Three Exes For Xmas by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week)
Dec 15, 2022
[warning - mature language and violence]
Carla Skray, CEO of Tammuz Inc., chief exploiter of hordes of
unliving workers, finds herself "haunted" by
her ex husbands - returned as the same zombies she employs...
Cast List
Carla Skray - Julie Hoverson
Robbie - Scott C. Wentworth
Monica - Melissa Pang
Tick - Frankenvox
Amy - E. Vickery
Phil - Ayoub Khote
Rick - Reynaud LeBoeuf
911 Operator - Jacquie Duckworth
VOICE BOX - Tanja Milojevic
(Lightning Bolt Theater
of the Mind)
Stock Reporter
Marianne Coleman-Hipkins
Kathy - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard
Fred, on the phone, Newscaster -
Russell
Gold
Additional zombies:
John
Lingard
Sidney
Williams (Fear on
Demand)
Michael
Hudson
Robyn
Keyes
and the
zombie chorus...
Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com)
Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson
Cover Design: Brett Coulstock
"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a corporate office, can't you tell?"
******************************************************************************************
THREE EXES FOR XMAS
Cast:
[Opening credits - Olivia]
CARLA Skray (posh 50s), rich industrialist
ROBBIE (20s), her fourth boytoy husband
AMY (20s), his girlfriend
MONICA (30s), Carla's personal assistant
TICK (30s), Carla's go-to guy
ZOMBIE PHIL (dead but 20s), Carla's first husband
ZOMBIE RICK (dead but 20s), Carla's second husband
Emergency OPERATOR (any)
NEWSCASTER (any)
FRED (any), on the phone
KATHY (any) businesslike
VOICE BOX
OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a mansion in a very posh part of humantown, can't you tell?
MUSIC
SCENE 1. CARLA'S OFFICE
SOUND LOW MUSIC
CARLA The zombies in agricultural sector eight are refusing to comply with the new work orders? [incredulous] Refusing? You mean they're - they're going on strike?
FRED [on monitor] I know it sounds wild, but--
CARLA Wild? Wild! It sounds like they've lost what little is left of their tiny maggot ridden minds!
FRED They're asking for a slight wage increase--
CARLA Never! And to think I was kind enough to create jobs for those rotting bastards in the first place!
FRED They want--
CARLA I don't care what they want! I want a twenty-year old's ass, but that's not gonna happen either!
FRED I'll tell them--
CARLA Nothing. Don't even bother. Seal off sector 8 and turn off the chum.
[note: chum, from the word for "minced up meat poured in the water to attract sharks", is basically what zombies "eat".]
FRED There's hundreds of--
CARLA [venomous] Decaying dead bodies. Nothing more. The fact that they have volition is utterly inconsequential. The council has held they have no rights. Who am I to go against the law?
FRED That might change sooner than you think.
CARLA Just do it. Off.
SOUND SCREEN GOES OFF
ROBBIE [teasing] A twenty year old's ass? Does that mean mine's not good enough any more?
CARLA [completely different] You've still got a coupla good years in you, Robbie honey. Come and give me a neck rub.
ROBBIE Absolutely, boss lady.
CARLA [grrrow] You know what it does to me when you call me that.
ROBBIE Of course.
SOUND BEEP
MONICA [on monitor] Ma'am? The massage therapist is here.
CARLA [exasperated noise] Give me a minute, I need to freshen up.
ROBBIE [sexy] Does that mean what I think it does?
CARLA Not today, sweetass. [walking away] You run along and make sure to have a nice hot bath ready for me - say in about an hour?
SOUND HIS FEET LEAVING, WE FOLLOW HIM
ROBBIE Right.
CARLA [off, calling] Make it an hour and a half.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
ROBBIE [quietly, fuming] Yes master.
SOUND HE WALKS AWAY, OPENS ANOTHER DOOR
NO MUSIC TO CHANGE
SCENE 2. MONICA'S DESK
MONICA Is she ready?
