Mar 2, 2023
When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical.
Cael - Julie Hoverson
Amalan - Krystal Baker
Mazurin - Gareth Bowley
Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Prince Tupin - Abner Senires
Music: Celestial Aeon
Project and Matti Paalanen
Editing / Sound: Julie Hoverson
Cover design: Brett Coulstock
"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a road through
dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle"
Mazurin, Evil Wizard
Cael, Amazon Warrior
Tupin, Captive Prince
Amalan, Magic Sword
OLIVIA What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell?
AMB SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS
SOUND WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE
SOUND HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER
CAEL [sigh] Typical.
CAEL I could write a ballad already.
AMALAN Oh, no. No, no, no - that's not your job.
CAEL Shh. I'm composing. [muttering to self]
AMALAN [whispered] [sigh] Typical.
CAEL Evil castle looms ahead....
Nighttime, need to rest my head--
AMALAN You can't rhyme head with ahead.
CAEL It rhymes, doesn't it?
AMALAN [exasperated sigh]
CAEL [vague threat] I'm getting another sword.
AMALAN You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me.
CAEL [exasperated sigh]
AMALAN And who could you ever pass me off to?
CAEL Someone deaf.
AMD ECHOEY CASTLE
SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN
GIGLI [coming on] Master! Master!
MAZURIN [distracted] Mm?
MAZURIN Shh-shh-shh. [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi?
GIGLI But master--!
MAZURIN [tsks] I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust.
GIGLI [flat] Why?
MAZURIN It's a vital transmutation. A change like this could make a great deal of difference!
GIGLI To a thirsty cockroach?
MAZURIN No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change--
GIGLI [sigh] Sir?
MAZURIN --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture. And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust!
GIGLI Good. Lovely. Can I report now? It's kind of urgent.
SOUND FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC.
MAZURIN [still distracted] Uh - what? Yes, of course, go ahead.
GIGLI Are you listening?
SOUND BOTTLE SET DOWN
MAZURIN [distant] Of course.
GIGLI [exasperated] Oh!
SOUND BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR
MAZURIN What? Why did you--?
GIGLI Listening now?
MAZURIN [annoyed] Yes, get on with it!
GIGLI Someone is approaching the castle!
MAZURIN [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses.
GIGLI It's an Amazon!
MAZURIN [mildly interested] Oh, that's different. [shrug] Still, the defenses...
GIGLI The moat monster is in labor.
MAZURIN I thought it laid eggs.
GIGLI Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it. And it's not best pleased about it.
GIGLI And the man-eating vines--?
MAZURIN What? I didn't do-- They're not giving birth, are they?
GIGLI Think it through?
GIGLI Man-eating vines? Amazon warrior?
MAZURIN [realizing slowly] Oh? Oh!
SOUND HOOFBEATS ON WOOD
AMALAN Cael, I don't like this.
CAEL You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle?
AMALAN [sarcastic] No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'. Of course that's what I mean! There must be a trap--
CAEL I'll keep my eyes peeled.
AMALAN Me too.
CAEL You haven't any eyes.
AMALAN Don't nitpick.
SOUND HOOFBEATS STOP
SOUND TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL
CAEL [musing] No reception committee. No moat monster.... The gargoyles?
AMALAN They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there.
CAEL Well, then.
SOUND DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS
SOUND POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR
AMALAN Subtlety. I like it.
CAEL It's what I do.
SOUND DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR
GIGLI [calling from off] Master!
MAZURIN Stop banging, Gigli.
SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
GIGLI [a little closer] They're at the door!
MAZURIN Tell them we don't want any.
GIGLI [almost here] The Amazon?
MAZURIN Oh, yes. She got through the defenses--? Oh, yes of course.
GIGLI What are you going to do?
MAZURIN Oh, the usual.
GIGLI [sigh, down] Send me to find out what she wants?
MAZURIN Good idea. Let me know what she says.
SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR
AMALAN If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses.
CAEL The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle.
AMALAN They might not know.
CAEL Yes. [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out--
GIGLI [yelling from off, above] Hail, warrior!
CAEL Hmm. Manners. [up] Who hails me?
GIGLI I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer--
AMALAN [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance?
