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19 Nocturne Boulevard


19 Nocturne Boulevard is an award-winning anthology audio drama series that ran from 2008 through 2013, and then went into deep hibernation.

STILL working on that Comeback!!

Also the creator of Fatal Girl, Bingo the Birthday Clown, The Deadeye Kid, The Lovecraft 5, The Prisoner of Hancock House, The Decadence of Borrowed Silk, Eternal Dusk Roulette, and Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.                                                        Join our awesome Patreon supporters!

May 13, 2022

The Close Shave - (B&B Investigations, #3) The latest case involves one of Donna's old classmates - wed to a mysterious stranger, left destitute... now her life is in danger!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson 

Cast List
Paul Bette  - Joel Harvey
Donna Bella  - Julie Hoverson
Goldy Tailor  - Crystal Thomson
Captain OftheGuard - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Rumplestiltskin  - Philomen Vanderbeck
Mrs. Edwina Beard - Rhys TM
Mr. Beard - Benjamin Lind
Mr. Rexmusson - H. Keith Lyons
Mulva - Katharine D. Clark
Frederick - Cary Ayers
Thug - Danar Hoverson

Music by  Somewhere off Jazz Street
Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson
Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's 1940s detective agency... with a twist, can't you tell?"

***********************************************

The Close Shave

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Paul Bette

Donna Bella

Goldy Tailor

Captain OftheGuard

Mrs. Edwina Beard

Mr. Beard

Mr. Rexmusson, Edwina's father

Rumplestiltskin

thug

Frederick, the butler

Mulva, the new wife

OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the office of a private eye, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

SOUND     DOOR OPENS

GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may I --[cuts off in disgust]  Sorry.  We don't need no cleaning staff.

EDWINA    [very posh sounding, correcting her]  Any cleaning staff.

GOLDY    [puzzled] Any cleaning staff, what?

EDWINA    [dismissive mutter] I'm surprised you don't rhyme.  [up] I am here to hire a private investigator.  I have heard that this firm is very.... discreet.

SOUND    DOOR OPENS

GOLDY    Discreet yes.  Cheap no.  You better have--

DONNA    Edwina?  Edwina Rexmusson?

EDWINA    [cussing]  Oh, goblins.  [up, false gushy]  Donna!  It's been simply ages!

DONNA    What are you doing here?  And what's with the getup?

EDWINA    [trying to keep composure] Oh... Donna!  Are you ...here to hire an investigator as well? 

DONNA    Um, no.  I... am the investigator.

EDWINA    [snooty] Oh?

DONNA    [sharp] Dressed like THAT, I wouldn't sneer, sweetheart.  [nicer]  Besides, whatever's wrong, I'm probably the only investigator in town who could truly understand.  Come along.  [to Goldy] Do we have any cocoa?

EDWINA    [breaking into tears] Oh!  You remembered!

DONNA    [stage whisper]  And a box of tissues.  [to Edwina]  My office is right over here.

MUSIC    VOICEOVER

DONNA    Edwina was one of those snooty girls I'd gone to school with, back before my family's fortunes fell.  [losing track] Funny.  Failed to figure on fff-- [thinks, sighs] alliteration.  [back]  From what I could recall, though I hadn't really paid attention, she'd dropped out of sight about a year back.  Her current state, dressed in - well let's face it - rags, haggard and undernourished, was shocking. 

GOLDY    Flabbergasting, even.

DONNA    Shh!

PAUL    Do you need me?

DONNA    Not yet.  You're still on that breach of contract, aren't you?

PAUL    I've just about got it wrapped up.  Found three crickets and a snail that will swear to witnessing the ball retrieval.  [confident] He'll get what's coming to him.  I'll just listen in?  If you don't mind?  Nothing more boring than a stakeout.

DONNA    Gotcha.  [clears throat] I waited for Edwina to calm down enough to talk.

MUSIC    FADES OUT

EDWINA    [blows nose excessively into handkerchief] 

DONNA    Try some cocoa.  You'll feel better.  Now take your time and tell me what's wrong.

EDWINA    [sips, sighs]  Oh... It's my husband.

DONNA    Oh?  I guess I didn't know you were married.  Not that I've been much in society recently.

