Mar 25, 2022
Our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne?fan_landing=true
What do you do when you walk into your living room and find a
demon? And he claims his name is Bob? "What kind of a place
Why it's an apartment hallway, can't you tell?"
Sherry - Angela Kirby
Bob Johnson - Gene Thorkildsen
Bob Johnston - Henry Mark
Carmelita - Kristina Yuen
Goat - himself
THE WRONG BOB
Bob Johnson, neatnik unlucky accountant
Bob Johnston, womanizing creep
Sherry Miller, nice girl, also an accountant
Carmelita, fortuneteller / sorceress
OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an apartment house hallway, can't you tell?
MUSIC SCHMALTZY, INDETERMINATE TIME PERIOD
SHERRY [Whistling, continues until noted]
SOUND RATTLE OF KEYS, KEY INTO LOCK, KEY TURNS
SOUND DOOR OPENS. A COUPLE FOOTSTEPS. RATTLE OF PAPER GROCERY BAG.
SHERRY [Whistle ends, grunt of effort]
SOUND DOOR SHUTS, LOCK CLICKS. FOOTSTEPS TURN--
BOB [Deep, scary demon voice] SHERRY!
SOUND PAPER GROCERY BAG FALLS TO FLOOR. SOMETHING GLASS SMASHES
BOB [Deep, scary demon voice, but worried tone] Shh! [then, commanding] BE QUIET!
SHERRY [Muffles herself, still squeaking, dissolves into sobs]
BOB [Worried tone] It's not what you think.
SHERRY I-- What?
BOB It's not what you think.
SHERRY I walk in to find a demon on my couch, and it's not what I think?
BOB I'm not a demon. I ...think.
SHERRY [starting to get feisty] Well, the red skin, wings, and-- and hooves! [gasp, then upset] My hardwood! [angry] Huh! Sure woulda fooled me!
BOB It's me. Bob.
SHERRY [puzzled] Bob... who? A demon named Bob?
BOB No. Bob Johnson? Next desk over?
SHERRY Anal Bob? I mean..... um....
BOB [sighs heavily] Yes. Bob Johnson.
SHERRY How can I be sure? You don't look anything like--
BOB I cleaned your kitchen while I was waiting for you to get home.
SHERRY Okay. You're Bob. How did you get in here?
BOB [abashed] Your landlord was... surprisingly cooperative.
SHERRY [working herself up] Now, two questions before I have to start screaming again--
BOB Oh, please don't--!
SHERRY How did this happen?
BOB I don't know.
SHERRY [Screaming] And why are you in my living room?
BOB [cowed] I-- I-- I thought you might be able to help. You're the only person I know who, seems to know about witchcraft and things.
SHERRY Witchcraft? Me?
BOB Well, you have a tarot card calendar at your desk.
SOUND RATTLE OF TEACUPS
SHERRY So you just woke up this way?
BOB [really down] Yes.
SHERRY And you haven't done anything truly terrible, like murder or blasphemy or anything?
BOB I...wouldn't...know? I'm not even Catholic!
SHERRY But you'd remember if you murdered anyone?
BOB [duh] Well, yes. It would probably be in my day planner.
SHERRY I really hope you're kidding.
SOUND TEA CUP SHATTERS
BOB Darn! Stupid claws.
SHERRY Don't worry about it. Look, Bob, this is serious. You have to think!
BOB I'm baffled. You know me. I don't do -- anything. I read trade journals for accounting, and watch movies about private eyes.
SHERRY You use the word "baffled" in conversation.
BOB I clean my house. I sometimes build models out of matchsticks. Once - once! - I got drunk and sang Louie, Louie at karaoke. That's-- that's about it.
SHERRY Ok, we've got to do something. I'll go to your house--
BOB 345 Canterbury Drive--
SHERRY --and look around, see if there's a gateway to the underworld, or some kind of evil fetish doll or something. Give me your keys.
BOB [apologetic] I-- don't have pockets.
BOB But I do have a key hidden in a crack under the windowsill of the third window on the left hand side of the--[fades out]
SOUND DOOR OPENS, STEPS
BOB [muffled] Over here.