ROBBIE A couple minutes.
AMY [surprised] Robbie?
ROBBIE Shh. [loud, hearty] Hey, Amy. Nice to see you.
AMY Robbie, what--?
ROBBIE [worried, rushed undertone] What are you doing here?
AMY Outcall. Do you think I bring the table along for social visits?
ROBBIE Are you nuts?
AMY [shrug] Agency sent me. It's good money.
ROBBIE That's my - my wife in there.
AMY [teasing] Oh! I thought you just worked here.
ROBBIE I do, but--
MONICA [calling] She's ready for you now.
ROBBIE Shit. You should get outta here.
AMY [reassuring] She can’t know. Why should she?
ROBBIE Please...
AMY Don't worry!
CARLA [on intercom] Monica, wrap it up out there and take the rest of the day.
MUSIC
SCENE 3. TICK'S OFFICE
SOUND NEWS IN OVER MUSIC
NEWS PERSON Stock in Tammuz National went up three points today with the announcement of yet another advance in preservation technology. Keep your zombie workers fresher longer!
[note: Tammuz was a Mesopotamian god of rebirth or on-going life]
SOUND COMMERCIAL STARTS, TV TURNS OFF
TICK [talking on phone] I received your package yesterday. I appreciate your promptness. Did you want to add anything to the instructions? [listens for a minute] [chuckles] Don't worry. "Accidents" happen every day.
MUSIC
SCENE 4. CARLA'S OFFICE
SOUND NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
CARLA [moans]
SOUND MASSAGE NOISES, PATTING, FINAL BIT, SMOOTHING
AMY There. Sit up slowly.
CARLA [deep breath, stretching noises] You're quite good.
SOUND THINGS BEING PUT AWAY IN A CASE
AMY Thank you. I hope you'll call on my services again.
CARLA Oh... I don’t think so.
AMY Hmm?
CARLA And neither will anyone else in my... household. I hope you understand?
AMY [slightly worried] No...?
CARLA [sigh] Come. You need to see this.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
AMY The bathroom?
CARLA [chuckles]
SOUND LIGHT SWITCH ON
CARLA I think you'll find it very interesting.
AMY [sigh] Ok, but I should get going... Why are we in here?
CARLA Easy to clean.
AMY Huh?
CARLA [grunt of effort]
SOUND THROAT SLIT
AMY [gurgling, dying]
SOUND OPENS CABINET, LARGE METAL THING BROUGHT OUT, SET DOWN ON TILE, GARBAGE BAG OPENED AND FLUFFED OUT
CARLA Pity really. You've got excellent hands. Ah well. I'm sure someone will make good use of them.
[NOTE: AMY's body is the body Tick gives to Ben in Zombi to dispose of.]
SOUND HORRIBLE JUICY SAWING NOISES BEGIN
MUSIC
SCENE 5. ROBBIE AT HOME
AMY [on filter] Leave a message! Now! Wait, no, leave it now!
SOUND BEEP
ROBBIE Call me soon-- [cuts himself off suddenly]
SOUND DOORKNOB
SOUND PHONE SLAMS SHUT
SOUND DOOR OPENS
ROBBIE Got your bath. Let me run a bit more hot.
CARLA Oh, that. [dismissive] I showered in my office.
ROBBIE [trying to hide his disappointment] Oh?
CARLA A little problem came up.
SOUND POURING A DRINK
ROBBIE [very anxious] How was... the massage?
CARLA [sighs, then casual] You stupid boy.
ROBBIE Huh?
CARLA You think I don't know every little thing you do?
ROBBIE What do you mean?
CARLA It wasn't an accident that I ordered that particular young woman for my massage.
ROBBIE Oh.
CARLA And you won't be seeing her again. Ever.
ROBBIE But-- I... I don't--
CARLA She's on the next train. Out.
ROBBIE Where--?
CARLA Unimportant. Whatever's leaving. It's amazing what a large sum of money will do to motivate people.