EDWINA    Oh! yes.  Maybe you are the one person who can understand.  My father was absolutely set on my marrying, but I wanted... well...

DONNA    A career?

EDWINA    No.

DONNA    Romance?

EDWINA    No.

DONNA    A Pony?  What?

EDWINA    [painful admission] I just wanted... my own way.  More than anything else, I didn't want to give in and do what father wanted.

DONNA    I take it he was not amused?

EDWINA    [mirthless laugh]  He kept parading eligible bachelors around, and I... I kept shooting them down.  This one was too fat, that one too thin, that one too hairy--

DONNA    There's something cuddly about "hairy".

EDWINA    Oh, don't even go there!!!  Why my husband--

DONNA    Sorry! 

EDWINA    So father, exasperated, said I would be married before my birthday, like it or not.  And if I wouldn't take any of the suitable men, I would end up [sniffles] wed to the first man to come to the door.  [sobs, then wails]  Even if he was a pattycake!!!

DONNA    What's wrong with--?

EDWINA    [wails]  Waaahhhh!

DONNA    Yowtch.  And this was last year?

EDWINA    [sniffs, then tries to calm] Almost exactly a year ago.  How can I forget?  The day before my 21st birthday, my father tossed me at this.... "person", ran the paperwork through, and threw me out of the house.  Since then... Well, you see how I am.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA    For all her suffering, Edwina was holding up pretty well.  She had gone from pampered princess to long-suffering housewife in one fell swoop.  Had to learn to cook, clean, and even run her husband's little china shop.  She'd been tempered in the fire.  And she used to be nothing BUT temper.

GOLDY    There's plenty like that.

DONNA    I am ignoring you. 

MUSIC     CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

EDWINA    Me?

DONNA    Sorry.  Nothing.  So what exactly do you need help with? 

EDWINA    Oh, that!  Someone is trying to kill me.

DONNA    Really?

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA    Suddenly a simple domestic case had turned very interesting indeed. 

DONNA    Edwina said that on two different occasions, there had been "accidents" that might have killed her, if not for this "strange man". 

MUSIC FADES

SOUND    IN CAR

PAUL    Did she say what he looked like?

DONNA    She said he looked vaguely familiar, but had a scarf covering the lower half his face. 

PAUL    And these "accidents?"

DONNA    Nothing she could take to the cops.  She felt a hand push her on a street corner, and would have gone right out into traffic.  Except...

PAUL    Except for this stranger?

DONNA    Yes.  He grabbed her and pulled her back.  That was the first time.  She wrote it off, figuring someone just lost their balance.

PAUL    But... then?

DONNA    Yeah.  She'd just shut up shop for the night, was heading home, and a piano fell on her.

PAUL    You're kidding?!?

DONNA    Nope.  It was being lifted to an upstairs apartment, and the ropes just... gave way. 

PAUL    And the guy?

DONNA    Swooped in on a motorcycle and pushed her out of the way.

PAUL    At best, he's been following her everywhere. 

DONNA    At worst, he's part of it.

PAUL    So she wants us to--

DONNA    First, find out who might be trying to kill her.  Second find this guy.  And [sigh] If we find out anything about her husband along the way....

PAUL    [grr]  I hate matrimony cases.  [backpedaling] not that I hate matrimony, though!  [a moment, musing/hinting]  Cuddly?

DONNA    What?

PAUL    [too quick] Nothing.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL    I figured I'd start with a trip to the delivery company, see who might have ordered that piano--

DONNA    Or who inquired about it. 

PAUL    Yes.  Was this accident a spur of the moment crime, or something much more sinister?

DONNA    I decided to look into who might want Edwina dead, and why.  I had a few contacts at the hall of records who liked nothing better than rooting out such juicy tidbits of gossip.

PAUL    What are you thinking?

DONNA    There's only a couple of possible motives for murder - money and passion being the best possibilities in this case. 

DONNA    And since Edwina's father cut her off without a simolean to her name, there either had to be money she didn't know about--

PAUL    Long lost heirs?  That's a stretch.

DONNA    [a bit annoyed] OR it had to do with her husband, the aptly named Mr. Beard.

