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19 Nocturne Boulevard

19 Nocturne Boulevard is an award-winning anthology audio drama series that ran from 2008 through 2013, and then went into deep hibernation.

STILL working on that Comeback!!

Also the creator of Fatal Girl, Bingo the Birthday Clown, The Deadeye Kid, The Lovecraft 5, The Prisoner of Hancock House, The Decadence of Borrowed Silk, Eternal Dusk Roulette, and Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.                                                        Join our awesome Patreon supporters!

Apr 28, 2022

CRY WOLF (B&B Investigations, Case 1)

In a world part 1940s film noir and part Grimms, B&B Investigations are hired
to clear the name of one "Mr. Wolf", who was allegedly killed after devouring a grandmother... 

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson


Cast List

Paul Bette - Joel Harvey
Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson
Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Mrs. Wolf - Rhys TM
Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck
Red - Julia Carson
Little Boy Blue - Beverly Poole
Portia - Chandra Wade
Prince - Mr. Synyster
Additional Voices - Cole Hornaday

Music:  Buz Hendricks, Somewhere Off Jazz Street (via Jamendo)
19 Nocturne Main Theme:  Kevin McLeod (
Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson
Cover design:  Front: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? 
Why it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?"




Olivia (opening credits)

Donna Bella - slumming society dame

Paul Bett - roughneck P.I.

Mrs. Wolf - distraught widow

Red - hot tamale and damsel in dis dress

Captain Oftheguard - police investigator

Boy Blue - patticake ragamuffin

Winky, Blinky, Noddy - sewing Crones

Rumpy Stiltskin - snitch

Portia - Lawyer from across the pond


Officer Sees-Real-Far

ANNOUNCER    19 Nocturne Boulevard.

CABBIE    Nocturne Boulevard?  Not far.  When you hit Howard, hang a right.  Howard meets Phillip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe.  You can't miss Nocturne - it's just past the automat.

ANNOUNCER    19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural.  Tonight's story is called Wolf's Clothing


OLIVIA    [sultry voice]  Yes.  This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won't you step inside?


OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?


MRS. WOLF    I know he was a beast--

PAUL    Hey!

MRS. WOLF    But he was mine.  And now he's dead.

DONNA    Seems like a cut and dried case, Mrs. Wolf.  What exactly do you want us to do?

MRS. WOLF    They're saying my dear sweet husband Loopy killed this old lady and was taken down by a "good Samaritan" before he could escape.  But he would never do anything like that!


DONNA    [voiceover]  We'd seen it all before.  But that's what you get in P-I work - more of denial than Egypt in flood season, and more grief than happily ever afters.  Lives are like mirrors - once they're shattered, they can never be quite put back together.

PAUL    [voiceover] Mrs. Wolf was a typical criminal's window.  Never willing to admit that the dead beloved might have actually been a predator--

DONNA    [voiceover]  Hey!  This is my voiceover.

PAUL    [voiceover]  You said we were going to start splitting them.  And you kept top billing.

DONNA    [voiceover]  That's my Paul.  Paul Bette.  Despite his excruciatingly gruff and intimidating exterior, he always has to be the logical one.

PAUL    [voiceover]  And that's my Donna.  Donna Bella.  She's a lot more than just a pretty face. 


DONNA    [voiceover]  I am right here.

PAUL    [voiceover]  Hmph.  Maybe you'll learn something.  Is it my turn now?

DONNA    [voiceover]  Nah, let's cut back to the scene.


MRS. WOLF    It's like you're not even listening to me! 

DONNA    Sorry.  So your husband was killed in the commission of a crime--

PAUL    Alleged crime.  Alleged commission.

MRS. WOLF    Loopy would never do that!  He's always been a good husband and father--

DONNA    Forgive me for asking, Mrs. Wolf, but has he been known to, well, hunt in other pastures?

PAUL    That was surprisingly tactful.

DONNA    Thank you.

MRS. WOLF    You're asking if he ever ran around on me?

DONNA    You know, a little howl at the moon?  A little lamb on the side?