ROBBIE [bereft] But... why?
CARLA You're mine, Robbie darling, and I don't share my toys. When you're my ex-, you can sleep with any piece of tail you can catch.
ROBBIE [very down] Right.
CARLA [spitefully seductive] Now come over here and give mama some sugar.
MUSIC
SCENE 6. TICK'S OFFICE
SOUND COMPUTER KEYS
SOUND BEEP
TICK [annoyed sigh] Who the--?
SOUND CLICK
TICK Figures.
SOUND CLICK, OPENS FEED
TICK Madame chairwoman. Every time I see your face, I hear the sound of money.
CARLA Doesn't everyone? [dry chuckle] It's a week til christmas. You know what that means?
TICK Hmm? [snide] And I didn't get you anything.
CARLA Hah! [urgent] Only two weeks until the New Year, and the vote on zombie rights.
TICK Ah. I knew it couldn't be peace on earth, good will to man.
CARLA Good will is precisely my problem. Things have been very good - very peaceful - recently, and people are feeling ...chummy. Generous.
TICK [mock concern] Are you melting yet?
CARLA There's a point where even you get tiresome, Tick.
TICK Well, let's speed this up, then. Tick tock tick tock.
[TICK is his nickname because of his tendancy to push people by saying "tick tock" - this might need to change]
CARLA I need an incident. [sarcastic] Am I speaking to the right person?
TICK [derisive snort [duh]] What are you looking for?
MUSIC
SCENE 7. MONICA'S OFFICE
ROBBIE [bored sigh] Is she in?
MONICA Just a moment. [to phone] Read that back?
ROBBIE It's a simple question!
MONICA Shh! [to phone] Yes, that sounds perfect. Both packages. Good. I'll be expecting delivery.
SOUND PHONE CLICKS OFF
MONICA Sorry about that. A supplier who's very hard to get ahold of. [change subject] She's out right now.
ROBBIE I'll wait inside.
MONICA I'm sorry. Ms. Skray left specific instructions--
ROBBIE [whining a bit] I'm her husband, dammit.
MONICA Very specific instructions.
MUSIC
SCENE 8. ZOMBIE WAREHOUSE
SOUND LOW VAGUE MOANING NOISE OF MANY ZOMBIES
CARLA [going down a line] No. No. Maybe. Hmm. [dubious] Maybe. No. No. No. No. [sigh] Is this everything?
KATHY They're the freshest we've got. [joking in poor taste] It's not like we can make them to order.
CARLA [as if she's considering it] Hmph. Have those two cleaned up and put in jumpsuits. Make sure they get muzzled and thoroughly shellacked. I dislike finding bits lying about.
MUSIC
SCENE 9. CARLA'S OFFICE
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
ROBBIE [whining a bit, slightly drunk] Where've you been?
CARLA [cold] Working. Keeping you in that expensive brandy.
ROBBIE Only [checks] half a bottle.
CARLA How... highbrow. You really should take better care of yourself, Robbie dear. You're starting to lose your charm.
ROBBIE [breaking down] You don't love me anymore.
CARLA I didn't marry you for love, little boy. You're eye candy and good in the sack. Nothing more. And nothing at all, once you stop fulfilling those functions.
ROBBIE You bitch! You said I was special!
CARLA [maddeningly calm] I made you special. Now you're being common. You think you're the first?
ROBBIE What?
CARLA I've had others before you. And I'm sure there will be more after you're gone.
ROBBIE [panicky] Gone? Where?
CARLA [dismissive] Wherever broken toys go.
MUSIC
SCENE 10. TICK'S OFFICE
TICK [on phone] Yes. I found the two you requested. [listens] Very lucky. You have what I need? Good. [sighs, listening] Yes. That's the day. Just call me santa claus.
MUSIC
SCENE 11. MONICA'S OFFICE
MONICA Merry Christmas.
CARLA [passing through] Whatever. Have there been any calls from Tick?
