus!



MAN1    Keep heading downhill!

MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way!

GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion]





DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene. 

MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree.

DOC    You should never've - what?

MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband.

LEM    [quiet chuckle]

DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful.

MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar.

DOC    About me?

MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me.

LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller.

DOC    I cannot disagree.

LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am.

ALL    [laugh]



FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!]

LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!]

FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!]

ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.]

LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.]

ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.]

FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.]

NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble.

OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!]

NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down.

LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?]

OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!]



JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.]

PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?]

TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.]

FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don’t feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.]

PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.]




MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"]

GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away...




DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart. 

MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband.

DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good.


MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun.

DOC    The what?

LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am.

MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace.



FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!]

OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.]

FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!]

NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men. 

EZRA    More fighting?

FANSHAW    And this must be Nels.

NELS    And you must be from England.

FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there.

NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers.

FANSHAW    I suppose I do.

NELS    Just like a woman.

FANSHAW    I do not!

EZRA    You do a bit.

FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men?

NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot.

FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here.

EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?

NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge.

FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway.

EZRA    Mister Fanshaw!

FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought. 

EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming?

FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off.

EZRA    I can go real far off.

FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are?

EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya.

FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is.


9_teh dam



LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam?

OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!]

LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help]

OLY    Go! [Go!]

NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words?

FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late.

NELS    Ya.


FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected.

LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you.

BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English.

LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine.

BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out.

LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you?

NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service.

BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do.

LEM    Five years.  Legal.

BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye.

DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that?

LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture.

DOC    Ah!

BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em!

FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old.

NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat.

FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad!

LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to?

BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold.

DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook?

LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch. 

DOC    Well...

MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband?

LEM    Go on.

DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear?


10_grady hides



GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing]

EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man.

GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me!

MAN1    I think I heard something!



LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share".

FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again.

LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple.

DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss.

LEM    Do tell.

DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it?

BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye.

DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us.

BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then?

DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this. 

BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties.

DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house--

SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides]

DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot.

BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick.

DOC    They are the ones who need to agree.

BEAMISH    Go'ahn then.

DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat.

LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels?

NELS    [Eat] ata

LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata"

DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata".

LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.]

NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him.

OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.]

FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting.

NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för.

FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you--

LEM    Doo ah-ter fore.

OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good]

LEM    And you all?

PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.]

TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!]

JAMES    Eh, by gum.

SCABBY BILL    Ere, now!

PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.]

LEM    Good. 

DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even--


LEM    Damn!

ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!"

EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.


Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]



SCENE 1.   


LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n.

DOC    But I can help--

LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle. 


MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband?

LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us.

MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place.


DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us.

LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells.

MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you.

DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be.

LEM    I reckon I do.

DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun.

LEM    Preciate it.


SCENE 2.   

LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly.


OLY    Ja?


LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja?

OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.]

LEM    Take it.


SCABBY BILL    Thass river?

OLY    Bäck. [stream]

LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin.


LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but--

SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy.

LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em. 

SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners?

LEM    In case they ain't the villians here.

SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn.


SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn!

LEM    Now for the tricky one.

OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?]

NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well?

LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet.

OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?]

LEM    Later. After dust settles.

NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later]

LEM    Senare

OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush]

NELS    [translating] Attack from behind.

LEM    Ya.  Go on.

OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!]

LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan]


LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all.

FANSHAW    I certainly hope so. 


SCENE 3.   


OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.]

ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?]

LARS    Bah!

SWEDES     [general laughter]

OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--]


SCENE 4.   


SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee. 

PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up]

SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.]

MINERS    [general laughter]

PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!]

MINERS    [more laughter]


SCENE 5.   


OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.]

ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!]

SWEDES    [general laughter]

OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!]

FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it.

NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow--

FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy?

NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count.

FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely.


SCENE 6.   


FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.]


PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.] 

FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.]

MINERS    [general laughter]

SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.]

MINERS    [hysterical laughter]


SCENE 7.   


OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.]

LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.]

SWEDES    [approving mumble]


SCENE 8.   



PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.]

SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill--


SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked]

FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.]


SCENE 9.   


OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD!

SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD!

SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud]

DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach?


SCENE 10.   




LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last.

FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely-

LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles]

FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well.

LEM    Who was it they's up against?

FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive.

LEM    And the feller they'us after?

FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone.

LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now.

DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts?

LEM    [a bit weaker] In here!


SCENE 11.   


DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts. 

MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither.

LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth.

DOC    Good.


SCENE 12.   


LEM    Alone?

FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes.

LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit?

FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit.

LEM    One more victory for--

FANSHAW    Civilization?

LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here.

FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of.

LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own.

FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws.

LEM    Where ARE they, anyway?

FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days.

LEM    Mm.  Good.

FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though...

LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never?

FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem...

LEM    Yup?

FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this---

LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is.

FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward.

LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?