SHERRY Oh. Why are you trying to hide?
BOB In case anyone came in.
SHERRY I'm the only one with a key.
BOB I didn’t know if you might have a ... guy ... or something. [quickly] Or a girl. [shrug] You know. I don't - just don't know. Sorry
SHERRY Bob. I'm not a lesbian, no matter what Fritz in acquisitions says - I just didn't want to go out with him. Way too full of himself. And I don't have a boyfriend.
BOB Oh. Sorry.
SHERRY Stop apologizing!
BOB Did you find anything that might--?
SHERRY Nope. But I did pick up your mail.
SOUND SLAPS MAIL ON TABLE
BOB Um... Could you open it for me?
BOB I can't just leave it sitting there.
SHERRY Do what you gotta do. [moving off] I need to eat something, anyway.
BOB I took all the expired food out of your fridge and threw it away.
SHERRY [from off] [sigh] Thanks.
BOB [calling] But I can't open my mail.
SHERRY [calling] What?
BOB [calling] The claws. That's why I gave up on washing your dishes.
SHERRY [off] Aw, jeez. [sigh] Okay, give me time for a sandwich.
SOUND TEARING SOUND
SHERRY [shocked] Bob!
BOB MM? What? [gasping, turning redder] Oh, goodness-- that's not mine!
SHERRY [half teasing] Like hell it isn't, you perv.
BOB It's not - look at the address. [begging] Seriously.
SHERRY Bob Johnston, 345 Canterbury Court. Sounds right, though they misspelled--
BOB I'm at Canterbury drive. Not court. And I don't have a T in my name. [agonized] I get this guy's mail all the time. [pause] I should have checked before asking you to open stuff. Sorry.
SOUND PAGES TURNING
SHERRY Hmm. Always wondered what that was for-- [snapped back to conversation] What was that?
BOB This guy. He gets my mail, I get his. I started having anything identity theft-ish sent to a p.o. box, just so it couldn't end up in this joker's hands.
SHERRY Does he get a lot of these catalogs?
BOB That one's pretty tame. They were amusing at first, but now it's like - it's like I have no spam filter. [breaks down in tears]
SHERRY Hey, Bob. C'mon, it isn't that bad.
BOB Yes it is.
SHERRY That you get the occasional catalog from a sex shop?
BOB And packages. There's a whole stack of them in the front hall closet that he hasn't come and picked up yet this month.
SHERRY Is that what those were? Packages... Are you sure they're all ... naughty stuff?
BOB No, I guess not, but what else would they be? Encyclopedias? I just see his name and toss them into the closet - plus I don't ever order anything.
SHERRY Hmm. [musing] Maybe I'll return them to him. A chance to see this creep.
BOB [down] Yeah.
BOB Apparently, despite his ... hobbies ... women seem to, well... like him. You'll probably end up liking him too.
SHERRY I'm not that easy. Just ask Fritz.
AMBIANCE LIGHT MUSIC IN BACKGROUND
SHERRY [giggles, sounds slightly drunk] and then I fell off the stage!
JOHNSTON [soooo smooth] Really? I can't imagine you being so - uncoordinated. You have such grace.
SHERRY Me? Ohh! [oh, you!]
JOHNSTON I like grace - it's so rare. And grace lasts. Like personality.
SHERRY [a little cautious] Oh?
JOHNSTON I can't help it - I take the long view on things. Think about what it might be like - you know - if we were still together years from now.
SHERRY And what do you see?
JOHNSTON Long walks on the beach. Candlelit dinners. Wow - I can - you know, you're just someone I can really talk to. [rueful chuckle] Usually I don't admit how much I like simple things...
SOUND PHONE RINGS, KEEPS RINGING UNTIL PICKED UP
SHERRY Go ahead.
JOHNSTON It can go to voice.
SHERRY Nah. I need a moment, anyway. Down the hall?
JOHNSTON On the left.
SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS GO, THEN SLOW AND STOP
SOUND HE PICKS UP PHONE
SHERRY Hmm? [stopping to listen]
JOHNSTON [slightly off, bright] You got Bob! [exasperated sigh, then angry] Look, you-- [beat] No! I don't care-- [beat] Call them. See if I care!
SOUND SLAMS DOWN PHONE
SOUND SHE TIPTOES AWAY
SHERRY [going off] Four one hundred, five one hundred, six--
SOUND [beat, then] FLUSH
JOHNSTON [muttered, like a curse] Women.
SOUND SHERRIE'S FEET, COMING BACK ON
SHERRY Wow - I just realized the time!
JOHNSTON What, but--
SHERRY Thank you so much for your ... hospitality.
JOHNSTON [cajoling] Come on, sweet thing - the night is young!
SHERRY But my mother isn't - and she expects me to bring her her medicine. Can't disappoint mom.
JOHNSTON No. Of course. Can I - see you again?
SHERRY Hmm. I think that can be arranged.
SOUND QUICK MWA GOODNIGHT KISS, THEN DOOR OPENS
SOUND PHONE RINGS
BOB Oh, crap.
SOUND PHONE RINGS SEVERAL MORE TIMES
BOB [undecided] Uhh... Stop! Go away! She's not home!
SOUND PHONE STOPS, CLICK
BOB [sigh of relief]
SOUND MESSAGE COMES ON
BOB [gasp of surprise]
SHERRY Hi! This is Sherry. Leave a message.
BOB [sigh of relief]
SHERRY [on the phone] Bob! Don't break my phone, just listen.
SHERRY [on the phone] Jeez, I hope you're there. [chuckle] Where else would he be? Right. I'm going to consult an expert. I'm just leaving Bob's place - the other Bob's place - and there's this fortuneteller shop. It's probably all a crock, but it's a place to start. So don't be surprised if I'm not home any time soon. [beat] Oh, and you're gonna owe me whatever I have to pay this fortuneteller chick.
BOB I don't have any pockets.
SHERRY [on the phone] When you're back. Normal, I mean. Bye!
SOUND PHONE HANGS UP, DIAL TONE, THEN OUT
BOB [musing] I guess in the long run, any cost benefit analysis would lean in favor of paying whatever it costs to return to normal, since I couldn't really function in my job as I am now... Oh no! Work!
SOUND FUMBLES WITH PHONE
SOUND BREAKING NOISE
BOB Oh-- drat!
AMB MID-EASTERN MUSIC
SOUND DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL
SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT HARD, NO BELL
CARMELITA One minute. Remain where you are. I must finish my communion with the spirits.
SHERRY [muttered] I'll wait for the flush.
SOUND SLOW PACING
SHERRY [listing things] Palmistry. Hmm. [puzzled] I don't even have that line. Ah well. Maybe--
SOUND A COUPLE MORE STEPS
SHERRY Tarot cards. [sigh, muttered] Jeez, Bob. You’re such a dork. [quoting jokingly] "The lovers- you will soon fall madly in love"
SOUND BEADED CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE
CARMELITA [angry] Nonsense! The lovers is a card of choice! You want love, look to cups!
SHERRY [very nervous and startled] I-I was just quoting.... An old commercial. Look, I don't mean to be... snippy or anything, I'm just... I've never done this before.
CARMELITA I accept your apology. [slight warning breath, then satisfied sigh] The spirits accept as well.
SHERRY [skeptical] Right.
CARMELITA Come. Sit. Are you looking for your future or your past?
SOUND FEET MOVE TO TABLE
SHERRY I'm actually here for a friend...
CARMELITA Ah, yes. "Your friend" - is she in some kind of trouble?
SHERRY No, no, it's a he--
CARMELITA A lover?
SHERRY Oh god no!
CARMELITA Hmm. Hold on. Give me your hand.
SHERRY Look, why don't I just tell you what's going on--?
SHERRY Fine. Here.
CARMELITA Hmm. I see. Hmm. Who does your nails? These are very nice.
SHERRY Why are you looking at my manicure rather than my palm?