MONICA [slightly worried] From... Tick?
[note: monica is behind the appearance of the two dead husbands, and tick is working for both of them. This just hints at that]
CARLA He's handling something for me.
MONICA [relieved] Oh! For you. No. Not yet.
CARLA Get him.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, CARLA MOVES INTO HER OFFICE
MONICA [calling after her] Robbie was looking for you. Again.
CARLA [dismissive noise]
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
CARLA [musing] Seems it's just about trade-in time.
SOUND CHAIR PULLED OUT, COMPUTER OPEN
MONICA [on SCREEN] Tick. For you.
CARLA Good. You can go. [beat] Leave.
MONICA Merry Christmas!
TICK She's a bit early.
CARLA I've already given her tomorrow off. Where is my incident?
TICK Open the news.
SOUND CLICK, SCREEN COMES UP
NEWSCASTER --near-riot when a guard fell off the wall near treadmill sector 5. A crowd of mobiles were subdued only after a protracted assault. The guard was not recovered.
CARLA [satisfied] Ahhhh.
TICK And my money?
SOUND CLICK
CARLA Open your account.
TICK [very satisfied] Merry Christmas.
CARLA Are you "doing something" for the holiday, or can you take on another little disposal job if I need you?
MUSIC
SCENE 12. CARLA'S HOME
ROBBIE [distant, calling out] Hello? Hello? Where is everyone?
CARLA I've given them the holiday off.
ROBBIE [coming in] Look, I've been thinking, and if you want me to go, I'm fine with that.
CARLA Go? Just when I thought we might spend the weekend "reconnecting?"
ROBBIE Really?
CARLA Of course. I have something very special planned for you.
ROBBIE Oh. [ashamed] And all I got you was chocolates.
SOUND OPENS BOX, MUSIC BOX PLAYS
CARLA How... cute. [guarded] Why does that remind me of... something?
ROBBIE I don't know. Monica said you would like it.
SOUND SHUTS BOX, SETS IT DOWN
CARLA [brisk again] Well. Don't worry - I'll think of something you can do to make it up to me. [chuckles]
SOUND GUNSHOT
CARLA Like... go quietly.
ROBBIE [gurgles]
SOUND BODY DROP
CARLA Damn. You moved.
SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS
ROBBIE [trying to make words] No, no! please!
SOUND HAND GROPES ACROSS FLOOR
CARLA It'll be easier if you don't fight it--
SOUND DOORBELL
CARLA Oh, bother. If they heard the shot.... [determined hmph]
ROBBIE [gurgling]
CARLA [brightly] Don't go anywhere!
SOUND SHE STRIDES AWAY
MUSIC
SCENE 13. CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR
SOUND DOOR OPENS
CARLA Yes? [quizzical] Hello?
SOUND SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS
PHIL [zombie moaning]
CARLA [annoyed noise] euch. [talks very slow] You go. Not hiring.
SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
PHIL [moan ends on a quizzical note]
CARLA [recognizing him] What the--? Phil? [freaking, but trying to talk slow] Go. Go now. Calling security!
SOUND DOOR SLAMS
CARLA [breathing a little heavily] Poor bastard. [deep breath, then snide] And poor Robbie.
SOUND SHARP FOOTSTEPS
CARLA Robbie, dear, are you dead yet?
SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP
SOUND GUN COCKS
CARLA [a bit worried] Robbie? Damn it, it wasn't that bad a shot.
ROBBIE [distant scream]
CARLA Ah. Better than a blood trail.
SOUND CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS
SOUND DOOR PUSHED OPEN
SOUND NASTY CHEWING NOISES
RICK [mushy zombie moan]
ROBBIE [weak] Help me!
CARLA [disgusted] Sorry Robbie. Tiny gun like this is only good on soft tissue. Won't even crease a skull. I'll go get something bigger.
RICK [LOUD MOAN]
CARLA [dismissive] Filthy rotting thing.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS
CARLA How in blazes did it get in, anyway?