PAUL    First name?

DONNA    Apparently they're not that familiar.

PAUL    [flabbergasted!] What?

MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

PAUL    Seriously?  She doesn't know his first name?

DONNA    He doesn't talk to her much, except to give orders.

PAUL    Even... um... when...?

DONNA    [hinting] They sleep in separate rooms.

PAUL    [stunned] Oh.  Who IS this guy?

DONNA    That's what I plan to find out.  Ah!  Hall of records.  My stop.

PAUL    Right.  Meet for dinner?

DONNA    Of course.

MUSIC    VOICEOVER

PAUL    I watched her walk away, a red-haired slither of pure lusciousness.  [grr] At least until the car behind me started to honk.

SOUND    HONK ENDS VOICEOVER MUSIC

SOUND    CAR STARTS

SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP

GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may I direct--

EDWINA    [on filter] It happened again!

GOLDY    What happened?

EDWINA    Just tell Donna!  Get her to come to my place.  She has the address.  Quickly! Before my husband gets home!

GOLDY    I'll see what I can do.

EDWINA    It's a matter of life and death!

SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP, IS SET DOWN

GOLDY    Hmm.  Now let's see - How do they DO that?

MUSIC    FOR VOICEOVER

GOLDY    Well, that was easy.  [speaking loudly, as if trying to be noticed]  I was trying desperately to figure out how to get a message to my boss, Donna Bella.

DONNA    You don't have to yell!

GOLDY    [normal tone] The client called.

DONNA    Edwina.

GOLDY    We ain't been formally introduced.  Besides, I'm trying to be all professional here.

DONNA    OK, just tell me what you got.

GOLDY    She needs you over there lickety split.

DONNA    Did she actually say--?

GOLDY    I'm paraphrasing. 

DONNA    Fine.  Now leave the voiceover to me.  [beat]  Ok.  I caught a cab and raced to Edwina's fifth floor walkup.  It was as old and careworn as her dress.  I really started to sympathize. 

MUSIC    OUT

SOUND    KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

EDWINA    [shriek] Who is it?

DONNA    It's me!

SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEP, DOWN THE HALL

DONNA    [gasp]  Hello?

SOUND    LOTS OF LOCKS UNLOCKING

DONNA    [whispered to the door] I'll be right back!

EDWINA    No!

DONNA    Shh!

SOUND    QUIET STEPS

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA    I was pretty sure I'd seen movement down around the dimly lit corner.  I'm not usually the physical type - I leave all that to Paul--

PAUL    [distant] [laughing hysterically]

DONNA    [grim and determined] --BUT I wanted to at least get a glimpse of whoever it was that was spying on Edwina's door. 

MUSIC OUT

SOUND    QUICK STEPS

DONNA    Hah!

SOUND    DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY

MUSIC IN

DONNA    I rushed up, but the series of locks - a strangely familiar series of locks - was already being thrown.  I waited a moment, then peered through the keyhole, straining for any glimpse of the perpetrator.

GOLDY    What did you see?

DONNA    Out!

MUSIC OUT

DONNA    Not you, her!

MUSIC IN

GOLDY    Fine. 

PAUL    What did you see?

DONNA    Let me talk to Edwina first.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND    TAP ON DOOR, DOOR WRENCHED OPEN

EDWINA    What happened?

DONNA    Nothing.  Thought I heard something.

EDWINA    It was probably a mouse.  They're in half the apartments here.

DONNA    Can't they get rid of them?

EDWINA    [shrug] Not unless they get behind on the rent.

MUSIC IN

PAUL    Let me take this and give you ladies some privacy.

DONNA    Sounds good.  I might be a little late.

PAUL    No problem.  [voiceover]  I had had a frustrating day.  The moving company was paid in cash, and the apartment they were delivering to had been rented under a false name. 

GOLDY    Back at the office, a pile of official looking papers that Donna had messengered, arrived.  If you're bored or anything.

PAUL    I still have leads to follow up.

GOLDY    I'm shutting up for the day.  You have fun.

PAUL    [sigh]  Some days you wonder why you even need a secretary--

GOLDY    [distant] I heard that!