MRS. WOLF    Well Loopy was no saint--

PAUL    It will help us help you.

MRS. WOLF    [Sobs, then grudgingly] Yes. I always knew he was a bit of a dog, but I loved him.  And there were always the cubs to consider.

DONNA    Let's get down to the teeth of the matter.  What exactly do you want us to do?  Your husband's killer is no secret - in fact he's all over the papers as a big hero.  "Simple woodcutter saves young girl from fate of devoured gramma."  Story on page 7.

MRS. WOLF    It's the insurance.  They're refusing to pay out since he died while committing a crime.  I wouldn't ask if it was just for me, but our pack - well, we'll hardly be able to hold our muzzles up in public.



DONNA    [voiceover] ... OK, you go.

PAUL    [voiceover]  Thank you.  The case was the biggest thing to hit the hot sheets since the disappearance of debutante White last year.  Nothing sparks the interest like someone getting devoured.

DONNA    [voiceover] ...And a little heavily implied sex.  The facts were pretty cut and dried.  Red reached gramma's cottage at 10 p.m., only to find the door unlocked and most of the light bulbs unscrewed.  A voice from the bedroom called out for her to come in.


PAUL    We should check and see if Mr. Wolf was known for voice impersonations.

DONNA    Noted.  So--

PAUL    [cutting her off] So Red went in to deliver gramma's goodies--

DONNA    [upping the ante] --and didn't realize at first that the person tucked up in bed was not her dear sweet gran--

PAUL    [stealing the punchline, almost breathless] --but a bloodthirsty wolf, dressed in the clothes of the little old lady he had devoured just moments earlier.

DONNA    [sigh]  Why didn't she notice?  We need to check on Red's eyesight.  Seems fishy to me.  Could she have been expecting something?

PAUL    I've heard some interesting things about Red.  Maybe I should tackle her alone.

DONNA    Me too - [catty] I've heard that if her riding hood was a car, it would come with a rumble seat and a convertible roof. 

PAUL    [wolfish] They do say she likes to run around with the top down.

DONNA    [sweetly]  Well, you go on ahead.  I'll stop in on the Captain and see if I can wiggle loose a copy of the official report.

PAUL    Nothing doing!  I know just what kind of wiggling you-- [cut off by music]


DONNA    [voiceover, very satisfied]  So we paid a little call on Red.  Together.

PAUL    [voiceover]  Hey!  Let me finish.

DONNA    [voiceover]  Tell me on the way.


PAUL    Bella?

DONNA    [romantic-ish] Yes, Paul?

PAUL    [musing] What would you do if you walked into, say, my bedroom...

DONNA    Oh, Paul?

PAUL    [not noticing] And crept up to the burly figure tucked up in bed....

DONNA    [giggles]  Um-hum?

PAUL    [still oblivious] and when you got close enough to get a good look, you see--

DONNA    [sultry] What would I see, Paul?

PAUL    --A wolf in a nightcap?

DONNA    What?  I mean, you're a bit shaggy around the edges, but--

PAUL    Huh?  I was thinking of Red.  What were ... you...?

DONNA    [snappish] Teasing.  You're right.  Even if she had to get close before noticing, there's too much chance she'll spot the switch.  That's quite a risk he took.

PAUL    Why are you so flushed?  Are you OK?

DONNA    Huh?  [covering badly]  Thrill of the chase.  Are we there yet?


DONNA    [whispering]  I think he's - yep - he's gone.  Well, as you might have noticed, my big lug of a partner doesn't seem to know I'm alive - except as a sidekick and a sleuth.  I've heard of girls who want to be loved for their minds, but everything from my neck down was getting lonely.  So I --- Oops, here he--  [clears throat] When we got to Red's address--

PAUL    Did I miss anything?

DONNA    Nope!  --the windows of the bungalow were dark and a FOR SALE sign sat in the yard.

PAUL    What's ... wrong?

DONNA    [snap] Nothing.



PAUL    No, really.

DONNA    Well, there is one thing... [beat]  Why would she sell her house right after her brush with death?

PAUL    Bad memories?

