May 26, 2022
Set in the same world as B&B Investigations, but some 30 years later.
So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres
Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf
B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan
Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom
Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard
Fleet - Chris Stockett
Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen
Juniper - Chris Stockett
Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck
Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts
Goose Gander - Mark Olson
TV News - Suzanne Dunn
Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson
Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson
Woodcutter - Justin
Cop 1 - Graciespoppy
Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts
Trainer - Graciespoppy
Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck
Bartender - James Keeley
Woman1 - Sara Falconer
Woman2 - Angela Kirby
Stumpy - Brody Walker
Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson
"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's an alley, can't you tell?"
Hot Ginger Bread
[Opening credits - Olivia]
Woodcutter, the stoolie
Cop1 and cop2
Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop
Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear
Goose Gander, affirmative action detective
B.O. Wulf, other tough cop
Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives
Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel
Fleet, Ginger's head man
Shallott, internal affairs
Other gingerbread men
ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS?
OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell?
MUSIC - FUNK!!!!!
SOUND RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC. POLICE WHISTLES
COP1 [distant] Stop! Police!
SOUND GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH
WOODCUTTER [triumphant] Oh yeah!
SOUND FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN
WOODCUTTER [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz.
SOUND GUN COCKS
COP2 [snide] What was that?
WOODCUTTER Oh... uh... [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent?
MUSIC SCENE WIPE [gym]
SOUND PUNCHING BAG
WULF Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew?
GRETAL [exerting] Nah, Wulf. Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle.
WULF [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass.
GRETAL 'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap. Needed to cool down a bit first.
SOUND PUNCHING STOPS
GRETAL Hear you gotta new partner. What happened to Canute? You guys were joined at the badge.
WULF [grumpy] New inefficiency program. Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet. Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car.
GRETAL Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield. [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future.
WULF [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla. You cooled yet?
GRETAL Nah, a few more--
TRAINER [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal?
GRETAL [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done.
WULF Good luck. And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes.
GRETAL Words to live by.
MUSIC SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE]
CAPTAIN [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute. [back to phone] I specifically said 3:00 and it's now--
SOUND RAP ON THE DOOR
CAPTAIN Never mind.
SOUND HANGS UP PHONE
CAPTAIN [grumpy] Get in here, Gretal!
SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER
CAPTAIN Shut the door.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY
GRETAL What did I do this time? If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs. They all did. Ask anyone.
CAPTAIN No, it's --
GRETAL Oh, I got it. The fish is talking again?
CAPTAIN NO! Sit down and listen!
CAPTAIN [suspicious] What was this about a fish?
GRETAL [too quick] Nothing.
CAPTAIN Then never mind... for the moment. I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry. You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts?
GRETAL Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner.
CAPTAIN Not yet.
GRETAL I work better on my - what?
CAPTAIN New directive, straight from the Keep. Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
GRETAL You know no one can keep up with me! I have the highest manacle rating in homicide! Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family.
CAPTAIN Your record does speak for itself.
GRETAL Frankly, the goat was tougher.
CAPTAIN But with the recent corruption issues--
GRETAL [horrified] Captain! You can't think I'm dirty! I even play fair with pattycakes.
CAPTAIN Fair, yes. But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms. Too many cops without adequate oversight.
GRETAL Oversight? I'll show you oversight!
CAPTAIN And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop.
GRETAL Damn straight!
CAPTAIN Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss.
GRETAL I--! [beat] Fine.
CAPTAIN Good. Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer--
CAPTAIN [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick. So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice. Which means you do as you're told.
GRETAL How long?
CAPTAIN Til "they're" done. Whenever that may be.
GRETAL [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf? At least we see eye-to-eye on--
CAPTAIN "Necessary force"? Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP".
GRETAL Crimes against Pattycakes? Seriously? [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme?
VIC [gentle cough] Don't worry. I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone.
GRETAL [whirling, annoyed] What the--? [to captain] You never said--!
CAPTAIN And you never gave me a chance. Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel.
VIC It's a... pleasure.
GRETAL [ignoring him] You're not transferring me? Please tell me we're not--
CAPTAIN You're not going to be CAP, no.
GRETAL [to Vic] Hah. Looks like you traded up.
CAPTAIN You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice.
GRETAL Oh, hell no.
MUSIC WIPE [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC]
SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP
STRANGER [disguised mechanized voice] Woodcutter is turning woodlark.