CAEL [side of mouth] Shh. [up] I have come to face your wizard. Open the gate.
GIGLI What is your charge? Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage.
AMALAN Crooking tiers?
CAEL [tiny sigh] I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie--
AMALAN With a minor in [shudder] songwriting...
CAEL --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer--
AMALAN [muttered] Ballbuster.
CAEL [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage.
GIGLI And my boss is supposed to care - why?
CAEL The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours.
CAEL And thus have I come to reclaim him.
GIGLI Oh! Right. Hold on, I'll tell the wizard.
CAEL Where'd he go?
AMALAN Ducked behind one of those excrescences.
CAEL I didn't see any of those.
AMALAN [exasperated] The gargoyles.
CAEL So we wait for the wizard to speak.
SOUND DRUMMING OF FINGERS
AMALAN Oh, you're not--
CAEL "Green and crooked, small and beady"... [searching for a rhyme] beady? Beeeee-dy.
AMALAN Eyes are beady. He was more... seedy.
CAEL Ah! "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady".
SOUND SCRITCHING OF A PEN
SOUND SLAPPING FEET RUN UP
GIGLI [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off] Sire! She's here for him!
SOUND DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS
MAZURIN Him? Oh, well. That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and--
GIGLI You can't just hand him over!
MAZURIN Why not? Then she'll go away. Problem solved.
GIGLI [exasperated sigh] Tradition? Ring a bell?
MAZURIN Tradition? Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like--
GIGLI No! But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness. [muttered] And so she'll keep him once she gets him.
MAZURIN Oh. I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks. What does tradition say?
GIGLI I'll make you up some note cards. Want me to let her in?
MAZURIN An... Amazon? Don't they sleep in barns or something?
GIGLI I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her. I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner.
MAZURIN I will?
MAZURIN [pouting] Fine. Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes.
GIGLI [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly.
SOUND BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL
CAEL Kind of dusty, isn't it?
AMALAN Hard to keep help in an evil castle.
CAEL [agreeing] Hmm.
MAZURIN [booming voice] Dusty? Humph!
SOUND WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER.
AMALAN [doubtful] Impressive?
MAZURIN [muttered] Oh, drat.
CAEL [wiping her face] Well, that's new.
SOUND SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF
MAZURIN [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on.
AMALAN You could use it, back home.
AMALAN You could finally get your quarters clean.
CAEL Nothing. [declaring] Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed. This is my quest. [snarls] Do not stand in my way.
MAZURIN Oh, of course not.
GIGLI [hissed] Master!
MAZURIN Huh? Oh right - as long as-- um, you--
GIGLI [whispered prompting] Can overcome my challenges three.
MAZURIN --Can overcome three challenges.
GIGLI [muttered] Close enough.
CAEL Of course. Name your challenges.
MAZURIN [taken completely aback] Oh! Well--
GIGLI [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward] My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days. Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one.
CAEL Morning? Why not start now?
GIGLI Tradition, milady.
CAEL Fine. What now?
CAEL Hmm. How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time?
SOUND RINGING OF CRYSTAL
AMALAN Well, it's a guy.
CAEL He's... glass?
MAZURIN Much less irritating that way.
GIGLI [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt.
AMALAN That's a lot of contempt.
CAEL It’s rather a lot of prince. Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front. When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right?
MAZURIN That goes without saying--
GIGLI After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh. After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him.
CAEL Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton. And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him.
MAZURIN Not really.
CAEL You said something about dinner?
GIGLI More port, sire?
MAZURIN [dismissive] Yes, yes. Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy--
SOUND CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink
MAZURIN Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him--
GIGLI Your port.
MAZURIN Over there, beside the battlefield.
GIGLI [exasperated sigh]
SOUND CUP SET DOWN.
MAZURIN Where was I, oh yes, slow him--
SOUND CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW
MAZURIN --and eventually stop him.
SOUND MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN
CAEL [interested] Clever.
CAEL Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target. So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like--
AMALAN Garden gnomes?
CAEL --like so many topiary. Hmm. Not bad at all. I could even write a song about that.
AMALAN Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass.
CAEL Shut up.
MAZURIN I didn't say anything.
CAEL Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse--
AMALAN I am not cursed.
CAEL --of a sword. It talks to me.