DONNA    But that would be Gramma's house, wouldn't it?

PAUL    So where's Red?

CAPTAIN    [off, coming on]  She's staying at the Perrault Hilton - makes it easier to avoid the press.

DONNA    [all sweetness, not fake] Captain Oftheguard, what are you doing here?

PAUL    [growls]

CAPTAIN    I could ask you the same thing.  What's the deal?  This is hardly the most interesting case in town, seeing as we've already got everything handled - one dead killer, one live hero--

PAUL    And one red hot media bombshell.  Getting any good press lately?

DONNA    Ssh!  We've been asked to look into a couple things.  You know how insurance companies are. 

CAPTAIN    [warning] Look, this case is wrapped up tighter than a ballgown in a walnut, and the last thing I need is you two poking your noses into it and messing it up.  I don't want to see you anywhere near this case, you hear?  I've got a glass mountain just waiting for the first one to get in my way.

PAUL    Oh yeah?

DONNA    Shh. Bruce--

CAPTAIN    [softening, but stern] Don't Bruce me, Donna.  Why a nice girl like you wants to be a private eye is beyond me.  Call me when you want to go legit.

PAUL    [growls]

CAPTAIN    Take it up with the king, pal.


DONNA    Why can't you be civil?

PAUL    I don't like him.  He treats you like you should be locked in a tower.

DONNA    Tsch.  He just--

BOY BLUE    Pardon me, good miss, good sir,
have you seen a mangy cur

PAUL    Pfui.  Get away.

DONNA    No need to--

PAUL    I hate patticakes.

DONNA    If not for them, who'd do all the scut work? Cartoon mice?  Paul, why don't you run along and see if you can talk to Red?  I'll catch a cab late - it's Bee night anyway.

PAUL    But--?


DONNA    I have to explain the patticakes, dear.  You'll have plenty of time to get across town.

PAUL    [muttering, going off] They come in here, take all the jobs...

DONNA    You may have noticed a certain theme to our world.  Well, the patticakes hail from a completely different land.

PAUL    [off, yelling]  They don't even speak good English!

DONNA    [sigh]  They're stuck in the past, and limited in their abilities, but they do just fine at menial labor, so they get hired under the table by people too cheap or too broke to find someone local.  Luckily, when I was a kid, my nanny was an old woman who lived in a shoe, so I knew the lingo.


PAUL    [yelling, off] And they do stupid things like jump over candle-sticks-- 

DONNA    [yelling back] It's over!

PAUL    [off, not yelling]  Oh.

DONNA    [sigh]  Right.  Hmm...  [thinking noises] question - no that's a hard one, little boy blue... wait, no... I've got it!  [to boy] 

    I've seen no dog, my boy in blue,
but I have something to ask you.

BOY BLUE    Lovely Lady, kind and fair
I'll answer anything I dare!

DONNA    Just a moment.  [thinking again, then] 

    I need to know about Miss Red
Or about the wolf that's dead

BOY BLUE    The wolf is dead? Oh lackaday!
He had me watch his car for pay.

DONNA    You mean the wolf came here?  What-- oh! [thinking hard, trying to rhyme] 

BOY BLUE    I see the sinking of the sun
My mother worries - I must run!


DONNA    Damn!  But why would Mr. Wolf have come here?  If Red knew him--


DONNA    What?

PAUL    I need to muse.  Take a break.

DONNA    Are you spying on me?

PAUL    [genuinely shocked] No!  I wouldn't--

DONNA    Good. 

PAUL    [clears throat] I figured this was as good a time as any to tap my underworld contacts, see if there was any connection between red and the wolf--

DONNA    Don't you dare!  That's my clue!

PAUL    Now who's spying?

DONNA    I'll go away, but only if you don't follow my clue.

PAUL    [growl]  Oh, Done.

DONNA    Fine.

PAUL    [loudly] Then I decided to tap my underworld contacts to see if the woodcutter had any prior grudge against the wolf--

DONNA    [off] That's better!