GINGER The hell you say.
STRANGER The guard has him under wraps. Not even booked yet.
STRANGER No. They have not been informed.
GINGER How did you find all this out?
STRANGER A Little pixie told me. Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me?
GINGER Very good. You'll have it by the end of the week.
SOUND HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM
FLEET [deep voice] Yeah, boss?
GINGER Fire up the ovens, Fleet. Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men.
MUSIC CUT TO BAR
T.V. NEWS In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land.
WULF Turn it off.
GRETAL Nah, leave it. Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did.
T.V. NEWS Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony.
WULF That sucks.
GRETAL [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life. They shouldn't take this crap out on him.
WULF He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he?
GRETAL Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs.
BARTENDER [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs?
GRETAL [dismissive noise]
T.V. NEWS The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months.
VIC A lot could happen in two months.
GRETAL [completely startled] Oh crap! Where the gilliken did you come from?
VIC I've been here for a while. [to B.O.] Hi!
WULF Uh, hi.
VIC Introduce us?
GRETAL Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel. Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf. We just call him B.O.
T.V. NEWS Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings...
WULF [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too? We could play a hand of poker. Start a bowling league?
T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice.
GRETAL [resigned sigh] No.
VIC Sorry. Didn't realize I was intruding. But we -um- just got a call.
T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could.
GRETAL [to bartender] One more!
BARTENDER [croaky] Coming right up.
VIC Should you--?
T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog. Now I am ashamed. Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window.
MAITRE D' [french and very sneery] Two? You?
VIC Inspectors. Checking fire escapes. Just passing through.
MAITRE D' Oui oui. I see.
SOUND THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY
GRETAL [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here?
VIC Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in--
SOUND DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST
WOMAN1 So I said to him - oh yeah? You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world!
WOMAN2 You didn't!
SOUND WOMEN ARE GONE
GRETAL Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you.
MIRROR [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke.
GRETAL The ladies room? We're meeting a contact in the ladies room? AND it sounds like a guy.
VIC Check and see if there's anyone else in there.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
MIRROR If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I?
GRETAL Holy crap. Get in here Vic.
SOUND FEET ENTER
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
GRETAL This is Shallott of Internal Affairs.
MIRROR Oh? Have we met before?
GRETAL Lock it.
SOUND LATCH CLICKS
GRETAL I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me.
GRETAL WHATever. And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup.
VIC So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror?
MIRROR Potayto - potahto. For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you. And I know your uncle, who vouches for you.
GRETAL [vehement] SHHH!
MIRROR And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks.
MIRROR You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got.
GRETAL [half pleased, half disgusted] Really?
VIC Jumping Cow!
MIRROR And that's why this can't go through regular channels.
GRETAL B-but... Captain Meisterburger?
MIRROR This is not a gossip session. This is a briefing. Good. A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago.
GRETAL Figures. [knowing] Them woodcutters.
MIRROR He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person. We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice. We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house.
MOMENT OF SILENCE
VIC Gingerbread house?
GRETAL no offence, but where do you come into it?
VIC Ginger bread house?
MIRROR We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back. Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me. Not the Captain, not your best friend.
VIC [louder] Gingerbread house?
MIRROR [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet.
VIC [annoyed] I have so--!
MIRROR Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it--
GRETAL [smug] whomever.
MIRROR This new cartel is making money faster than Midas. They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle.
VIC And the house?
MIRROR Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens. We need to find it. If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down.
GRETAL Hmph. And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job.
AMB IN CAR
GRETAL You CAN tell me where we're going.
SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP
VIC [distracted] No, that's ok. Turn left.
GRETAL That wasn't a hint, it was a demand.
SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP
GRETAL My car. My rules. Where are we meeting this troll?
VIC He's a woodcutter, not a troll.
GRETAL [warning] AND...?
VIC He's being kept in a safe house.
SOUND CAR STARTS AGAIN
GRETAL Hah. You mean a dive motel near the Shoe.
VIC How did you know?
GRETAL Educated guess. I've worked protection a few times.
SOUND A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST
VIC [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters?
GRETAL Bad lot. Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations. Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again.
SOUND CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE
GRETAL Let me guess. That's the place?
SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP
VIC Uhhh... [down] yeah.
AMB OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE
GRETAL Humph. They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe. Big money always survives.