PAUL    [thinking quick] And then you recall how much time you haveta spend away from the office, and it all becomes clear.  [waits a second]  Phew!  She does come in handy.  [narrating]  I walked into the bar where the lowest denizens of the city hung out, and lowest among them--

MUSIC OUT

PAUL    Hey, Rump. 

RUMPY    Not tonight, Bette.  I got lady trouble.

PAUL    Really?  You?

RUMPY    You don't have to sound so.... so...

PAUL    Sorry.

RUMPY    Take it from me, don't ever let one of them find out your real name.  [drinks deep]  So you here for a social call? 

PAUL    You know better.

SOUND    CLINK OF COINS ON COUNTER

PAUL    But I can make it worth your while.

RUMPY    I'll drink that in the next 10 minutes.

PAUL    Give me something good, and you'll get another half hour's worth.

RUMPY    What's the question?

PAUL    Mr. Rexmussen and his daughter Edwina.  Anything you know.

RUMPY    Off the top of my head?  And drunk?  Nothing. 

SOUND    COINS BEING DRAGGED AWAY

PAUL    Oh.

RUMPY    Except--

SOUND    COINS STOP MOVING

PAUL    Go on.

RUMPY    I do know that just about a year ago, daddy dearest said he was gonna hitch her to the first dude to come to the door, and there was a virtual stampede to get there - but this mug Beard was already at the head of the line.

PAUL    Like he... knew in advance?

RUMPY    Could be...  or... [trails off suggestively, drinks]

SOUND    TWO MORE COINS SET DOWN

RUMPY    More like he kind of appeared out of nowhere.  No one knew him before.  No one knows when he came to town.  Nothing.

PAUL    Hmm...

SOUND    COUPLE MORE COINS

RUMPY    That's all I got. 

SOUND    SHOVES COINS

RUMPY    Now leave me to my misery.

PAUL    Nah.  Keep it. 

MUSIC in

PAUL    So a Beard with no roots.  But who could have known that Edwina's dad was going to go ballistic?

GOLDY    Daddy probably set it all up with the mug.  To teach her a lesson.  Sounds like she was a holy terror.

PAUL    I thought you went home.

GOLDY     They ain't nothing good on the radio.

PAUL    While I could consult an oracle or two about the mysterious Mr. Beard, the price would be a bit too high for a charity case--

GOLDY    What about who might want to kill her?

PAUL    I had no leads as yet--

GOLDY    Oh, yes you do.

PAUL    I do?

GOLDY    These papers - I took em home, just in case someone might come looking.

PAUL    Are you really worried about that?

GOLDY    Nah.  But they ain't nothing good on the radio.  Anyway, you wanted to know about money motives, and there's some interesting stuff in here.

PAUL    This should really be on the phone.  Voiceovers aren't made for conversations.

GOLDY    You two do it all the time!

PAUL    [abashed] We try not to.

GOLDY    Fine.  [ahem] After going through the stack of papers - a thankless task, by the way - I realized that Edwina happened to have a birthday coming up.

PAUL    [dismissive] She already mentioned that.

GOLDY    AND that this would be her 22nd birthday.  When she would just happen to come into a huge trust fund.  UNLESS she weren't married yet, then she don't get her mitts on the cash til she's 30.

PAUL    [interested] Really?

GOLDY    UNLESS again - she was to happen to kick off before she made it to 22. 

PAUL    Hmm...  Who--

GOLDY    IN WHICH CASE the money would revert to... ta-da!  her father.

PAUL    Rexmussen?  But he's rich.

GOLDY    Interesting, innit?

DONNA    Whew.  I had just spent the longest evening of my life, and--

GOLDY    We're already on this line.

DONNA    What?

PAUL    But we're pretty much done.

DONNA    What?

GOLDY    Besides, I'm already clocked out for the evening.

DONNA    [growl] what?

PAUL    Goldy took the time to sort through all the paperwork we hadn't yet got around to...

DONNA    [back to normal] Oh.  Anything?

PAUL    Tell you at dinner.

DONNA    About time!

MUSIC OUT

SOUND    RESTAURANT

PAUL    --which doesn't make any sense, because he's rolling in dough.