MAZURIN Do you often hear weapons talk?
CAEL No, really. Here--
SOUND UNSHEATHES SWORD
CAEL Say something. [beat] [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me. [muttered] Don't make me look bad. [up] When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her.
GIGLI Your sword is a girl? Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive?
AMALAN Big words from a goblin, bub.
CAEL [heavy sigh] See?
SOUND WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER
GIGLI Sleep tight!
SOUND DOOR CLOSES
CAEL I can’t believe you would embarrass me that way!
AMALAN Embarrass you? Who called who cursed?
CAEL No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed.
AMALAN Oh. That's different.
CAEL How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now?
AMALAN Who cares? He's old. And evil.
CAEL He's not that old.
AMALAN And evil.
CAEL [shrug] That's his job.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET
MAZURIN [roaring] Gigli?
GIGLI Gurk! [deep breath, then bright] Yes, master?
MAZURIN What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that?
GIGLI I -- I didn't--
MAZURIN You called her a lummox!
GIGLI She was... playing you, sire! I was only defending your--
MAZURIN What? Playing what?
GIGLI Playing games. You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever! You're so smart!" [normal] blech! And you--
MAZURIN [wounded] Of course people listen to me--
GIGLI I don't.
MAZURIN [huffy] You're just a familiar.
GIGLI [muttered] Don't remind me. [up] Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier.
MAZURIN What's wrong with that?
GIGLI [sigh] You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord.
MAZURIN Oh, I really don't--
GIGLI --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you.
MAZURIN [gasp of panic]
GIGLI And when will you ever get anything done?
SOUND PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL
AMALAN So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors. So what?
CAEL It's dawn. He said dawn.
AMALAN Barely. Sit.
CAEL Nah. I'm hyped. I'm ready for something really difficult. A good fight.
MAZURIN The challenge is--
CAEL [eager] Yes?
MAZURIN Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know.
CAEL Not gonna happen.
MAZURIN I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--.
GIGLI [hissed] Cunning!
MAZURIN And cunning.
MAZURIN And...? [thinks] and... meanness?
CAEL [sigh] And the challenge?
MAZURIN Right. You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard.
AMALAN [eyeroll] Oh, jeez.
CAEL [skeptical] Are you sure?
SOUND SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS
MAZURIN Um... yes. That's the first challenge.
AMALAN You wanna tell him, or should I?
CAEL Ok, here's the deal. I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster.
MAZURIN Oh. [whispered] Would that work?
SOUND FLIPPING PAGES
GIGLI Uh-- Yeah.
CAEL Or I could--
MAZURIN [whispered] I can go on to another one.
GIGLI [whispered] Nah. You can't switch horses in midstream.
CAEL Is everything all right?
MAZURIN [up] Just a moment!
AMALAN You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard.
CAEL I still don't think he's all that evil.
AMALAN He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you.
CAEL And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops--
MAZURIN All right. We've got this settled.
AMALAN He lets his familiar be part of the decision process?
CAEL I talk to a sword. [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard?
MAZURIN Well. [ahem] Rather than have to restock my pond--
MAZURIN --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning.
CAEL What do we do for the rest of the day?
MAZURIN [at a loss] uh... well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop?
AMALAN Spare me.
CAEL That would be fascinating.
AMALAN No really, spare me!
CAEL While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh.
MAZURIN Oh, right. Of course.
AMALAN Couldn’t you leave me with the blasted goblin? At least he can hold a conversation.
CAEL Shut up.
MAZURIN What? Oh, right, the sword. Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa? Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night--
CAEL Oh, is that what that was--?
MAZURIN --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression.
CAEL [singing, but a bit shaky]
the mighty warrior calms her rage
goes into the castle dark and drear
wond'ring what sort of wicked mage
might be he that liv-ed here
and whether she would see another day!
SOUND LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE
MAZURIN [admiring] You wrote that just last night?
CAEL I - I couldn't sleep. It's not finished.
MAZURIN I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things. Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around?
MAZ and CAEL [CHUCKLE]
GIGLI [exasperated] On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop?
MAZURIN Dine? But it's hardly even dark out-- Oh! Well.
CAEL No wonder you keep lighting candles.