VIC Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of.
GRETAL Come on. If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone.
VIC I'm not so sure. Let's walk a perimeter.
SOUND THEY START WALKING
GRETAL A Perimeter? Fancy talk. Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter.
VIC I did have a life before C-A-P. And Pattycakes are simple. Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well.
GRETAL It's those big round faces. Wide innocent eyes. Not much to hide behind.
VIC That, and they just don't see the point. Simple doesn’t mean stupid.
SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS
GRETAL [hushed rushed] Hold on. Something up ahead.
SOUND GUN DRAWN
SOUND SHE WALKS SLOWLY
SOUND VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY
SOUND SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY.
GRETAL Come on!
SOUND CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB
GRETAL Damn damn damn!
SOUND HITS FENCE
SOUND VIC RUNS UP
VIC Come on, he's not too far--
VIC But we can get him!
GRETAL That's a no go zone. See the sign?
VIC Rampion Limited?
GRETAL Yeah. Very private property. Dammit!
SOUND HITS FENCE
SOUND DOG STARTS BARKING
SOUND ALARM GOES OFF
GRETAL [sarcastic and bitter] Yeah. That's put a shoe in the loaf.
SOUND HAND SLAMS DOWN
CAPTAIN What have you got to say for yourselves?
GRETAL [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in.
CAPTAIN Why were you even in that part of town?
VIC [very smooth] Anonymous tip. Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use.
GRETAL [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah.
CAPTAIN [starting low and building to a loud growl] If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when my officers think they're smarter than I am!
GRETAL [quiet, but getting it] Oh hell. [up, belligerent] Captain, I don't think I'm smarter than you. Just tougher and more in tune with the street.
VIC Wait! Wait! We can work this out!
CAPTAIN [angry low rumble] The hell you say?
GRETAL [nearly yelling] The Pied Piper could stroll back into town playing a mazurka and it would take you and three blind mice to find him!
VIC Let's talk calmly about this--
CAPTAIN [to vic] SHUT UP!
GRETAL [to vic] SHUT UP!
CAPTAIN Give me your gun and shield. You're suspended.
SOUND RUSTLE, CLANK.
VIC Wait - I -
SOUND GRETAL STORMS OUT
VIC What ...just happened?
CAPTAIN Ask your damn partner.
A1_CAUSE OF DEATH
SOUND ELEVATOR PINGS, SLIDES CLOSED
VIC Hold it!
SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR STOPPED
SOUND VIC GETS IN, HITS BUTTON, DOOR SHUTS
VIC What was all that?
GRETAL hah. He started it.
VIC [concerned] So... what will you do now?
GRETAL Hmm? Oh, go to the morgue.
VIC Uh.... why?
GRETAL See Juniper. Find out what happened at the fire.
VIC But... you're suspended.
GRETAL [shrug] We only need your badge to get around.
AMB GINGER'S OFFICE
SOUND DOOR OPENS
GINGER Ah, Fleet. How comes the army?
FLEET Fifteen more, [clears throat] though one stuck and ... and lost part of an arm.
GINGER [furious] Who's responsible?
FLEET [cowering] It was an accident! Um, uh - not enough butter!
GINGER [vicious, but calming] See that it doesn't happen again.
FLEET Yes Ma'am.
GINGER Are they all ready to run?
FLEET [important] It's what we're made for.
SOUND DOOR OPENS
JUNIPER [squawky voice] Stay out!
GRETAL Is that any way to talk to detectives?
JUNIPER Oh, it's you. Fine. But I'm in the middle of a post mortem.
GRETAL Aw, crap...
VIC Interesting. Do we get to see a body?
GRETAL Hell no.
SOUND DOOR OPENS, SOMETHING BEING WHEELED OUT.
GRETAL Hey Juney. We're here about the dead Woodcutter.
JUNIPER Why am I not surprised?
VIC Can we see the body?
GRETAL [aside] Shut up. [to Juney] What can you tell us about how he got dead?
JUNIPER Aren't you suspended?
GRETAL Yesss... Show him your badge, Hansel.
JUNIPER Aawk. I know you're good for it. How's your uncle doing?
GRETAL [forced joviality] Hey Vic, maybe you can take a look at the vic's - uh, victim's - belongings.
JUNIPER Dr. Fell will take you through.
FELL [grumpy humph] Come on. Moron.
SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS
GRETAL Pattycakes? Even here?
JUNIPER Where else will they get to practice? Dead folks are notoriously unbiased. Now. How is your uncle?
GRETAL Taking it hard, I guess. Haven't really had a chance to check in.
JUNIPER [squawk of sympathy]
GRETAL [shaking it off] So? Woodcutter?
JUNIPER Didn't die in the fire. The other bodies found with him had inhaled smoke - not him.
GRETAL Someone killed him and set it to hide their tracks?
JUNIPER Speculation, but sound. When you look over his things, get a whiff and tell me if you smell--
FELL [from off] Aw hell!
SOUND FEET, SLAMS OPEN DOOR
GRETAL [disgusted] Aw, Vic, what are you doing?
VIC [calm] Just wanted to see a corpse. [shrug noise]
GRETAL Get a good whiff and then c'mon. we're leaving.
SOUND IN CAR
VIC Do you mind if I smoke?
GRETAL Roll down the window. A pipe?
VIC Bad habit. Picked it up while undercover with Old King Cole.
SOUND MATCH, LIGHTING
GRETAL Am I going to have to bust you on a narco tip?
VIC [laughs, then changes the subject] I've never met a coroner before. Are they generally large birds?
GRETAL You'd be surprised. Juniper's cousin covers the next duchy over.
GRETAL His real name is something unpronounceable in bird talk - so we call him Juniper. For the tree he lives in. Don't sell him short. He's a dab hand at spotting any kind of hanky panky.
VIC Ah. And you call him Juney?
GRETAL [evasive] He's an old friend of the family.
VIC [knowing] Ah.
GRETAL [quickly, covering] What did you find out? [disgusted] Apart from it smells like barbecue.
VIC Actually, the smoke had an entirely different tang to it. Something sickly sweet. Can't quite put my finger on it.
GRETAL Ew. How can you be so calm?
VIC [defensive] Just am. [quickly changing the subject] I found two potential clues in his stuff, though.
GRETAL Go on.
VIC He had a white pebble stuck in his shoe, and a pocketful of bread crumbs.
GRETAL [disdainful snort] Huh. Toast.
VIC I don't think so. If I'm correct, I recognize the bread - a special brand of coarse sourdough ...popular with pattycakes.
AMB ST. IVES, THE PATTYCAKE QUARTER
SOUND JUMPROPE RHYME LIKE CHANTING IN THE BACKGROUND, CROWD
GRETAL Figures. St. Ives is the center of most of the city's crime.
VIC [annoyed, but quiet] And 90% of it is run by Proseys.
GRETAL [sharp] What did you say?
VIC Nothing. Just that crime hides here, it doesn't always start here.
GRETAL So YOU say.
VIC You can think whatever you want, but let me do the talking.
GRETAL Yeah, whatever.
VIC This is my beat. [a little down] Was. Don't worry. My best contact isn't someone you'll have to rhyme to.
RUMPY You want WHAT?
VIC You know, and I know, that you know everything and everyone, Mr. Stiltskin.
RUMPY You know I've been getting out of the game, Hansel. Too old.
SOUND HAND SLAMMED ON TABLE
GRETAL [pissed] Look! Can you or can't you tell us where to find this Gingerbread house?
RUMPY [unruffled] It's not so much a question of can I, but rather will I or won't I. What's in it for me?
GRETAL Public spirit?
VIC Same old. I'll owe you one, and you've cashed in plenty of my markers before.
RUMPY And all you want me to do is get you to the center of operations for the biggest dope ring in town?
GRETAL Yeah. Peanuts.
RUMPY How's your friend Wulf adjusting to his new partner there, [very deliberately, hinting something] Miss Gretal?
GRETAL [worried, but not sure] Dunno. Haven't had a chance to -- [breaks off, annoyed again] What are you insinuating?
RUMPY Nothing, nothing... [thinking noise] Tell you what, I'll make a few calls, see what I can find out. Meet me behind the Cutlery Café in an hour.
SOUND FEET, DOOR, AS THEY LEAVE HIM
GRETAL [snort] You trust him?
VIC He's very good.
GRETAL And you're not afraid he's gonna do something stupid.
VIC [oddly hollow] I'm not afraid at all. [up] Should we report to Shallott? Maybe we should pick up a hand mirror to keep in touch.