CARMELITA [shrug] It is one way to tell how much help you can afford. See? I am being blunt for you, since you are a non-nonsense woman, I can see that.
SHERRY Look, this is silly. I-I'm gonna leave. How much do I owe you?
CARMELITA Stop! One card. I will show you one card, and if it does not resonate for you, then you may leave and owe me nothing.
SHERRY Fine. Go ahead.
CARMELITA Cut the deck.
SOUND LARGE CARD DECK, CUT
SOUND LARGE CARD DECK, CUT
SHERRY [sigh] Good enough?
CARMELITA I have not touched the cards, you see? Turn over that top card. The auger there will stun you.
SOUND [beat, then] CARD QUICKLY FLIPPED OVER
SOUND DOOR OPENS
SHERRY What the hell?
SHERRY You trashed my living room!
BOB [apologetic] Apparently demons have anger management issues. I'll pay you back! An Ikea gift card should cover most of it--
SHERRY What the hell got into you?
BOB [more and more miserable] I tried to call in sick, and ...broke the phone. That was sort of the last straw.
SHERRY [exasperated sigh, then cold] Did you at least get my message?
BOB [subdued] Yes.
SHERRY [beat] Aren't you curious?
BOB I'm... waiting for you to yell at me.
SHERRY I'm... I'm done.
BOB [worried] Are you sure?
SHERRY Let me guess - your mom was pretty - um - rowdy when you screwed up.
SHERRY That explains a lot. Look, I went to the fortuneteller--
BOB Can you-- I'm sorry, but, um - can you check in with the office first? [really anxious] Please? I haven’t missed a day of work in six and a half years - not since I got bronchial pneumonia that one winter.
SOUND CELLPHONE FLIPS OPEN
AMB MID-EASTERN MUSIC
CARMELITA Come to me! Come to me! I need the power! [moans and noises, but no words] I feel it! Yes!
SOUND MICROWAVE BEEPS
BOB Did they say anything?
SHERRY Not really. You got plenty of time banked. I told them you were delirious today and that's why you didn't call in.
BOB Oh, that's a good one.
SHERRY Sit, will you?
SOUND HEAVY BODY SITS, FURNITURE CREAKS
SHERRY [sigh] This chick, Carmelita - well, I didn't tell her everything. I didn't tell her much, at all, I just couldn't see how! It was ... well--
BOB Too weird?
SHERRY Kinda. The weirdest part was she had me pick a card, and it was--
BOB The Devil?
SHERRY I thought you didn't know about any of this stuff.
BOB It’s ... October on your calander.
SHERRY [sigh, then matter of fact] Anyway, I said I had a friend who was cursed, and asked about how to break curses. She said I needed to bring her something that belongs to the friend, and she could sort of diagnose the problem. Do you have anything that doesn't look all ... um... demony?
BOB Uh... what sort of things?
SHERRY Something from your body - hair, something.
BOB [worried] You want to pull some hair?
SHERRY She said it had to come straight from the source and be fresh.
BOB All right. I'll turn my back and you pull. Make it quick.
SHERRY Are you really such a total wuss?
BOB Well - um - uh - [small] I have a very low pain threshold.
SHERRY [sigh] All right. Bend down.
SOUND HEAVY NOISES AS HE MOVES
BOB OK, go.
SHERRY [exasperated sigh] All right. Brace yourself.
SHERRY No - just "man up", Bob.
BOB Wait! Something's happening!
SHERRY I haven't even started yet!
BOB [scream, which turns odd] Ahh!
SOUND SCUFFLE, BODY FLUNG, DROP, CREAKY NOISES, SCUTTLE OF HOOVES
SHERRY Oh crap.
SOUND GOAT "MAAAAA"
AMB mid-eastern MUSIC
SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN, BELL PINGS
SOUND FEET STORM IN
SHERRY [agitated, quick] Hello? Hello? Damn it, get out here!
SOUND BEAD CURTAIN MOVES SLOWLY ASIDE
CARMELITA [tired or hung over] Shush. I am not open for business.
SHERRY Your door was unlocked.
CARMELITA A mistake. Go away.