PAUL    And I figured after that, I could swing by ...Captain ...Oftheguard's... office--  [quietly] Donna?  [waits]  Whew.  [chuckles, then fondly]  She's a real salamander when she gets started.  Look, don't tell her this, [listens again for a second] but, I feel like such a - well, a beast - when I see her and Oftheguard together.  He's an old friend of the family - when her father the big time importer had a few bad business breaks, he helped them keep the wolf from the door, and I always figured it was to get close to her, since her sisters are no prize.  That's how Donna ended up coming to work for me.  Times were tough.  [putting a brave face on it] Now that her father's back in the shipping fast lane, I figure it's just a matter of time before she gets bored with keeping company with a roughneck like me and goes back to her high society friends. 

PAUL    [breaking a little]  I don't know how I'll get by without her, but there's no way a gorgeous dame like her could ever be interested in a big hairy brute like yours truly.  And what could I say?  Every time I try and come up with something romantic, all I think of is "will you marry me?" which is bound to be slapped down.  So I make light and pretend I don't see her lovely eyes and shiny red hair... [sigh that's almost a growl] 

DONNA    I'm back - miss me?

PAUL    I, no, I-- [going off] have to meet a guy.

DONNA    I'll never understand him.  [beat]  What?  Oh, fine - [sigh] I got to the bee.  [beat] Why isn't the music ending?  I've arrived.  [beat]  Tsk.  [exasperated sigh]  Grand balls may be the obvious social events of high society, but the sewing bees are the true heart of the old dame's network.  We get together to spin and weave and sew ... and dish.  [calling off]  Good enough?


DONNA    [sarcastic]  Thanks. 


WINKY    [muffled] Come in!


DONNA    Hey, ladies!  Winky, nice glasses.  Blinky, how's the gout?  Nod - What happened to your hunch?

NODDY    [sounding like Marty Feldman] What hunch?

DONNA    Huh?  Nevermind.  I brought Pies!

THE LADIES    [noises of happy excitement]

WINKY    Is this that Pieman friend of yours?

DONNA    Might be.  [chuckles]  Never hurts to have pals in low places.  Hey, Tilda's not here?  Did she finally finish those shirts for her seven brothers?

BLINKY    All but one sleeve, can you believe it?  No one ever understand how long these things take

DONNA    I'd'a thought she be here chatting up a storm, just about now.

NODDY    She's on her honeymoon, the wench!

PAUL    [off, calling]  Enough of this Lifetime moment.  Can I have the narrative for a while?  There's actually something happening over here.

DONNA    [loud whisper] Oh, all right, but - where's the--


DONNA and PAUL    Thank you!

PAUL    May I?

DONNA    [fondly] Brute.  [long sexy sigh, then fading away]  Very well. 

PAUL    [lustful growl, then shakes himself out of it]  That woman.  Where was I?  Right.  My best contact, Rumpy - that little weasel - was just coming out of his basement for the night as I rolled up.



PAUL    Hey Rump.  Any straw to gold today?

RUMPY    [surprised]  Oh!  Oh, it's you, Bett.  Whadja want?

PAUL    Come on old pal!  Can't a guy just look you up for old times sake?

RUMPY    You know, and I know, we got no old times, me old son.  Show me the money.  Unless you have, uh, something a bit more round and pink handy?

PAUL    No babes today, Rump.  You're old enough, you wouldn't know what to do with one if you did get one.  Right, then.  I want the skinny on the Wolf massacre.

RUMPY    Wolf?  I don't seem to recall--


PAUL    This refresh your memory? 

RUMPY    Oh, you mean the Red Riding Hood rescue. 

PAUL    I want to know more about the wolf, and I heard you two sometimes ended up at the same watering holes.  What kind of guy was he?

RUMPY    [losing the sly undertones]  Truly, I never would have pegged him as a grammavore.  Never saw him touch anything harder than lamb kebobs, if you get my drift.  

PAUL    No steak tartare?  No little pigs?

RUMPY    Truly, Bett, on my mother's grave.  He was a bit secretive the last few days, though, leering and preening and hinting he had a new lady friend.  Said something about her being real hot stuff. 