GRETAL Don't work like that. Has to be a certain size and quality. Why d'you think bathroom mirrors are so crappy?
GRETAL I see alleys are the same all over.
GRETAL Why's it called the cutlery café? Got a lot of sharp cheddar on the menu?
VIC [slight laugh] Nah. The dish and the spoon who run it just like alliteration.
GRETAL [annoyed sigh] [suddenly up, gasp] Did you hear something?
SOUND DISTANT CRUNCH OF A FOOTSTEP, VERY QUIET
VIC No... [long sniff, then realizing] THAT's what I smelled.
SOUND ATTACK - PEOPLE RUNNING INTO ALLEY!
VIC [with horror] Gingerbread!
SOUND BIG SCUFFLE
MUSIC FADES IN AS THEY WAKE UP
GINGER EVIL CHUCKLE
GRETAL [waking up, grunt, oww!!!]
VIC [weak] Lay still. Breathe.
GINGER I don't like cops, do I, Fleet?
FLEET [deep creepy chuckle] No, Boss.
GINGER Except ones that I own...
VIC [calm, curious] I'm guessing we're not the first ones you've... entertained here? [hinting for her name] Miss...?
GRETAL What are you--?
GINGER [pleased, superior] Just call me Ginger. What makes you ask?
VIC Well... I assume this big metal cage isn't something you just had lying around.
GINGER [big throaty sexy laugh] Good point. But I might not use it exclusively for police.
VIC Let me guess. Business rivals? People who owe you money? [very knowing] Boy toys? Tough Cookies?
GINGER [snappish and annoyed] I'll leave you to ponder that. Fleet?
GINGER Did you get their weapons?
FLEET [whispered] no fingers, boss.
GINGER Damn. Take this--
SOUND SNATCHES UP SOMETHING FROM THE DESK, HANDS IT OVER
GINGER --and cover them while I disarm them. [muttering to self as she crosses to he cage] ...really need to perfect that recipe.
VIC There's always prosthetics.
VIC You could make hands that mount onto their arms.
GRETAL Don't help the crime boss!
GINGER Hand over your weapons. You can’t shoot between the bars anyway. Magic.
GRETAL Why I oughtta--!
VIC Just do it. That frosted maniac may not have fingers, but I suspect that shotgun was made for his kind.
FLEET You bet.
SOUND GUN HANDED OVER
GINGER And yours.
GINGER Hmph. [insulting] Kind of... small.
VIC I spend a lot of time undercover.
GINGER Hmph. Okay Fleet, round up the troops.
FLEET [plaintive] I don't get to kill them?
GINGER Maybe later. Maybe just her. [as she leaves] I might keep him around, give him a taste of the product - fatten him up a bit.
SOUND DOOR SHUTS
VIC AND GRETAL [sigh in relief]
SOUND DOOR OPENS
GINGER [from off] Leave Stumpy to guard them. Make him earn his keep.
SOUND FOOTSTEPS ENTER
GRETAL [musing] I don't think I'll ever eat a Gingerbread man again. [hushed, but to Vic] Nice mess we're in. Your contact set us up.
VIC [shrug] He only promised to get us in. And ...he did.
GRETAL Count your fingers, toes and your children?
VIC Kinda. But he's usually a bit more ... self-serving.
GRETAL I think I can reach the lock. Got anything I can pick it with?
GRETAL Well Dammit.
STUMPY Shut up in there!
VIC We'll just have to wait.
GRETAL [thinks, sigh of decision, then angry] If there is ONE thing I cannot stand, it's your defeatist attitude!
VIC [baffled by the sudden attack] What?
GRETAL It's like I have to do everything in this damn partnership!
STUMPY I said shut up! Or I'll shut you up!
VIC [getting it] Oh! [angry sounding, but not too convincing] Oh yeah? Well, if you would just take a minute to think instead of running ahead like a... like a ...
GRETAL Bull in a china shop?
VIC No, a--
GRETAL Giant round of cheese, rolling downhill and crushing all in my path?
VIC No! a --
STUMPY [very close] Juggernaut of disaster?
GRETAL Who cares? I'm going to kill you, and there's nothing this - this one-armed bandit can do to stop me!
VIC [not very convincing in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow!
STUMPY Boss said to take care of him.
SOUND CAGE DOOR UNLOCKS
STUMPY Not you.