SOUND COMPUTER TURNS ON, TYPING
CARLA What the-- [offended] No connection! Some bastard's hacked my system! Fine. You think you can screw with me?
SOUND SLAM HAND ON KEYS
CARLA [dangerous] You've got another think coming.
MUSIC
SCENE 14. CARLA'S HOME, WHERE THE ZOMBIE IS
VOICEBOX Now she will find her guns are useless.
RICK [moaned] What about him?
VOICEBOX Were you in time?
RICK [moaned] Don't know.
VOICEBOX We'll soon see.
MUSIC
SCENE 15. CARLA'S HOME, UPSTAIRS
SOUND DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, SEARCHING
CARLA What the blazes?
SOUND DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, PULLED OUT ON FLOOR
CARLA Who's been in here?
SOUND COMPUTER OPENS, TAP A FEW KEYS
CARLA Shit! Nothing!
SOUND SLAMS THE KEYS
CARLA [deep breath] There's always an answer.
SOUND OPENS PHONE, PUNCHES NUMBERS
TICK [on phone] Yes?
CARLA [intense, trying for calm] Need help now.
TICK Bit early for cleanup.
CARLA There are... mobiles... on my property.
TICK [indifferent] Call security.
CARLA What? How can you--?
TICK I make deliveries. I push things into place. I don't ride up on a white horse and save anyone. Call the cops.
SOUND HANG UP
CARLA Bastard!
SOUND DIALS AGAIN
SOUND BUSY SIGNAL
CARLA What the‑‑?
SOUND DIALS AGAIN
SOUND RINGS
OPERATOR [weary] What is the nature of your emergency?
CARLA Zombies!
OPERATOR [bland, sigh] Of course. Are they in your house?
CARLA How can you be so calm? They're after me!
OPERATOR Ma'am. It's my job to be calm. Now why don't you take a deep breath and get some calm, yourself.
CARLA Do you know who I am?
OPERATOR Carla Skray, 118 north ridge road--
CARLA I am the CEO of Tammuz.
OPERATOR I'm very sorry madame CEO, but all units are currently engaged at the riot.
CARLA Riot? What riot?
SOUND THUMP ON DOOR
OPERATOR The zombie riot. They’re very upset over the ...incident... this afternoon.
SOUND LOUDER THUMP
CARLA They're at the door!
OPERATOR Ma'am, trust me when I say zombies are just as afraid of you as you are of them.
CARLA That doesn't help!
OPERATOR I can put you on the list, but we suggest you get into a bathroon, your car, or some other lockable enclosed space.
SOUND HANG UP, DIAL TONE
CARLA Bitch. You're SO fired come Monday. [musing, calmer] Car. Yes.
SOUND HEAVIER THUMP, DOOR SHUDDERS
CARLA [almost cheery] Not that way.
SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, CURTAIN MOVES
CARLA Hmm. I would have expected a crowd.
SOUND WINDOW SHOVED UP
SOUND THUMP ON DOOR, DOOR SPLINTERS OPEN
CARLA Damn. No shoes. Fine.
SOUND SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS ENTER
RICK [moaning] Carla.
CARLA [grunts as she climbs out the window]
RICK [moving closer] Carla.
CARLA [looking over her shoulder] [musing] Along the ledge to the tree.
RICK Carla.
CARLA What? [suddenly realizing] Rick? What in blue blazes is this?
RICK Carla.
CARLA Reunion later, darling. For now, you can go to blazes.
SOUND FOLLOWS HER OUT THE WINDOW INTO THE NIGHT
NO MUSIC
SCENE 16. CARLA'S HOME, ON LEDGE OUTSIDE
SOUND CREAKS AS SHE MOVES ALONG THE LEDGE
CARLA [grunts] Just a little farther...
SOUND RUSTLE OF LEAVES
CARLA [spiteful laugh]
RICK [off] Carla!
CARLA and... GO!