PAUL    Red hot?

RUMPY    [cagey again] Yes... he might have said something like that.  But he did say one thing solid, that I almost recall...


RUMPY     Ah, yes, it all comes back to me.  He mentioned how she was, um, a bit experimental, in the...  boudoir, so to speak.

PAUL    Kinky?

RUMPY    To put a bald face on it, yes.  He said she liked him to 'dress up'.


DONNA    [after a pause] What, no snappy wrap up?

PAUL    Frankly, I'm a little creeped out.

DONNA    Oh, all right, let's meet up outside the office.

PAUL    Yeah, good.




DONNA    [yelling off] Hey!  Just because that thing can fly doesn't mean there isn't a scoop law!

PAUL    [very tired]  Morning.

DONNA    What happened to you?  Phew - you smell like an elvish cobbler shop.


PAUL    I was tapping rumpy.  [flustered] I mean , I was getting the low-down from my contacts.

DONNA    Stiltskin's about as low down as they get...

PAUL    You get anything at the Bee?

DONNA    Not much.  Neither one sees to have run in our circles.  Seems Gramma didn't get out much, and Red moves in - well, much FASTER circles...

PAUL    I see.

DONNA    One thing, though.  Rapunzel showed up for a bit - she's legal counsel for the highway board, you know? - and said that SHE'd heard of Gramma‑‑

PRINCE    Halt there! 

PAUL    What?  It's too early for--

PRINCE    Unhand that fair maiden!

PAUL    Who, her?

DONNA    What?

PRINCE    Don't worry - I am here to save you!  Take heart, dear lady! 

PAUL    Um, fellow--

DONNA    [ramping up] What?

PRINCE    This foul beast cannot harm you ever again!  Rescue is at hand!

PAUL    Look out, he's gotta sword!

PRINCE    Have at!  Hah!



CAPTAIN    I am disappointed in you.  That poor, poor prince--

PAUL    [muttered] He started it.

CAPTAIN     Brawling on the street like a couple of - drunken...  um... drunkards.

DONNA    He must be annoyed, he's dropping his similes.

CAPTAIN    Shut up!  You'll be lucky if he doesn't press charges!  I'm still trying to decide if I should toss you in a dungeon.

DONNA    Huh?  I didn't even break his nose until he brought up Stockholm Syndrome.

PAUL    She was very understated.

DONNA    Thank you.

CAPTAIN    I don't CARE!  I won't have it in my town!

PAUL    Look, if it will get him to forgo filing a complaint, tell him he can tell everyone it was me that done him over.  Much less embarrassing to the folks back home.

CAPTAIN    [sigh, resigned] Fine.  Get outta here.  I know where to find you.


PAUL    One thing, Captain - was there an autopsy on Mr. Wolf?

CAPTAIN    Autopsy?  Why would we do that?  It was obvious how he died!

PAUL    I was more interested in his stomach contents...

CAPTAIN     Besides, after the woodcutter got through with him, there wasn't much cutting left to --  stomach contents?

PAUL    Just curious.  We'll get out of your way.


DONNA    Think he'll go for it?

PAUL    fifty-fifty.

DONNA    Is that a bet?


PAUL    We decided to speak with the only killer we were sure of - even if he was the hero of the day.  The woodcutter had been mighty quiet....


DONNA    That was short and sweet.

PAUL    I'm still hung over.

DONNA    This is the place.


PAUL    Uh-oh.

DONNA    What?

PAUL    In the window.

DONNA    [gasp!]  Is he--?

PAUL    Well, he could be sleeping.  On the floor.  In a puddle of blood... Here--[effort]


DONNA    [off, calling] Anything?

PAUL    Nothing obvious.

DONNA    [off] Check him for combs and poison apples, but be careful, Paul!

PAUL    [quiet]  I love it when she worries.

DONNA    [off] What?

PAUL    Nothing.  [grunts as he rolls him over]  Aha.  Stabbed in the back.

DONNA    With what?

PAUL    I have an idea...  And look at this!


DONNA    What is--?  Why would he have one of those?