SHERRY No! Help me and I'll leave. I don't know another damn fortuneteller or witch or anything in the entire city. I have a goddam goat in my bathroom, and I need help.
CARMELITA A... goat?
SHERRY Yes. [deep breath, trying to calm down, talks quieter] Look, can we please talk?
CARMELITA [long beat, then a sigh] Sit. I will make tea.
SOUND SIPPING TEA
SHERRY Is your head any better?
CARMELITA A bit. As long as you talk quietly, it will not explode. I had a bit of a long night.
CARMELITA Oh, don't even get me started.
SHERRY Hey, I can listen, if it'll help at all. I'm not in such a rush.
SHERRY Sure. [coaxing] Come on.
CARMELITA It's a man.
SHERRY [sympathetic] Isn't it always?
CARMELITA He's a bastard. An evil bastard.
SHERRY There's plenty of 'em out there.
CARMELITA [breaking] I loved him.
SHERRY Tell me about it.
CARMELITA [teary] He is so charming. Good teeth. Good hair. Good job. [sips, then] Good catch.
SHERRY And I'll bet he knows it, too.
CARMELITA Of course. But he comes in here, saying he has a dream he wants interpreted. Says he has dreamed of me - that I, Carmelita, have haunted his dreams.
SHERRY Smooth bastard.
CARMELITA So smooth you could buff him and see your face in him.
SHERRY [a bit puzzled] Right. Smooth like glass.
CARMELITA Just like glass.
SHERRY Shiny and flat and totally transparent once you look at them the right way.
CARMELITA [laughing a bit] Yes! Just like that!
SHERRY I know just the type. So he--
CARMELITA He took advantage of my girlish heart.
SHERRY Full advantage?
CARMELITA And then, once he had his wicked way - as the old movies say - poof! He was gone.
SHERRY Screening his calls?
CARMELITA Worse. He changed his number.
SHERRY [ouch noise] ooh!
CARMELITA So I got his new address. [shrug] Spirits are good for many things.
SHERRY Yeah, but can they find you a good man?
CARMELITA [disgusted noise] They can find me a unicorn first. Good men are more scarce.
SHERRY Amen to that.
CARMELITA The charming ones are all scum. [spits]
SHERRY And the boring ones--
CARMELITA Oh, I would take boring in a heartbeat, if I could only trust him.
SHERRY Yeah, that's the trick.
CARMELITA Well. I feel a little better now. Tell me about your goat.
SOUND APARTMENT DOOR OPENS
BOB [off, muffled] Maaa!
SOUND SHE WALKS DOWN THE HALL
SHERRY We might have the answer, Bob.
SOUND BATHROOM DOOR OPENS
BOB [sad] Maa.
SHERRY Oh, goodness, Bob. That's what the paper was for. [sigh] Come on.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL
SOUND HOOVES ENTER
CARMELITA This is the goat?
SHERRY Ya think?
CARMELITA Of course. Be quiet while I channel the spirits. [hums, changing keys]
CARMELITA [humming ends] You're right - it is your goat. The agreement stands, then. Take this.
SHERRY OK. Now, Bob. You be a good goat and stay with Carmelita here. I have an errand to run.
BOB [a bit panicky] Maa?
CARMELITA Don't worry, bubula, I'm rather fond of goats.
JOHNSTON Just a minute!
SHERRY [through the door] Bob? I hope this isn't a bad time?
SOUND DOOR OPENS
JOHNSTON Oh, no! I was - this is just crazy, but I was just thinking of you! Cosmic, isn’t it?
JOHNSTON What's all that?
SHERRY Turns out there were some packages for you along with the mail today. Figured I'd ...um... [coquettish]... have another excuse to drop in.
SHERRY There's a few more, but I figure that'll keep.
JOHNSTON Here, let me get those.
SOUND WALKS, PICKS UP BOXES
JOHNSTON [grunt] Wow! How'd you get this all up here?
SHERRY I guess my mind was ....on other things.
JOHNSTON [interested, sexy] Oh?