SOUND HEAVY RUSTLE AS SHE JUMPS INTO THE TREE
CARLA Now I merely have to get down. [almost amused] Or I could just stay here - it's not as if they climb. [back on track] No. Better safe. And quickly.
SOUND CELLPHONE RINGS
SOUND STARTLED SCUFFLE
CARLA [panicky] Shit!
SOUND RINGS AGAIN
CARLA Yes. Yes!
SOUND FUMBLING WITH PHONE, ALMOST DROPS, CATCHES, FINALLY ANSWERS
CARLA [almost breathless] Yes!! Hello?
MONICA [phone] Ms. Skray?
CARLA Monica? What do you want?
SOUND WIND, CREAK OF TREE
MONICA I left some papers in your desk. I'm so sorry - I know you wanted them--
CARLA Get your ass over here. I'll meet you out front of the house.
MONICA I... [puzzled] um...All right.
MUSIC
SCENE 17. CARLA'S HOME, OUTSIDE IN CAR
SOUND CAR PULLS IN AND STOPS.
SOUND XMAS MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY ON CAR STEREO
SOUND BEEP, PHONE HANGS UP
MONICA [Humming to herself]
SOUND QUICK TAP ON WINDOW
MONICA [gasp of surprise]
SOUND ELECTRIC WINDOW ROLLS DOWN
MONICA I was gonna come on up!
CARLA Open the bloody door. We're getting out of here.
MONICA Huh?
CARLA Quickly!
SOUND DOOR LOCKS OPEN
MONICA Okay.
SOUND DOOR YANKED OPEN, CARLA CLIMBS IN.
CARLA Just get me out of here.
SOUND DRIVING
MONICA Will this take long? I'm supposed to meet my brother--
CARLA I'm your boss. Your brother has two good feet, doesn't he?
MONICA Well--
SOUND CAR SLOWS, STOPS, CLICKING SOUND
CARLA What the hell are you doing--? Don't stop!
MONICA The gate isn't opening.
CARLA What?
MONICA It opened when I came in.
CARLA What is wrong with everything tonight?
MONICA I'll call the police.
CARLA Fat lot of good that will do.
MONICA What do you want me to do?
CARLA You wouldn't have a gun or anything, would you?
MONICA Huh?
MUSIC
SCENE 18. CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR
SOUND HOUSE DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, CAREFULLY
MONICA Do you see anything?
CARLA Shh!
MONICA Do you really need me? My brother--
CARLA Your brother, your brother! What about your employer? The one who authorizes your generous paychecks?
MONICA Of course. I just haven't seen him in three years.
CARLA Stay close and keep your eyes peeled.
SOUND CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS
MONICA What am I looking for?
CARLA Zombies.
MONICA Oh. Weren't we looking for the gate opener?
CARLA Small white box. Should be right there on the counter.
MONICA There's nothing there.
CARLA Crap.
SOUND DISTANT MOANING
CARLA They're all over the place!
MONICA You mean they're really in your house? What about your security?
CARLA You think you're surprised? There's at least two, maybe three of them.
SOUND STEPS INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR
MONICA Three? [gasp - a bit horrified - she knows what that means] Ohh. [almost a stifled sob, then] Where else would the opener be?
CARLA Over here. Keep an eye out.
MONICA For what?
CARLA [grim] Anything that moves.
MONICA [gasp]
CARLA What?
MONICA Should we be watching for... blood?
CARLA [concerned] Not over there.
SOUND QUICK STEPS, THEN SLOW.
SOUND MUSIC BOX PLAYS
CARLA [gasp] How could he have--?
MONICA At least there's no zombies.
CARLA Shut up!
SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS
CARLA Phil? Come out, you filthy maggot.
MONICA [dark subtext] Who's Phil?
CARLA Nothing that concerns you. Watch out there and make sure nothing rotting sneaks up on me.
MONICA Okey-dokey.