PAUL    Maybe a souvenir from Gramma's house?

DONNA    No - she only had one, and the wolf was wearing it when he died.

PAUL    Hmm....

DONNA    I'll call Captain Oftheguard--

PAUL    No, we'll need him.

DONNA    Need him for what?


PAUL    [importantly] The denouement.

DONNA    Are we there already?

PAUL    Oh, yes.  [clears throat]  So we rounded up all the unusual suspects -

DONNA    There's actually only the one.  Red.

PAUL    Oh, well, we got Red and Oftheguard to meet us at Gramma's cottage, a one-room, run-down little affair that had definitely seen better days - three or four kings ago.


DONNA    All present and -- who are you?

RED    [VERY SULTRY]  That's my attorney Portia.

PORTIA    [VERY BRITISH, acknowledging the intro]  Most noble lady.

PAUL    Portia?

DONNA    [whispered] I think she's from across the pond.

PAUL    [growls, then mutters] First patticakes, now Shakespeareans - what's next? 

DONNA    Shh.  Denouement, remember?

PAUL    Right.  [pulls himself together]  Daymoo-- [sighs, almost a growl] Denouement. 

DONNA    Should I start?

RED     Well somebody should.

CAPTAIN    We're all here.

PAUL    Fine.  We were hired to investigate the circumstances of a violent death--

RED    My Gramma?

PAUL    Actually, no.  We're talking about the death of Mr. Wolf, at the hands of a woodcutter.

RED    But he was protecting little old me.  That's not murder!

DONNA    Stuff it up your riding hood, Red.  Let Paul talk.

PAUL    [growls appreciatively]  As I was saying, Wolf's wife, loyal to the end, insisted that while he might have been on the prowl, he wasn't a killer.  And she was right, wasn't she, Captain?

CAPTAIN    He?  [grudgingly]  Turns out you're right.  There was no sign of gramma in the wolf's stomach contents.

DONNA    Great!

CAPTAIN    [defensive]  But there was Gramma - bits - found in his mouth and teeth - so there was no reason for us to look any farther.

PAUL    Understandable. 

CAPTAIN    The guard is always busy, and understaffed. 

DONNA    We're agreeing with you.

PAUL    So the wolf was a patsy.  A fall guy. 

PORTIA    What, like icarus?

DONNA    Don't confuse him.

PAUL    And once we rule out who seemed to be the murderer, we have to look at motive. 

CAPTAIN    Which is?

RED    Yes, enlighten us - If you think I want to own this run-down little rathole, you're sadly mistaken.  It's so old, it might as well have been built out of gingerbread.

DONNA    Ah!  Well I found out, from a contact in the D-A's office and highway planning board, that there's been a highway supposed to go through this very spot, but it's been held up in the planning stages, since Gramma didn't want to sell.

RED    [gasp]

PORTIA    Is there something I should know?


CAPTAIN    That will be Officer Sees-Real-Far.  [raising voice] come in!

S-R-F    We did what you said sir, and--

CAPTAIN    [lowering his voice] And?

S-R-F    [low] out behind the woodshed sir.

CAPTAIN    Very good.

PORTIA    In the interest of disclosure, sire--[don't forget her best line - the devil is in the details, milord]

CAPTAIN    In a bit.  Go on.

DONNA    But even if Red had a very good motive - by the way, my contact also said the board bought the land this morning - and for a pretty penny.

RED    [petulant] I may be in mourning for my gramma, but business is business.

DONNA    Right.  We come to the death of the woodcutter.  Supposedly an innocent bystander, dragged in to the whole mess out of pure chivalry and civic duty.

PAUL    Or was he--?

RED    What are you implying?  You won't find anyone who saw us together until AFTER the fact.

PORTIA    I ought to caution you to remain silent.

RED    Why?  I have nothing to hide.

PORTIA    Yes, I can tell by your dress.

DONNA    Back to the subject. 

PAUL    Funny you should mention dresses, there, mouthpiece.  Because the wolf - who also was probably never seen with you, Red, was howling to all his friends about a hot little number‑‑

DONNA    --red-hot--

PAUL    --who was keeping company with him, and how she was a little kinky.