DONNA    Nothing in this case makes sense, and we've only got one more day before Edwina's birthday. 

PAUL    We better stay with her. 

DONNA    I had this little idea...

PAUL    Yeah?

DONNA    This mystery man appears every time she looks to be in danger, so...

PAUL    ["getting it"] Mmm.

DONNA    Let skip ahead.

PAUL    Get some rest.

DONNA    Mwa!

PAUL    [appreciative growl]

MUSIC IN

DONNA    Morning came, and I was back with Edwina.  Her husband hadn't even come home, but had phoned to insist she still open the store as usual.  She was frantic.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND    STREET, FOOTSTEPS

EDWINA    [controlled] Thank you so much for coming with me.  I'm simply frantic.

DONNA    Don't worry about it.  We'll get to the bottom of all this.

SOUND    RUSHING FEET

PAUL    [roar]

EDWINA    [scream!]

SOUND    SCUFFLE

BEARD    [oof!]

DONNA    You got him?  Calm down, Eddie!

EDWINA    [gasp] What?  Who is it?  Oh!  That's him!  That's the guy!

PAUL    Let's get inside.  Come on. 

EDWINA    [whisper] Who's that?

DONNA    My partner.  He's good people.

EDWINA    He's hardly "people", wouldn't you say?

DONNA    Don't knock it, sister!

SOUND    DOOR SHUTS

PAUL    Okay, pal, you better start talking.

EDWINA    Don't hurt him!  He's the one who's been saving me!

PAUL    [tough sounding]  No one needs to get hurt - but someone DOES need to talk.

BEARD    [mutters something]

PAUL    What's that?

BEARD    [low whisper] Just you.  I'll talk to you.  Not the ladies.

PAUL    You all right with that?  We'll catch up.

SOUND    SNAP FINGERS

MUSIC In SUDDENLY

DONNA    Edwina and I went on to the shop, careful to avoid any potentially life threatening situations.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND    SHOP DOOR, WITH BELL

EDWINA    He's not going to hurt him, is he?

DONNA    I don't think it will come to that.

EDWINA    Good.  I-- I think I'm in love.

DONNA    [stunned] What?  With that--

EDWINA    Handsome stranger who keeps saving my life?

DONNA    You've got a point.  But what about your husband?

EDWINA    I hardly ever see him.  He doesn't care.

DONNA    And how do you know this guy is handsome?  His face was all covered in that scarf.

EDWINA    [deep excited breath]  Oh!  His piercing eyes!  So mysterious.  T think--  [almost something]  I think he's shy.

DONNA    While it's nice to see some color in your cheeks again, I think we need to shelve this until we solve the death-related part of the mystery.

EDWINA    [sigh] All right.

DONNA    Last night, I asked about the suitors you turned down.  Did you have a chance to make a list?

EDWINA    Oh!  I forgot.  So sorry.

DONNA    We've got some time now.

EDWINA    Oh, all right. Um... There was Bob Porthos--

DONNA    The entrepreneur?  [whistles]

EDWINA    He was really fat.  And Fred Crotchety, are you taking these down?

DONNA    Mind like a steel trap.  Crotchety?

EWINA    Old.  And don't even get me started on King Cole.

DONNA    The Merry old - ah! "Old"?

EDWINA    [duh!] Pattycake.

DONNA    Hmm.  Let me guess, there was something wrong with every single one of them.

EDWINA    Pretty much.  And if it wasn't something obvious, like being really short, or having terrible halitosis, I'd just pick on whatever was handy.

DONNA    Bet you regret that now.

EDWINA    You said it.  I might have spent the last year in the lap of luxury with my old, fat or smelly husband.  [thinks]  Hmm.  I guess I'm actually rather lucky.

DONNA    Really?

EDWINA    My husband is standoffish and emotionally unavailable, but at least he's not fat, old or smelly.

DONNA    [slightly sarcastic] And doesn't talk in rhyme.

EDWINA    [the horror!] Heaven forbid!! 

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN

DONNA    Paul?

THUG    Both of you, hands up!

EDWINA    [scream!]

THUG    Shut up!