SOUND STEPS, DOOR CLOSES
CARLA [dismissive noise] Damn that musicbox. I should have realized.
MUSIC
SCENE 19. CARLA'S HOME, ELSEWHERE
ZOMBIE RICK Ready yet?
VOICEBOX Not yet. How is number three?
ZOMBIE RICK I look.
[number three is Robbie, who is turning into a zombie]
MUSIC
SCENE 20. CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR
SOUND MUSIC BOX SLAMS SHUT
CARLA [muttering to self] If I thought those undercooked potatoes were capable of planning, I might think this was some sort of game.
ZOMBIE PHIL Carla.
CARLA Hah! Phil. You've let yourself go.
ZOMBIE PHIL You killed me here.
CARLA And you made such a mess.
ZOMBIE PHIL You did this.
CARLA [taunting] I'm sorry, can you speak a little clearer? No? Well, I never married you for scintillating conversation.
SOUND GRABS LAMP
CARLA Come a little closer, sweetcheeks.
ZOMBIE PHIL Carla....
SOUND SWING AND THUMP, SQUISH, BODY FALL
ZOMBIE PHIL ohhhh.
CARLA Never were the sharpest pencil in the box, Phil. Ungh! [Starts to swing the lamp again]
SOUND DOOR OPENS
MONICA Incoming! [shocked] What are you doing?
CARLA Who's out there?
ZOMBIE PHIL [miserable moan]
MONICA A... mobile. I don't know. Were you going to hit that one? [like if she was going to kick a dog]
CARLA Purely self defense.
ZOMBIE PHIL [whimper]
MONICA But he's not doing anything now.
CARLA It is playing you.
MONICA Let's just get out of here. Security can remove them without--
CARLA What are you, a sympathizer?
MONICA If there's a lot of them, killing one would just make them mad! There are laws, you know.
SOUND LAMP SET DOWN
CARLA Fine. We'll just lock him in here, and let justice take its course.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
MONICA All clear.
CARLA Bye, Phil.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
SOUND NOISE OF OVERHEAD SPEAKER COMING ON
VOICEBOX [over tannoy] Carla Skray. Murderer.
CARLA [gasp of fury]
MONICA Huh? What do they mean?
CARLA When did you start listening to anonymous callers?
VOICEBOX [over tannoy] Rick Thompson, your first husband.
CARLA Whoever that is, they have to be in the security office! Come on.
SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS
VOICEBOX [over tannoy] No one has heard from Rick in six years.
MONICA [hustling] Did you--?
CARLA [hustling] Rick left. We divorced in absentia.
MONICA So the voice--?
SOUND FEET STOP
CARLA If you're going to start questioning me, you might as well leave my house and take your chances with the rotting hordes that might be out there.
MONICA [gasp, then small] I-- I didn't mean to accuse you.
CARLA You might still be employed tomorrow.
SOUND STOMPS OFF.
MUSIC
SCENE 21. CARLA'S HOME, WITH ZOMBIES
ROBBIE [gasp awake, then thickly] What happened?
RICK You're one of us now.
ROBBIE A... zombie?
RICK An exxxxx.
MUSIC
SCENE 22. CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR
VOICEBOX [tannoy] Phil Carter. Husband number two.
MONICA [whispered, straining] I don't see anyone.
CARLA Someone has to be in there.
MONICA [nervous] Should we go in?
CARLA Take another look.
MONICA [gasp]
VOICEBOX [tannoy] Disappeared three years ago, after a mere two years of [sarcastic] wedded bliss.
CARLA This asswipe is going down.
MONICA [whispered] I still don't see- [gasp] There!
CARLA What?
MONICA Right beside the door, just a shadow - he's standing just out of sight! We should just go!
PHIL [off] Carla!
CARLA How the--? Didn't you lock that door?
MONICA I thought I did!
RICK [off] Carla!
CARLA Of course, it would be Rick too.
MONICA They're coming from both sides!
CARLA Whoever's in there is behind this!