RED    Shut up!

PAUL    She liked him to dress up--

RED    Tell him I'll sue!

PAUL    In an old lady's nightgown.

RED    [collapses into tears]

DONNA    It started out as part of the plot, didn't it?  Just a way to get him into the nightie before he tucked himself up and waited for you? 

PAUL    But you realized it really got your ball rolling. 

DONNA    Otherwise, why would we have found this--


DONNA    In the woodcutter's bedroom?


RED    I forgot about that...

PAUL    Not hard, since just as you didn't actually kill the wolf, you didn't actually kill the woodcutter either.

DONNA    [completely surprised]  She didn't?

PAUL    [pleased with himself]  Nope.  Captain, I think you already have that killer in custody.

CAPTAIN    [baffled]  I do?

DONNA    Come on!  Spill!

PAUL    That prince who attacked us on the street, beautiful.  While you were --

CAPTAIN     Causing a disturbance.

DONNA    Defending myself.

PAUL    Turning into a whirlwind, I happened to notice his sword had a tiny smear of dried blood on it.  It didn't strike me at the time, except that he was pretty careless with his weapon.

DONNA    And the woodcutter--?

PAUL    When I saw the stab wound in his back, I thought it looked strange - awkward.  Sword's aren't made for that, but they'll do.  I think you'll find, Captain when you do an autopsy on the poor fellow, that it's the same caliber.

CAPTAIN    Swords don't have calibers.

DONNA    So it's an Ex-caliber?

PAUL    [growls]  Size, shape, whatever.  Don't nitpick, this is the big payoff!

DONNA    So she vamped him into killing the wolf--

PAUL    Not too hard, a poor but honest woodcutter, and a tamale like that--

DONNA    He must have thought he died and went to heaven.

PAUL    And he did, just the other way round.

CAPTAIN    So this prince--?

DONNA    She must have heard we were onto her.

PAUL    And she gave him a sob story and sent him round to take me out.

DONNA    Possibly hoping I'd get caught in the crossfire-- um cross sword, um...

PAUL    Fray?

DONNA    Fray.  Yes.

PORTIA    But you still have no proof of any of this. 

CAPTAIN    [chuckles] That's where you're wrong, milady.

PAUL    Oh?

CAPTAIN    My officer just now?  Well, I had some of my boys dig around out back, and guess what they found?

RED    Oh No!

PORTIA    My client is admitting nothing.

CAPTAIN    They found Gramma.  Dead.  Buried under the woodshed.  And I think we're going to find she wasn't killed by wolf, woodcutter or demented prince.  Eh, Red?

RED    All right!  I did it!  She was a tiresome senile old biddy who stockpiled newspapers and put food out for the bluebird of happiness!  She had no reason to live, let alone to keep me from my dreams!

DONNA    Which are?

RED    [unconvincing] Oh, you know - fame fortune, marry a prince.

PAUL    Really?

RED    [admitting] Ok, so my only dream is to kill her and get a bunch of money, is that so wrong?


DONNA    A nice end to another tough case.  Mrs. Wolf got her insurance money, and the cubs can go to college--

PAUL    Red got her comeuppance, and the prince went into therapy--

DONNA    And the money from the sale of gramma's land went to a distant relation living in a pumpkin shell.

PAUL    [grumbling] Patticakes.

DONNA    And we--

PAUL    --we got our fee--

DONNA    --and the warm feeling--

PAUL    --of helping someone in need.

DONNA    Stop!  Darn it Paul.  I'm tired of this.

PAUL    Of what?

DONNA    All of this.  Fighting over voiceovers, everything.

PAUL    You-- you mean?

DONNA    Yes.

PAUL    Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting it.

DONNA    I've just been holding out to be nice.

PAUL    [wilting] Of course.

DONNA    So, as of tomorrow--

PAUL    [growly sigh, very small] Yes?

DONNA    I want my own damn voiceover music!

PAUL    [immensely cheered] Oh!


OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...