EDWINA    [cuts out suddenly with a hiccup]

DONNA    Let me guess - you're the next "accident"?

THUG    Shut up!

DONNA    Why should I listen to you?

EDWINA    [hissed] Because he's got a gun!

THUG    I see she's the smart one.

DONNA    What?

THUG    Though you got the looks, babe.

DONNA    What?

EDWINA    Don't anger the thug!

DONNA    Just watch.  WHAT?

THUG    Now, lets see...  [muses] an accident...

SOUND    HEAVY TIPPING NOISE, CROCKERY GOES EVERYWHERE

EDWINA    [quick shriek, muffled]

THUG    [telling himself a story] So someone broke in, and-- [sudden surprised gasp of pain]

MUSIC IN

PAUL    The mystery man had only half satisfied my curiosity when we heard screams from the vicinity of Edwina's pottery shop.

THUG    [screams like a girl]

MUSIC OUT

BEARD    Something's happening!

PAUL    [chuckles] They'll be fine.  Finish what you were saying.

BEARD    [melodramatic] I'll tell you whatever you want - AFTER we save her!

PAUL    [sigh] All right.

MUSIC IN

PAUL    He had it so bad it was almost cute.  How could I refuse, being a fellow sufferer of that aeons-old disease called love?

MUSIC OUT

SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CRASH OF PLATE

DONNA    Hah!

PAUL    See?

BEARD    [surprised] Oh.  You're all right!

EDWINA    Yes!

DONNA    This guy--

SOUND    RUSTLE AS SHE KICKS HIM

THUG    [groan]

DONNA    Broke in.  He won't talk.  [sweetly] I told him my partner is the really scary one.

PAUL    Don't worry about it.  I think I know where this is all leading.

DONNA    Really?

PAUL    Yes.  Shh.

EDWINA    [melodramatic, to Beard] It can never be.

BEARD    What?

EDWINA    I'm... I'm married.  No matter that it wasn't my choice.  It--

BEARD    It's all right.

EDWINA    No, it's not!  You keep saving me, and making me love - uh - like - uh - appreciate you.  It's not fair.  To you.

BEARD    You wouldn't consider... running off with me?

EDWINA    A year ago, I might have said yes.  In a heartbeat.  But I'm not that same shallow girl any more.  I simply can't break a solemn vow.  You should go.

DONNA    [sad] Ohhh!

PAUL    [reassuring] Shh.

EDWINA    Just know this.  I love you!

BEARD    I've waited so long to hear you say that.

EDWINA    [confused] You ...have?

PAUL    [whispered] Now for the big reveal.

SOUND    RUSTLE OF FABRIC

EDWINA    You!

DONNA    Who?

PAUL    Guess.

DONNA    I don't know anyone with a beard that thick.

BEARD    I'm so sorry I had to do it this way, but--

SOUND    THUMP, HISS

PAUL    Really?  A grenade?  [grunt of effort]

SOUND    HISSING FLIES OFF

SOUND    DISTANT EXPLOSION, SHRIEK OF PAIN & SURPRISE

PAUL    Now that that's sorted out, I think it's time.

DONNA    Time?

PAUL    For the big denouement.  And... I think a police presence is in order.

DONNA    Where's a phone?

EDWINA    What's going on? 

BEARD    Don't worry, my darling.  I'll still always protect you.

MUSIC IN

PAUL    We did a quick gathering of the suspects and arrived at Mr. Rexmussen's sumptuous estates with only half an hour to spare.

DONNA    Before what?

PAUL    The birthday.

GOLDY    I'm the one that caught that!

DONNA AND PAUL    Shut up!

GOLDY    Hmph.  Keep me posted.

PAUL    Rexmussen's estate was a sprawling mass of putting green and ornamental garden, all surrounding a palatial sort of ... palace.

DONNA    Evocative.

PAUL    I've been studying Old Possum's word a day column in the Times.

DONNA    [chuckles]

GOLDY    uh-uh-uh!  Conversation!

DONNA    Fine! 

SOUND    MUSIC OUT

SOUND    KNOCKING ON DOOR

SOUND    TEENSY WINDOW OPENS

BUTLER    Please good folks!  This is not right!  Banging on the door all night!