SOUND HE GETS THE BOXES IN, THEY COLLAPSE ALL OVER THE FLOOR
SOUND SOMETHING GETS LOOSE AND ROLLS ACROSS THE FLOOR, BUZZING
SHERRY [embarrassed laugh] Oh-ho!
JOHNSTON Oh. That. That's, um, for a friend.
SHERRY I'll bet. [really laughing now] Look out! It's making a run for it!
SOUND SCOOPS UP THE TOY, TURNS IT OFF, DROPS IT INTO BOX
SHERRY You're a man of ...interesting... tastes.
JOHNSTON I won't apologize. I like to make my woman feel ...very ...good.
SHERRY A guy like you must already have a woman. Or a bunch of them.
JOHNSTON [sigh, rueful] I've been looking for so long for the right woman. The woman who can make me really want to settle down. You know? A woman who makes me want to stay home and eat the same thing every night?
SHERRY But in the meantime--?
JOHNSTON Well, nothing wrong with exercising my god-given talents. Just means that once I find this ...special... woman, I'll be an expert. Able to fulfill her every need.
SHERRY [chuckle, then quiet] Paint my house.
SHERRY Sorry. Quoting. I don't suppose you have something to ...drink ... around here?
JOHNSTON Of course.
SOUND TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS
JOHNSTON Your mother?
JOHNSTON Are you going to have to run off again?
SHERRY [muttered] You're good. [up] Bingo night.
SOUND CARDS BEING TURNED OVER
CARMELITA The Lovers. [chuckles] Strange card for a goat. What sort of choice have you made recently, do you think?
SOUND TURNS ANOTHER CARD
BOB [worried] Maa!
CARMELITA No, no, darling. [mwa!] Death is not so bad as you think. It means change - for you this is a good card in your near future. I think your friend is actually going to pull this off!
BOB [like a sigh] Maa.
CARMELITA keep your chin up. You can always stay here and be [cutesy] my little goat.
AMB LOW SEXY MUSIC PLAYS
SOUND DRINKS POUR SENSUOUSLY
SHERRY Just thinking back on the silly coincidence that got me here.
JOHNSTON Pure karma, baby.
SHERRY Could I have a bit of ice?
JOHNSTON [chuckle] You don't ice this stuff, babe. It's the heat that makes it go down so nicely.
SHERRY [suggestive] It's not for the drink.
SOUND HE GETS UP, WALKS OFF
SOUND UP CLOSE, SHE OPENS A TINY LITTLE BOTTLE, POURS SOMETHING INTO THE DRINK
SHERRY [calling, over the sounds] You might bring a whole bowl of them!
SOUND [OFF] HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, POPS OUT SOME ICE FROM A TRAY
JOHNSTON [off] You got it!
SHERRY [sigh of relief]
SOUND HE COMES BACK
JOHNSTON What happened?
JOHNSTON Did you put something in my drink?
SHERRY [trying to play it cutesy] Just a widdle wuv potion.
JOHNSTON [angry, totally breaking the mood] A what? What is it with you spooky chicks?
JOHNSTON Damn love potions and crap, seriously, what the hell is it?
SHERRY Jeez, Bob. I was joking. What crawled up your ass?
JOHNSTON Then, what? Huh? What did you put in there?
SHERRY It was just a little bubbly stuff. Here, I'll drink it. [exasperated sigh] It's just a game.
JOHNSTON You ruined perfectly good--
SHERRY It's just - I've always-- [tsk, breaks off]
SHERRY I've always had this fantasy of being a femme fatale. A bond girl. Something really naughty.
JOHNSTON [getting into it - a little] Really?
SHERRY Yeah. I was just playing.
SHERRY I didn’t think you would freak.
JOHNSTON Let's just put it down to bad experiences, 'kay? Everyone's had 'em.
SHERRY [still miffed] Right.
JOHNSTON Oh, come on - we can still share the other glass. I'll sip-- [sips] Now you.
SHERRY [giving in] All right.
SOUND A BIT OF MASHING, MUSIC UP
CARMELITA She has been gone a long time. I hope it all is all right-- oh!