MAZURIN I didn’t even notice, I was so caught up--
MAZURIN Of course. Of course. Shall we?
CAEL [stretching] I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished.
GIGLI And your sword?
CAEL don't be silly. Swords don't eat. She's been awfully quiet, though.
AMALAN I have been trying to ignore you. You’re acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord.
AMALAN And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy. He's enchanting you.
MAZURIN Something wrong?
CAEL No. [thinking] Nothing.
GIGLI Sleep well. Challenge at dawn. All that.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
CAEL Check me for magic.
CAEL You're the one who said he's enchanting me.
AMALAN I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker.
CAEL So you don't really suspect a spell?
AMALAN I don't see anything out of the ordinary.
CAEL Whew. That's a relief.
SOUND BANGING ON THE DOOR
GIGLI Rise and shine! It's dawn.
SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY
GIGLI Hello? Hmm.
SOUND FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM
GIGLI Must already be down there... [mischievous] We-e-e-ell.
SOUND PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS
GIGLI Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies. Lace would ride up something fierce. What's this?
SOUND PARCHMENT UNROLLS
GIGLI [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she? Blah blah blah. "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!" [tsks, then truly rueful] Boss ain't gonna like this.
MAZURIN The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway? [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses.
CAEL OK. But this one's going to be easy too.
AMALAN Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp?
CAEL Course. I've spent my entire life around the royal stables. Horses like me.
MAZURIN Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more--
CAEL Silly! First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep. And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned. Which way?
MAZURIN Oh, um, I'll take you there.
SOUND FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS
CAEL That would be lovely. Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help?
MAZURIN I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but--
CAEL Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.
MAZURIN But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals--
CAEL Oh, he's not who I was thinking of.
MAZURIN What, who, then?
CAEL Nuh-uh. Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away.
MAZURIN [enjoying the byplay] Shall I guess?
CAEL Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you.
MAZURIN All right. Yes. You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you.
CAEL [laughs] Fine. You wanna help?
CAEL I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft...
MAZURIN Oh! [laughs himself] Oh, yes!
AMALAN [disgusted] Oh, gods.
GIGLI No, no, no, no, NO! She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part?
MAZURIN You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain. What do you think of my beard?
GIGLI Your beard? Why?
MAZURIN I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing.
GIGLI [disgusted] Dashing?
MAZURIN Makes me look a bit of a rakehell. Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe? I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.]
GIGLI Oh, you moron! [sigh] She's supposed to marry the prince.
MAZURIN [hum cuts out with a gasp] wh-wh-whatever do you mean? [Blustering, trying to laugh] What? Ha-ha-ha. [losing momentum, starting to wind down] What did you think I was ... doing?
GIGLI I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear. She has to get the prince back and marry him.
MAZURIN She has to--
GIGLI Said "Princess Cael" big as life.
SOUND CAEL GETTING DRESSED
AMALAN Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it. No one likes a smelly Amazon.
CAEL Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise?
AMALAN Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions?
CAEL Um, yes...
AMALAN The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes?
CAEL [overly casual] Yes. Did I pack it?
AMALAN I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?"
AMALAN How can you stand him? He's so dull!
CAEL Dull? What do you mean?
AMALAN I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes. Turning locusts to aspic. That was much more boring.
CAEL It was not. It's important magic. He's very clever.
AMALAN Clever like a fox. No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it. I means he's deliberately being disarming,
CAEL Speaking of disarming...
SOUND BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND
AMALAN What are you doing?
CAEL Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you.
CAEL No reason I'd need a sword at dinner. Even with an evil wizard.
SOUND EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES
MAZURIN [heartfelt heavy sigh]
TUPIN [mouth full] So where's this princess? She one of those who likes to make an entrance? Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh? Is she hot?
GIGLI [muttered] I'd actually forgotten--
SOUND BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS
MAZURIN [deeply affected - she looks good] Oh.
TUPIN [eating stops, swallow] That her? Man, she's kinda chunky. And old.
GIGLI Oh, for a hammer.
SOUND [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER
MAZURIN [barely able to talk] You look - very nice. Very.
TUPIN Aren't you a little underdressed?
CAEL I - who? [whispered] Who is that?
GIGLI You don't recognize him?
CAEL Oh, the prince! Greetings, your highness. So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down.