PAUL    [grr] Pattycakes.

EDWINA    [Imperious]  Rouse my father, Frederick.

BUTLER    The master sleeps, he will not wake.  I beg you now, your leave to take.

SOUND    WINDOW SHUTS

DONNA    Blast.  If only--

SOUND    POLICE SIRENS BURP, THEN CUT OUT

PAUL    [concerned] Ohhh boy.

DONNA    Captain Oftheguard!  So glad you came!  Wait - I didn't - did you?

PAUL    [grrrr]  No.

OFTHEGUARD    Your secretary called, said you're having some kind of ...denouement... at this here address?

PAUL    [muttered] She'll never let us live this one down.

DONNA    [wheedling] We need to get inside, Bruce, and talk to Edwina's father!  Right now, before there's a murder!

OFTHEGUARD    We'll see about that.

SOUND    OFFICIAL POUNDING

BEARD    No one's going to murder you!

EDWINA    Oh, [falters] OH!  [whispers]  You never told me your first name.

BEARD    Oh...  uh...  [horrible admission] Van dyke.

EDWINA    Really?  I would have pegged you as a garibaldi, or maybe a franz-josef with a side order of Z-Z.

BEARD    [surprised] So you know my brothers?

SOUND    DOOR OPENS

OFTHEGUARD    Hey!  Mother goose.  Get your boss out here.  This is the police.

FREDERICK    You needn't speak in such a tone.  My job is to see he's left alone.

OFTHEGUARD    hmph.  My job trumps your boss's orders - now let us through your fancy borders.

DONNA    Oh, Bruce!  I never knew you were bilingual!

PAUL    [growl] Enough!  I'll get us in.

SOUND    MUSIC IN

PAUL    It wasn't long before we were all sitting in Rexmussen's main sitting room.

MUSIC OUT

PAUL    So there.

EDWINA    Not to be confused with the informal withdrawing room, or the salon.

REXMUSSEN    [cold] So nice to have you home again dear.

EDWINA    [cold] Papa.  [kiss kiss]

OFTHEGUARD    I believe there was a denouement in the offing?  Or are we here for pinochle?

REXMUSSUN    A Denouement?  Surely you don't mean--?

SOUND    LIGHT FEET ENTER

MULVA    [sexy little number] Rex, Honey?  I miss my bunny?

EDWINA    [horrified] Papa!

REXMUSSUN     [covering, stiff] Go back to bed, Mulva.  We'll talk in the morning.

EDWINA    Papa!?  What is ... that?  [disgust] Her?

DONNA    That's a whole nother denouement!  Quick, music!

SOUND    MUSIC IN, SOUND OF EDWINA AND REXMUSSUN ARGUING UNDER

REXMUSSUN    I knew you would never be able to accept--

EDWINA    A pattycake?  Father!  How could you!

MULVA    Love is blind to age or youth.  We knew you wouldn't like the truth.

REXMUSSUN    You don't need to be here, dearest, to take this abuse.

EDWINA    I'm glad mother's dead!  This sort of ...perversion - it would have killed her to know.

[now the voiceover]

PAUL    Could this have been another motive?  Or part of the answer we already had?

DONNA    We knew we had to sort it out quickly, or lose what might be our only chance to resolve this issue.

PAUL    The money in the trust goes back to dear old dad if she dies in the next 15 minutes, right?

DONNA    I think--

GOLDY    [snide] That's what the papers said. 

DONNA    Fine.  Thanx.  What else did they say.

GOLDY    Oh, so now you need me--

PAUL    Get on with it!  We're in the denouement!

GOLDY    Dad's loaded.  The entire trust wouldn't make pocket change for him.

DONNA    And his new wife?

GOLDY    Oh, that took a couple of very tricky phone calls.  Seems they went out of state for a nice quiet little ceremony - the day AFTER dear daughter was whisked away to be wed.

PAUL    So maybe this had nothing to do with the money at all?

DONNA    What are we left with?

EVERYONE     GASPS

PAUL    That sounds like something.  Quick!

SOUND    MUSIC OUT

EDWINA    The lights!

OFTHEGUARD    Everyone stay where you are. 