SOUND WEIRD STRETCHY NOISES
BOB [moaning in agony, etc. kinda goofy]
CARMELITA Now that is fascinating. I've never actually had a chance to watch this end of a curse.
BOB [still gasping and ouchy] Oh! Goodness... Um, [gasps in shock] Don't just stare at me!
CARMELITA Why not? You're human again.
SOUND PULLING THE TABLECLOTH, DISHES RATTLE
CARMELITA Stop that!
BOB [panicking] But I'm.... nude.
CARMELITA As if I have never seen a nude man before.
BOB Um.... I've never... BEEN nude before.
CARMELITA [with interest, teasing] Oh?
BOB You wouldn’t have some pants somewhere?
CARMELITA I'll go and check. You might want to close the curtains, beefcakes.
BOB [panic] Ahh!
SOUND MORE RATTLE OF DISHES
CARMELITA [calling back as she leaves the room] Kidding!
SOUND BEAD CURTAIN PARTS
SOUND FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS
SOUND FEET ENTER
SHERRY Mission accomplished. More or less. [grunts with effort]
SOUND CREAK OF ROPE
SHERRY Don't you even try that again!
SOUND HOOVES PULLED INTO ROOM
CARMELITA How did you do it? He's one tricky bastard.
SHERRY Oh, I have a few tricks of my own--
SOUND BEAD CURTAIN MOVES A LITTLE
BOB Sherry? I'm... um... [unsure] okay now.
SHERRY Yeah. Good. [snickers] Nice loincloth.
BOB [blushing] It was all I could--
CARMELITA Oh, no you didn't! Not my mother's good apron! [commanding] You get right back in there, mister and I will find you something!
BOB Okay. Sorry!
SOUND BEAD CURTAIN SWINGS
CARMELITA Can you take my guest here through to the yard - that door, there?
SHERRY With pleasure. [grunting] Come on!
SOUND CREAK OF ROPE
CARMELITA So what did you do? Put it in his drink?
SHERRY First, what's going to happen to him? Jackass he may be, but I can't see leaving him a goat forever.
CARMELITA I'll give him a couple of weeks. Then turn him back, let him try and explain what happened.
SHERRY I can just see the Judge Judy episode where he tries to sue your pants off.
BOB [muttered] Only if you have pants...
CARMELITA She would laugh him out of court. "But really, this bitch turned me into a goat for two weeks..."
SHERRY She'd say "turned you? [slowing losing it to laughter as she goes along] The defense has a laundry list of witnesses ready to swear you already were a goat..."
CARMELITA [laughing almost hysterically]
BOB What about me?
SHERRY [calming down] Honestly, Bob. I think you'll be fine.
BOB But ...work?
SHERRY Didn’t even miss you. [backpedaling] I mean -- everyone feels you're about due for a mental health day. Or five.
CARMELITA But I still don't see how you managed it?
SHERRY Simple. You told me all about his moves. His technique.
BOB I know. Do guys really DO all that? Just to get--
CARMELITA Shh. We'll talk later, darling. [with feeling] Later.
SHERRY [chuckling a bit] So it was easy. Once I put the fizzy stuff in his drink, he got all huffy and wouldn't drink it, even though I offered to take it myself.
BOB I wouldn't either. [shuts himself up suddenly]
CARMELITA And so?
SHERRY You said he was big nibbler. I put the real potion all over my neck and shoulders. Didn’t take long before - poof!
BOB I know you've done me a huge favor here, Sherry, and I owe you plenty, but could you do one last teensy thing?
SHERRY [sigh] What’s that?
BOB Bring me some? This blanket won't get me home - at least not without being arrested.
SHERRY [sigh] Pants it is.
CARMELITA Not too quickly.
BOB [panicky] Huh?
CARMELITA There's something very... attractive about a man who already knows [intense] not to cross a witch.
CARMELITA And you’re awfully cute. At least without the hooves.
BOB Um, thanks? [up] Sherry?
SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BELL DINGS
JOHNSTON [almost a laugh] maa-aa-aa-aa!