MAZURIN Have a seat, milady?
CAEL Thank you so much, kind sir.
TUPIN I don't have to stand. I'm royalty.
TUPIN That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything. Princes don't have to stand.
GIGLI [whispered] Please let me leave, boss. I'm gonna kill him.
CAEL I didn't mean anything--
MAZURIN [whispered] Go, then.
GIGLI As you command.
SOUND QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR
TUPIN Well, you sounded very critical. I don't put up with that from anybody. Not even other royalty.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
AMALAN Who's there?
GIGLI Where is it...?
SOUND SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH
AMALAN Unhand me!
GIGLI Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword... Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle]
AMALAN Prince Tupin?
GIGLI Yeah. What a prize.
AMALAN That bad? Is he - of course! He's awake, isn't he?
AMALAN Oh, man, and I'm missing it.
GIGLI If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar.
AMALAN Nah. She's under strict orders.
GIGLI Yeah, I know.
AMALAN You know.... what?
GIGLI Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things. He was really disappointed, you know.
AMALAN Disappointed? Your master? Why?
GIGLI That your princess will be marrying the prince.
AMALAN Big whoop. She has to marry someone. Besides, it's years off.
GIGLI Yeah, but he-- Nothing.
AMALAN He what?
GIGLI It's kind of amazing, really. Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell. And then finding out she's spoken for.
AMALAN He's interested in the princess? That's kind of creepy.
GIGLI Why? He may be a wizard, but he is a man.
GIGLI Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes. You should be more supportive.
AMALAN You're a perv too. The princess is only 13!
GIGLI [blink blink] She's really tall, then.
AMALAN Huh? Have you even seen the princess?
GIGLI [halting] Your... lady warrior?
AMALAN Oh, heck no. The princess Cael is-- Oh! You thought my boss was the princess? Gads! Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight?
GIGLI Oh? Oh! I've got to tell him!
SOUND SLAPPY FEET
AMALAN Wait! You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up.
GIGLI [snorts] He wouldn't know how to begin. Short of turning her to aspic...
CAEL With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks.
MAZURIN [a bit negative] Back?
MAZURIN [grumpy] Why?
CAEL [a bit deflated] To... return the horses?
MAZURIN Oh, of course. [lying badly] I may not be here. I have a big trip coming up. But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep...
CAEL [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them.
SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN
GIGLI Sire! There has been a grave error!
MAZURIN [sharp] What?
GIGLI It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince?
CAEL He fell asleep. I think he ate too much.
GIGLI [chuckles] I'll bet. Good one, sire.
MAZURIN What is your news, mannikin?
GIGLI Ah, yes. Um, can you come over here, maybe?
CAEL I can... leave.
GIGLI No! [urging] Master?
MAZURIN Just spit it out.
GIGLI [whispered] She's not the one.
CAEL Not the one what?
MAZURIN Not? What?
GIGLI Arrying-may the ince-pray.
CAEL Your goblin has lost its mind.
MAZURIN Not marrying the prince? You're not marrying the prince?
CAEL Me? Oh, gods no!!
MAZURIN But he saw--
GIGLI Princess Cael is marrying him.
CAEL Yeah. She's my cousin. It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday. Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then?
MAZURIN Not you?
CAEL No. [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him. Besides, he's years younger than me.
MAZURIN Then you can marry anyone you want?
CAEL Once I successfully complete my quest. That's kind of why I took it.
MAZURIN [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind?
CAEL [suddenly shy] No. Why?
MAZURIN Nothing. Just--
GIGLI This is disgusting. Just kiss her.
CAEL But there's a third test--?
MAZURIN Oh, yes...
GIGLI [eye roll] The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win. Kiss her.
MAZURIN [excited] Can we do that?
GIGLI The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored. ...And tradition.
CAEL We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest. There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back.
GIGLI Now there's an idea...
MAZURIN Perhaps an escort would be helpful? Hmm?
CAEL ...and a cart. Then he could sleep the entire trip!
GIGLI Poor princess.
CAEL She throws things. I think they're actually well matched.
MAZURIN [giddy] Well, perhaps a toast?
CAEL And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime.
MAZURIN Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip.
GIGLI [disgusted moan]