BEARD    I'm here.

SOUND    RUSTLE, THEN FOOTSTEPS

PAUL    Was anyone near the lights when they went out?

EDWINA    We were a bit...um... involved in a family ... discussion.

DONNA    Where are the --

SOUND    GUNSHOT

EDWINA    [QUICK scream]

BEARD    Oh no!

DONNA    Quick!  Paul!

SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

PAUL    [growl]

FREDERICK    Off, you beast!  Get off of me!  I'm no prey for such as thee!

PAUL    Just for that! [unh!]

SOUND    SMACK

SOUND    CLICK OF LIGHTS BACK ON

OFTHEGUARD    Him!?

EDWINA    A servant?

REXMUSSUN    Frederick?

DONNA    [whispered] Paul?  But why?  Do you think he was paid?

PAUL    [muttered] Hmm.  No.  [up]  Oftheguard, I'll hand him over. 

OFTHEGUARD    What's the charge?  Or at least the motive?

EDWINA    Yes!  What could he possibly get out of killing me?  He's not in any position to inherit.

DONNA    No one is - now. 

PAUL    Except your husband. 

BEARD    I've got plenty of my own, thanks.

DONNA    Your birthday came and went 8 minutes ago.  So this attempt ... [quizzical] must be unrelated?

PAUL    But something else is. 

DONNA    Is what?

PAUL    Related.  [sharp] Rexmusson!  This young lady may be your second wife, but I wager she's not the first pattycake that you've... um...

DONNA    Played pattycake with?

PAUL    I was trying for something a bit more pithy, but yes.

REXMUSSON    [warning] I'm a very wealthy and powerful man!  [shrug] And everyone needs a hobby.

EDWINA    Papa!

MULVA    But now I am your one and only?  You'll never have to be so lonely.

REXMUSSON    [not quite convincing] Of course, dear.

EDWINA    This is just disgusting.  I don't need to hear any more of this--

PAUL    Just a bit more.  Frederick?  How long have you worked here?

EDWINA    He's been here his entire life.  Since we both [getting it] were children...

DONNA    Ahhh.  And his mother?  She worked here, too?

EDWINA    [revolted] Oh, now I am definitely leaving.

BEARD    Hold on a bit longer. 

EDWINA    Hold me!

DONNA    So you think that he did it out of revenge?  For her being the pampered one and him getting.... a menial job?

PAUL    Perhaps he felt that if there were no longer a legitimate heir to the Rexmusson estate, that his father would have to acknowledge him at last.

DONNA    That's a huge bucket full of wishful thinking, you do realize that?

REXMUSSON    Even if Edwina was killed, and that would never be my wish, dear, even if we don't see eye to eye on some things--

EDWINA    [conciliatory]  Oh, I should hope not.

REXMUSSON    There's still going to be more legit heirs.  Right my little pumpkiny-wumpkiny?

MULVA    You'll have a little sister soon.  We've counted down to the end of June.

EDWINA    [no longer amused] We're leaving.  Now.

BEARD    There's no more danger?

OFTHEGUARD    Not from this guy, there ain't.

BEARD    Good.  [leaving]  Edwina?  Darling?

FREDERICK    Ouch!  Ouch!  Stop that, you!  You hurt my--

OFTHEGUARD    [cutting in] Everloving shoe.  I know, I know.  I've heard it all before.  Now - "Come along quiet, you epic fail.  You're taking a little trip to jail."

MUSIC IN

PAUL    [snort, then annoyed]  Progressive AND bilingual.  How do you compete with that?

DONNA    Hmm?

PAUL    Nothing.  [clears throat]  So the case was closed, and for once we could say--

DONNA    With a completely straight face--

PAUL    uh...  [whispered] You want to say it?

DONNA    [sultry whisper] Let's do it together?

PAUL    [grrrrow!]  Count of three, then.  One Two--

PAUL AND DONNA    The butler did it.  [both laugh]

PAUL    You would never leave me, um, I mean the agency, I mean, detective work, for a ... a pattycake, wouldja?

DONNA    Never fear, oh hairy one / the job, and you, are much more fun.

PAUL    [growl!!]  I do love it when she talks foreign!