SOUND RATTLE OF KNOB
MONICA It's locked!
CARLA Here, let me!
SOUND GUNSHOT
SOUND THUMP
CARLA Ow!
MONICA Did you see where that came from?
CARLA My arm! I've been shot!
MONICA It went right by me! I swear I felt it!
CARLA [groan] You think one of them can hit the broadside of a barn?
MONICA Maybe there's someone else. [muttered] Someone who hasn't been murdered.
CARLA Can you see anyone--
SOUND CLICK
MONICA [gasp] Not now I can't! The lights!
CARLA We need to get moving.
MONICA But your arm--
CARLA It's my legs that can move faster than those lumps of gristle.
MONICA Come on!
SOUND POUNDING ALONG THE WALL
CARLA Could you be a little quieter? They wouldn't even have to have ears to hear you!
MONICA I could just leave you here at their mercy!
CARLA What mercy could they have?
MONICA More than you, from the sound of it!
SOUND SLAP
MONICA [gasp]
CARLA [cold] Find a door.
MONICA [whimper]
SOUND GENTLE TAPPING, DOORKNOB RATTLES, TURNS
SOUND DOOR OPENS
CARLA [whispers] Is there a light?
SOUND CLICK CLICK
MONICA Uh-uh [no]. They must have put it out at the breaker.
CARLA Do you hear any thing in there?
MONICA [a moment] No.
CARLA Let me check.
SOUND SHE MOVES IN
MONICA [a moment, then whispered] Anything?
CARLA No.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS
NO MUSIC
SCENE 23. CARLA'S HOME, DEEP CLOSET
MONICA [outside] Ms. Skray? Ms. Skray?
SOUND POUNDING
CARLA [deep, relieved breaths, then half a chuckle] Hah. Note to self. Need new assistant. [afterthought] And new husband.
PHIL [weird slurp]
CARLA What the--?
SOUND LIGHT CLICKS ON
CARLA [gasp]
ALL - PHIL, ROBBIE, RICK [moaning]
CARLA [screams]
MONICA [muffled] Everything all right in there?
CARLA Open this door!
MONICA [outside, venomous] I wasn't talking to you.
VOICE BOX [outside] [speaks very slowly] PHIL? OK?
CARLA Phil? [incredulous] PHIL?
ZOMBIE PHIL [moans louder]
SOUND SWITCHES TO OUTSIDE
MONICA I told you my brother was coming for a visit.
CARLA [behind door] Stop touching me, you filthy-- Ugh! [noises of disgust]
MONICA I just didn't mention you already knew him. Funny how those things work, eh, boss?
SOUND [behind door] SLAPPING
MONICA AND VOICE BOX Let me know when it's over.
CARLA [Screams]
MUSIC
SCENE 24. LATER
MUSIC FADES INTO NEWS JINGLE
NEWSCASTER And in other news, the controversy over rights for the animate unliving has been struck a terrible blow over the holiday season.
SOUND RIOTING ON BACKUP SCREEN
NEWSCASTER Riots have popped up in various parts of the outer city, home to most of the area's AU population, but an injury and death toll is difficult to calculate. Here with a word on the issues is Tammuz CEO, Carla Skray.
SOUND SWOOSH NOISE
CARLA [zombie sounding] I have been reconsidering [is suddenly speeded up to normal vocal speed] my position on the issue of rights, and have decided that I am willing to make certain concessions...
SOUND TV TURNED OFF
SCENE 25. CARLA'S OFFICE, NOW MONICA'S OFFICE
MONICA That was perfect! Now, let's see about that raise.
CARLA [unhappy moan]
ZOMBIE PHIL [laughs]
RICK AND ROBBIE [join in the mushy laughter]
MUSIC
END
[note: This is very loosely based on A Christmas Carol. Carol=Carla. LOL Instead of three ghosts, she gets visits from her zombified ex husbands, and through a change of heart - in this case, being turned into a zombie - she changes her attitude toward people.]