GRETAL [whisper] On three!
VIC [whisper] right! [up] Ow! You're killing me!!
GRETAL I'm going to tear you in three - One, Two, Three!
SOUND GUNSHOT, CRACKING OF BROKEN GINGERBREAD
GRETAL What? Where'd you get a gun?
VIC I never gave it up. Is it "dead"?
GRETAL Not sure where to look for a pulse on a Gingerbread man. But he has gone all floppy.
VIC Seems logical. All the same, let's lock him in.
SOUND FEET, CAGE DOOR LOCKS
SOUND BIG DOOR OPENING SLOWLY
SOUND DISTANT GUNSHOTS
VIC What do you think that is?
WULF [DISTANT ATTACK ROAR]
GRETAL [chuckle, very pleased] The cavalry.
SOUND BIG OVEN FIRE, CLOSE
SOUND [OFF] FOOTSTEPS COMING
GINGER Damn. Fleet! Keep them back!
FLEET Right. Men!
SOUND SHOTGUNS COCK
CUT TO OUT IN HALL
GRETAL Do you still hear Wulf back there?
WULF [DISTANT GROWLY ROAR]
VIC Yes. Still far, though.
GRETAL Damn. We may have that witch nailed down in the baking room, but with just us, and just your gun, we don't have a hope of taking her in.
VIC I see.
GRETAL How did you get your gun back anyway?
VIC Later. Did you see how many of her gingerbread minions she has with her?
GRETAL Half a dozen maybe. They all kinda look alike.
VIC Take the gun. I have an idea.
GINGER Did you see how many of them there were?
FLEET No, boss. Just heard guns, and rushed you in here, as per evacuation plan 7--
SOUND SPRINKLERS COME ON
OTHER GB MEN [horrified reaction] Not the sprinklers!
GINGER Damn! I knew there was a reason I meant to have those replaced!
SOUND FLOPS AND SPLASHES AS THE MEN FALL APART
SOUND DOOR KICKED IN
GRETAL Hands up! You're under arrest, witch!
SOUND OPENS HUGE OVEN
GINGER You'll never take me alive, coppers!
VIC Here comes Wulf!
GRETAL Step away from the oven!
GINGER [laughs maniacally, then screams as she steps into the oven]
GRETAL Oh crap! I can't believe she --
VIC Don't get too close!
SOUND FIRE WHOOSHES UP
VIC How did you happen to show up at the right moment, anyway?
WULF A snitch.
VIC [knowing] Should I guess his name?
WULF Slipped a word to us.
GRETAL Us? Oh, right, your new partner.
WULF Gander's a well made sword. Cut a righteous swath of his own against those crusty fellows.
GRETAL Where is he?
VIC Here he comes.
GANDER Thought I'd grab drinks for all us
Hope everybody wants a beer.
SOUND SETTING DOWN DRINKS
WULF Sit down! You're a warrior, not a wife!
GRETAL [a little brusque] Beer's good. Thanks.
VIC How are you finding detective work?
GANDER Oh... The work is interesting,
And they'll get used to me in time.
VIC I'm sure they will.
GRETAL [Gulps down her beer] We gotta get going.
SOUND THEY WALK AWAY
CAPTAIN Just the two I was looking for.
GRETAL Oh boy.
CApTAIN They got the oven shut down.
VIC May I guess?
CAPTAIN Uh, sure.
VIC No body.
CAPTAIn They think maybe it was hot enough--
GRETAL To destroy the corpse? Nah. It was her escape route. Shoulda known. She went in too easily.
CAPTAIn Watch your back, Gretal. Hansel, you too. Oh, and...
SOUND METAL CLINK
CAPTAIN You probably need this.
GRETAL Always a pleasure. Feel naked without it.
VIC You need to cut that guy some slack.
VIC The new guy.
GRETAL Who died and made you wise woman?
VIC He just walks up and you start edging toward the door.
GRETAL [growls] My problem, not yours.
VIC We are partners now. Su problemo es mi problemo.
GRETAL Whatever. [changing the subject] So? The gun? How'd you still have it when we were locked up?
VIC Oh that. I never gave it up.
GRETAL But that witchy boss chick?
VIC Gave her my pipe instead.
GRETAL And she couldn’t tell the difference?
VIC I noticed she was very nearsighted. [tsks] These vain women - afraid glasses will ruin their looks.